Reflections of my Reality

Unlike a crusader (religious, commercial, political or otherwise) I have no truth for sale here; only experiences, views, memories and dreams, none of which are intended to express anything but my own personal relationship with the truth and with reality.

The Fifth Nail blogs are essentially works of art. They "expose" the inner me, as a reflection of the world I live in. Like any artist, my hope is that others might find some reflection of themselves here. Perhaps my words seem ugly to you; perhaps beautiful. Either way, they speak of you more than they do of me. If you keep this in mind as you explore this gallery of personal reflections then you might be surprised by what you find.

(P.S. I do not fancy myself an artist except in the sense that we are all artist. I have no professional ambitions, or even any unusual talent in this regard. All I have is the desire and means to express myself, nothing more.)

Faith Alone

„Faith alone will save our souls”, so say the Bible. But „faith alone” does not mean faith in one particular belief of other.

Faith alone means just that; faith, all by itself. We do not need to have „faith in Christ” or „faith in the Bible” in order to know the saving grace of „God”. In fact, having faith in anything that you can define, or even just imagine, is what the Bible warns us not to do, over and over.

This is called idol worship. Any time that you put your faith in something imagined, which can be (and usually is) an intellectual construct sometimes represented by a physical form (e.g. golden calf), then you are idol worshipping. It does not matter if the image you are worshipping has a physical form or not, if it is an idea, then it is an image, and it is a „false god.”

Now, I'm not saying „faith in God” or even „faith in Christ” is always a form of idol worship. As long as „God” or „Christ” are not imagined to be something ( i. e. a man from Nazareth, or an „old man in heaven”) then you have the kind of faith that saves. That is, formless or imageless faith, which is faith alone.

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III - September 12, 2010 – 2 pm)

Breath of Life; Breath of Death

Buddha teaches that all life is suffering. We most suffer in order to live. “Enlightenment” is not an escape from suffering, it is an understanding and acceptance of it. We “end suffering” by becoming (or being) one with it.

Of course, that is all a bunch of cryptic gobbledygook that essentially means nothing to most people. But what if we put it like this:

Nature learns by making mistakes; lots and lots of mistakes. This process is sometimes called evolution. But it is much more than a way for genetic information to be manipulated for some survival benefit. It is the fundamental method of all intelligence, genetic information being just one form of intelligent “thought”.

But every mistake results in “death”, and hense a loss of “information”, which causes the being that experiences this loss to suffer. Thus, we have a system in order to live. Or, more correctly, a system of life that is itself a process of suffering.

Every thought you have and every experience is only possible because of a continues cycle of birth and death that occures on all levels of life and in all forms; genetic, physiological, psychological, mystical and others we have yet to even intellectualize.

This is the suffering we must embrace to have peace. It is the suffering that Christ spoke of as well as the Buddha. To seek pleasure is an attempt to escape the suffering of life (but so is seeking suffering). The object is to accept, by not seeking pain or pleasure. In this way, pleasure and pain both become infinitely enjoyable gifts, not something ever to be gained (born) or lost (die).

Birth and death become like breathing for us, on all levels. And likewise, we come to see breathing as a form of birth and death.

Hebrews

The thing I like about the book of Hebrews in the Christian bible, is the way that it emphasizes the humanity of the Christ.

To me, and apparently to the author of Hebrews, if Christ were not human then he simply would not have the authority, or even the ability to „save mankind”.

This implies that his human nature is an integrial part of his ability to unite us with „God the Father”. Which means – and this is clearly stated in Hebrews – if Christ were not 100% human, then he would not be able to fulfill the role of „high priest” and intermediary between man and God.

So, his humanness is not just a central feature, it is the Key feature of his role on Earth. Even being God, or the Son of God, is secondary to this aspect of Christ. And this is true for preternatural reasons, not mere theological theories. Which is to say that Christ must be human in the same sense that the flesh must receive physical nourishment in order to survive.

And what is that reason? Hebrews tells us it is because unless Christ were human he could not know human temptation and suffering. So, he must know „temptation” in order to be the savior. Why?

Because temptation defines man's inslavement to the flesh and separation from God. Christ must not just know temptation, he must overcome it. By overcoming temptation he sets men free to return to the source of their being. If he were not human then men who seek salvation in Christ would not be able to have faith in his ability to overcome temptation. And it is man's faith in Christ's ability to overcome temptation that gives the man the ability to overcome his own temptation, or in other words, let Christ lead the way.

This is critical. Because if Christ had any advantage to overcoming temptation that other men did not have then men could not look to Christ for salvation. Because he would be „cheating” temptation, not overcoming it.

So far few Christian's would argue, but now lets follow this reasoning to its only conclusion, one that Hebrews attempts to reach: In order for Christ to know temptation as a man knows it, then he must also be a sinner, like man! If Christ were not „born in sin” then he could not know temptation. Sin and temptation can not be separated, as even St. Paul tells us in his letter to the Roman's.

And Hebrews itself confirms this conclusion by telling us that Christ, like any other man, had to be taught obedience to the Will of God. He was not born obedient.

And that's why I like Hebrews, because it says plainly what no modern Christian likes to admit: that Christ was born into sin, and was a sinner, before he was „purified on the cross”. It is only in death that Christ overcame sin, and only by dying did He become our savior – not by How He Lived.

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III - September 10, 2010 – 8 pm)

Justice Eternal

They say that justice delayed is justice denied. This is more true than perhaps it was intended. If justice is not immediate then it simply cannot be justice. There is, fortunately, immediate justice for all infractions in the universe. In fact, you can use this truth as a touchstone to determine what infractions are real and which are mere fabrications (imagined). If justice is not invoked by the act, then the act is not universally criminal, but is rather superficial and unimportant. True consequences are eternal, in fact, as the Bible concures, a sin (i.e. “universal crimes”) is already “paid for” by the very existence of “God in man” (i.e. “the Christ”). This means that real justice has already occurred and will continue to occure both before and after any “sin” is ever committed. A philosophical consideration of the term “instantanious” reveals that in order for something to be instantanious then it must also be eternal (occuring both before and after any given event eternally).

There ultimately is only one possible eternal consequence. This consequence goes by as many different names as the One Eternal Being Itself. For convenience here I will call it “separation from the One Eternal Being” (or more correctly, perhaps, the illusion of said separation). All suffering comes from this illusion. Time itself is perhaps the most powerful form that this illusion portrays. Timeless existence is enlightenment, also known as heaven, or eternal life. And it is also known as knowing the will of God, or being one with the universe (or God).

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III in April of 2010)

Penultimate Prison Break

The boy opened his eyes. Where am I? He saw the ceiling in front of him. He hurt. I hurt? He hurt all over his body. My body? What am I doing in a body? I hate bodies! The boy hated being in a body. So, he tried to leave it. He tried to fly to the ceiling.

I can't move! He stayed on his back, and then rolled his head to the side. Oh, god! I have a head! He saw a wall. Why is there a wall? He told the body to get up. The body complained severely. It groaned. I hate groaning bodies!

He tried to leave the body again, but the body had a brain, a large brain. And, the brain latched onto the boy, like a clamp. I hate brains! The brain spoke to the boy. The brain said, “I am a boy.”
Great!
The brain said, “I am a boy.”
I heard you the first time!
The brain said, “I hurt.”
Brilliant!
The boy told the body to at least roll over. The body started to move and painfully it rolled over.
Why can't I leave?
The brain said, “I'm scared.”
Of course you are, you're a brain!
The brain said, “Help me!”
I hate brains.
He looked in front of him. His eyes hurt. Oh, god! I have eyes! He saw a door. A door? The door was closed. So?
The brain said, “I'm scared.”
The boy looked down. The body was laying on a bed.
The brain said, “A hospital bed.”
I hate brains.
The boy looked at his body. I hate bodies.
The brain said, “I'm in the hospital.”
I really hate brains.
The body gracelessly rolled back over onto its back on the bed. The boy looked at the ceiling. He tried again to leave the body, but the brain clung on tight, not letting him go.
The boy closed his eyes.
The body closed its eyes.
The brain went to sleep.
And the boy flew away.

Having Faith Is Enlightenment

What I will tell you now is ancient wisdom that has been told in all the great writings of truth, but seldom understood, since it can only be understood through contemplation of what is inside of you, not inside of some book.

To know the truth one must have faith in the truth. But it is not possible to have faith by any mortal effort. Faith comes only when it is desired but not sought.

By seeking faith you lose your faith. You may pray for faith, or meditate for enlightenment. But as soon as your goal becomes faith or enlightenment then your prayer or meditation becomes useless.

Let me be clear. You can have faith by praying for it. But, if the goal of your prayer is to have faith then you have already lost faith and the prayer does you no good.

Also, you can have enlightenment by meditating. But if the goal of your meditation is to attain enlightenment then you have already lost faith and enlightenment will ellude you.

This appears as a dilemma only when you look outwards for understanding. In truth there is no dilemma. The solution is simple; have faith, be enlightened. To try is to fail. One must learn to be, and to do, without effort. This is the only way. Yet, it cannot be learned.

You must unlearn instead.

You must stop trying.

You must simply, believe, without believing in something; do, without doing, without purpose or intent. This is having faith.

Having faith is enlightenment.

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III - April 4, 2011 – 9 am)

1-800-HELL

Shortly after my arrest in 2005 I had a disturbing dream that I am only now able to understand at all. I may have written it down in a journal I was keeping at the time, but I don't recall ever talking to anyone about it. The dream had an obvious interpretation that did not make any sense to me. I was afraid that if I told anyone about it that they would draw the only conclusion that the dream seemed to offer: that I belonged in Hell! It was a lucid dream, which is to say that it was vivid, with clear details, and I was fully conscious of the fact that I was in a dream and that in “reality” I was asleep in a jail cell awaiting prosecution for capital murder and kidnapping. At the time of this dream I was still struggling consciously (while awake and asleep) to sort out what had happened, and why I had surrendered to the police. A strong feeling that pervaded my thoughts and feelings at the time was a sense of having joined some mystical community that as yet remained a mystery to me. While I could distinctly feel a sense of belonging to this community, I could not otherwise identify its existence. I thought maybe that the community was purely “spiritual” with little or no real counterpart in the “physical” world. The dream I had seemed to be yet another manifestation of that sense of belonging to some mystical community. In the dream I found myself standing in the foyer of a congregation hall, like a church, but not a church. I approached the main entrance to the hall, large double doors that were wide open and through which I could see a large gathering of people apparently waiting for some ceremony to begin. I thought maybe they were waiting for me. But as I approached the entrance, two large male porters who were standing there turned and took notice of me. They seemed to recognize me immediately, but not in any positive way at all. In fact, one of them exclaimed, “How did you get here?” implying by his tone that I definitely did not belong. Then, without waiting for me to answer (I tried to explain to them that I was having a lucid dream and that I wanted to be a part of their congregation, but I never got the chance) they quickly took me by the arms and shuffled me toward a coatroom, where an attendant was waiting.

The same porter who spoke the first time indicated to the coatroom attendant that he should retain me, and then told him (and this part I remember clearly), “Call 1-800 HELL”

Then I woke up (or, rather, found myself suddenly back in my jail cell) with the clear impression that I was not wanted in that congregation.

What confused me was that these men clearly judged me, apparently without cause. Even then I understood that such judgement was not conducive to an enlightened body of people. I should have been accepted and loved, especially since I had sincerely repented my ignorance (and my “crimes”). So why was I so harshly and brashly judged?

Well, I think I have finally come to an understanding. I think that perhaps because I was still alive (i.e. had a physical body) that the condemnation to “hell” did not have to be eternal. In other words, I was being “sent back” for more work.

Actually, I'm still not sure what the dream meant. But at least I now have a plausible explanation. Maybe hell is no more than some kind of soul smetter, and my soul was yet to be fired. Or maybe that's just one definition, or purpose, of hell. I'm not going to pretend I know what hell or heaven is. But if they exist at all then they must have some reason to exist beside simple reward and punishment.

When The Music Dies: The Systematic Attack On An Offender's Social Structure

The single most common element of all antisocial and criminal behavior is a lack of appropriate social support structures. Conversely, the single most common element of all rehabilitated criminal offenders is the development of appropriate and substantial social support structures. A meta-analysis of studies on the effects of social support structures in relation to antisocial and criminal behavior shows a clear and conclusive direct relationship between the lack of social support structure and criminal behavior. This relationship is so strong that it is demonstratably possible to trigger criminal behavior by simply causing a person to experience the loss of appropriate social support. This works with even “law-abiding” and socially “well adjusted” persons, though in such cases the loss of social support must be pronounced in order to overcome the persons residually perceived social support.

In cases when a person is already susceptable to antisocial behavior (due to a clearly lacking social support structure) the opposite is true. In this case, a very small almost insignificant perceived loss of social support will cause a severe relapse.

Clearly, social support is the key to social control of antisocial and criminal behavior.

So will someone please tell me why we insist on passing laws and creating institutions that seem to have no other goal than to undermine the social support structures of people who have demonstrated a clear lack of said appropriate social support in the first place?

Systematic efforts to use social support for rehabilitation are blatantly superficial. You can't just tell an offender, “I support your positive social behavior” and expect that to fix anything. (Actually, studies show that even such superficial efforts have an effect on criminal behavior. But only superficially, which should be expected.)

(A perfect example of the difference between substantial and superficial efforts to develpoe social support structures for x-convicts can be found in the history of the Interaction Transition House in Seattle, Washington.)

Horizon of Volition

I have intentionally contradicted myself on occasion regarding my views of free will. One moment I state that it is important for us to recognize our choices and to accept responsibility for them. In fact, it was this realization that allowed me to „choose” to bring Shasta home and surrender myself to the police in Cour d'Alene in 2005. Then the next moment I strongly implied that I had no choice but to bring that little girl home and turn myself in, once I „saw the truth”. So how can I have choice and no choice at the same time? To understand we must try to realize that the concept of choice (also free will, volition, etc...) is an illusion, very much akin to the illusion of „the edge of the world” one sees when peering out at the horizon on the ocean. It's only because few of us have yet dared to venture out beyond that „horizon of volition” that this world still imagined that we live on flat intellectual surfaces, where right is always right and wrong is wrong, just as up was once always up, and down was down. The real nature of free will (i. e. the ability to choose right over wrong for instance) is as circular (or globular) as the world; perhaps even more so.

No choice we make is ever personal. First, as soon as the choice is made the entire universe is forever changed! Even the simplest choice, to step over a sidewalk crack on the way to school, for example, will cause unimaginable changes in this world alone in a relatively very short time.

Such a trivial choice, when properly extrapolated, will invariable change the entire course of history and dramatically effect every living thing on the planet in a very short order of time. The choice is not trivial at all!

Second, no personal choice is ever made in a vacuum. Whether or not you step over that crack in the sidewalk depends on your mood, which depends on the weather, and how things are for you at home, and at school, and even the color of a car parked nearby can influence your choice on a subconscious level. And all of those things depend on other choices made by you and other people.

So your choice is really no choice at all, unless! Unless you have the ability to consider every other choice that goes into your choice, and every outcome of your choice for all eternity. And only one being (by definition) has that ability.

God.

Or, „the universe”, in its known and unknowable entirety. So you see, our choices only appear limited by a horizon of volition, but the horizon is only an illusion.

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III - September 11, 2010 – 7:30 pm)

Electroshock Criminology

Trying to solve the problem of crime with punishment is a lot like trying to treat mental illness with electroshock therapy. In theory it should work, and sometimes it actually does work. But, for the most part, it only makes things worse.

We know this today in regards to electroshock therapy, but how much more suffering must we inflict (and endure) before we realize it is true for crime and punishment as well?

Obsession

Psychologists frequently mischaracterize a person who has admitted to committing as sex crime as overly „obsessed with sex”.

Well, I have known many such men, and am one myself, but we aren't „obsessed” with sex any more than an avid SCUBA diver is „obsessed” with water.

Sure, many men who want to please the psych doctors readily admit to being obsessed with sex, but only in so far as they really do think about sex far more than most „normal” people do. But that doesn't necessarily mean they are obsessed with it.

Obsession implies a constant preoccupation with something; which means you cannot think of anything without thinking about whatever obsesses you. Few sex offenders actually rise to this level of sexual obsession.

For example, a SCUBA diver may think about water for more than most „normal” people do. But as long as his aquatic thoughts do not impose upon his routine thoughts then he is not obsessed. Every time he sees anything that reminds him of water, or his diving gear, he relates it to diving and may even briefly fantasize „what it would be like” in that context. But he is not „obsessed”, he is just „interested”.

But a man who is „interested” in sex instead of SCUBA diving (or sports, or clothes, or food, etc...) is considered to be obsessed for having a similar perponderance of thoughts about what is interesting to him throughout the day.

This mischaracterization accounts for a lot of misunderstanding and consequently misdiagnosis and mistreatment for „sex offenders” who are really just misguided and simply need to be educated about their own sexual nature.

I'm not suggesting that this analysis is the magic bullet cure for all sex offenders, but I am certain that it could help a lot of men re-think their problem, perhaps in terms of an ordinary addiction, rather than a debilitating obsession.

If a man is told he is obsessed there is a good chance he may actually become obsessed. I would even assert that most serious obsessions are the result of the person at some point being told (or otherwise coming to believe) that they are obsessed. I say this because I have never met an obsessed person who did not know they were obsessed (perhaps such people exist, but I would imagine them to be confined in the very bowels of some mental institution – which would explain why I have never met one).

Obsession is only one of many mischaracterizations of so-called „sex offenders” that contributes markedly the „sex offender” phenomenon (and hence allowing sex crimes to prolifenate).

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III - September 5, 2010 – 10 pm

The Sound of One Hand Clapping

The answer to life's "Big Question" is: there is no answer.

That does not mean that the Big Question has no answer. It simply means that the answer is found in "no answer". This only seems enigmatic because words cannot properly express what "no answer" really means. The meaning must be realized through direct experience, which usually comes when all sensual experience is exposed as an illusion.

"No answer" does not mean there is no solution to life's struggles. It means that the solution can only be found by letting go of the question itself. The question only arises because of the illusion, and without the illusion there would be no question. Any answer other than "no answer" is just another part of the illusion as well, and hence not really an answer to anything. So if you think you know the answer, then you have bought into a lie and are still suffering from delusion.

When you finally realize that there is no answer, and truly believe it, then you will have found the answer in the "nothingness that is everything". To know you know nothing is to know everything you need to know. And to think you know anything is simply not knowing that you know nothing, which is another definition of ignorance.

If you have trouble comprehending what it is I am trying to say, it is likely because you are still clinging to the illusion of knowing something, and attempting to determine the illusory value of my words rather than experiencing them - and me - as the truth always intends, directly.

It might help (if you are interested in the truth at all) to meditate on the enigma of not knowing. This has at times been referred to as, "the sound of one hand clapping". You could begin by questioning what it means to know anything, and thus turn the illusion - with all its questions - against itself.

Lots To Tell

I've probably said this many times already, but it bears repeating; I am an ignorant man, so I realize that my judgement and opinions aren't worth squat. If anything I say (or write) appears judgemental then it is only because our language has evolved primarily to express judgement, not reality or even truth. So it is hard, nearly impossible at times, to express anything using words that does not sound judgemental. In most cases it is judgemental, but not here. Everything I write for this blog is intended to express either past views - which were certainly judgemental at times, but are expressed here for the record and for understanding - or my current views that reflect not just how I see others, but also how I see, or rather, perceive myself at the same time.

For example, when I harp on Christians for being so ignorant, in words and deeds, of Christ's message, I am expressing my own ignorance as well. I may think I understand the message of Christ better than a typical Christian - better even than the pope himself - but I fully realize at the same time that their ignorance is my ignorance too. The contradiction and duality that appears here is due only to the limitations of human language. Words were not meant to express the true nature of things, and in fact serve only to obscure it, as it does here. But if you understand the true meaning of "One God", then you know there is no contradiction when I say, "There BY the grace of God go I!" (The Christian priest who famously said, "There BUT FOR the grace of God go I", as he watched condemned men being paraded past his house, was expressing the duel view of God that Jesus himself spoke so often against.) There is no us and them, no you and me; there is only God, "... so that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be in us, (and us in them)" (John 17:21, excuse me for quoting the Bible here, I really try not to, but this time it seemed so pertinent, and there just happened to be an old tore up Bible in this cell that someone left. I don't keep a Bible around personally anymore because it's too tempting to use it to support what I say, and I prefer to let what I say stand on its own if it can, or fall on its face if it can't).

So anyway, please try to read past the limitations and syntactical bias of human language as you read this blog. It is important that you try to take all my words in the broadest context possible, so you can see the real meaning BEHIND the words rather than the superficial meaning IN them. This is why I sometimes say, if you have come here in order to pass judgement, then you should leave now, before you get hurt (i.e. "offended" by your own judgement). But, if you have come seeking to understand yourself, then stick around; I have lots to tell you! :)

The Choice To Suffer

All emotional pain and suffering is selfinflicted. To believe otherwise is the gist of insanity. We choose to suffer in order to define ourselves against the threat of nothingness. We fear that if we do not suffer, then we would not exist. So, we invent all kinds of reasons to suffer and call it humanity.

No Regret

I have deep and genuine remorse for the things I have done ine the past, but no regret. For me regret ends up being just an excuse for what I did. It causes me to believe that I am a bad person, hence I have no choice but to do bad things. Genuine remorse does not allow such beliefs. Because of my remorse I know I'm not a bad person, so I have no excuse for doing bad things. I must accept full responsibility for what I have done (and for what I do). This doesn't make me a good person either; it simply says that I'm not bad, or evil, or unlovable – especially not unlovable.

I did the terrible things I did in the past (kidnapping, rape and murder) because of my regret, which had convinced me that I was a bad person. I didn't like believing I was bad of course, so I did everything I could to put responsibility for my misery and shame onto society, which perceived as the source of all my suffering for purely rational reasons. This would make my regret go away temporarily, but as soon as I stopped pushing my pain (and responsibility) away it would always came back again. I have since realized that responsibility can only be either accepted or rejected personally. It can never be put on someone else without their consent. (I now call the attempt to make others take responsibility for anything, the Blame Game.)

But, I don't believe I'm a bad person anymore. So I no longer have any reason to feel regret, or any need to blame other people for my pain and suffering, or behavior. Not even myself, since self blame is ultimately just another way to avoid responsibility (self blame leads to regret, not remorse, and hence more negative behavior, not responsibility). Now I have only remorse, and the forgiveness that comes with it (i. e. love), which is all I need.

The only reason I have remorse at all is because I found and accepted real forgiveness (not the Christian variety). What I mean is that someone essentially said to me (not necessarily with words, but certainly from the heart), „You are not the bad person you think you are.” This, I now realize, is THE message of forgiveness, and my heart somehow managed to receive it, even though my eyes were blinded and my ears were defeated by deeply ingrained fear and ignorance (i. e. hate). And somehow I also believed it, even though it went against everything I had been told all my life.

I realized that I really wasn't a bad person after all. I had lived nearly my entire life believing a lie, and supporting that lie with many many other lies. So when that base lie fell to the light of the truth, all the other lies fell with it. My entire „world” (i. e. belief system) collapsed like a house of cards, and I literally bawled like a newborn infant from the sheer shock of being exposed to a whole new reality; a whole new truth; that I wasn't bad, and that I could in fact be loved for the person I was beneath the mask.

I don't suppose I'll ever be able to fully describe what a shock this realization was for me. I had believed for so long that no one would ever love the real me, so I had to fake who I was just to get people to accept me. But know I knew I didn't have to fake, or lie, anymore. I could remove the „bad man” mask, and if no one liked the real me it didn't matter anymore, because I was lovable, and I was loved.

At first I thought that „someone” was Shasta, the little girl who I had kidnapped in order to rape and murder (in my mind I was giving „society” a taste of its own sickness). But I quickly realized that she was only a conduit for the love I felt. The love I experienced through her came from an infinitely deep reservoir that her innocence and purity made her the perfect channel for. We worship a child's innocence because it allows us to glimpse this deeper love, but the love is not in the child, it's in all of us, and it's in the world.

This love was the cause of my remorse, and it was this love that compelled me to pick Shasta up and take her home. I let myself get „caught” because it was the only way I could be certain that I would not hurt anyone else. I did not confess out of guilt or shame, or because I wanted to be punished. I simply no longer feared the System, or even death. I knew I would probably be sentenced to die because of my crimes, I even told Shasta so on the way back to her home city. I told her that it didn't matter what they did to me; it only mattered that she was safe and with her father where she belonged.

I cried for days straight after I surrendered to the police. I spent many hours curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the jail cell I was put in, because the cold hard concrete gave me a comforting sense of contact with reality in an otherwise pain filled universe. I was loved! I was loved! And it hurt so much!

Only forgiveness and love can beget genuine remorse. Condemnation and punishment can only compel a person to feel regret, which is often mistaken for remorse. But regret is only concerned with ones own misery, and out punishment based justice system makes sure that's all anyone ever feels. We even reward regret, by giving criminals who „lawyer up” much lighter sentences, if they can be charged at all. A man who remorsefully turns himself in and freely confess will invariably have the book thrown at him. My own lawyers told me not to confess to my crimes in other states because of this, and because they wanted to use those crimes to bargain with. I told my attorneys that I would not allow such „bargaining” with the truth, and I confessed against their advice. I told my attorneys that the truth was not a commodity to be bargained with; it is a living and intelligent entity, that wants to be loved and acknowledged. My confession was an acknowledgement of the truth, nothing more, and I have been experiencing the consequences of my confession ever since, getting shipped from one jurisdiction to another to have the book thrown at me over and over again. If I had taken my attorney's advice I could have settled all my cases (crimes) at once and gotten life without parole instead of three death sentences (or more, if Washington State ever decides it wants to join in the Blame Game).

But, I still don't regret my confession, or my crimes. Because they are the Living Truth, that only wants us to know we are loved. Yes, my crimes are the truth too, as much as any other truth. They are an „ugly” truth, but if we deny the ugly truths then we deny all truths. Because in the end there is only One Truth, and no regret.

Shameless Humility

I have said in the past that I would wear my shame for everyone to see out in the open rather than try to hide or deny it. And I did this as sincerely as I could. But, as soon as I had exposed my shame to this light of conscious awareness it suddenly vanished!

It seems that shame does not like the light and prefers to hide like a shadow in the dark recesses of the mind as it envokes defaming emotions that have no substance or base in reality at all.

The truth is I have nothing to be ashamed of. And, I see this more clearly now that my shame has been exposed and expunged. Yes, I am perverted, but who isn't? Most men are sexually aroused by a woman's breasts. But, that is no less perverted than being aroused by another man's penis, or even a child's body for that matter. All of these perversions have been alternately embraced and scorned by different cultures throughout history, and equally so.

Perhaps nature herself is the greatest pervert of all! Is she wasn't then none of us would be here. Perversity is the prereqvisit of diversity, which we all know is a crucial and vaunted element for the health and survival of all living organisms. Every species, in fact every entity on this planet, must tolerate perversion or die from an inability to adapt. Perversion lives at the heart of Darwin's brain child; evolution.

so, my mistakes and my perversions, are justified in this sense, but not excused! They are justified in the name of nature and humankind, but inexcusable in the face of higher truth and love. I guess what I'm saying is no different than what I have been trying to say all along, or at least since my arrest (in 2005) after I had somehow and unexpectedly woken up to the higher truth I speak of.

I'm saying simply that my real crime was not kidnapping, rape, or even murder. Those things are no more than natural perversions (i.e. variations) of human nature. My real crime was being fearful and ignorant (i.e. hateful) of the Living Truth! This is what caused my perverse behavior and perverted my mind. It is what causes all perversion.

But, being fearful and ignorant is nothing to be ashamed of either - though it certainly demands that we be humble in our estimations of our worth and importance. That is to say, I have come to realize that shame is a poor substitute for genuine humility!

The Truth Is What Fear Fears

It takes more courage to face the truth than it does to face your greatest fear.
The truth is what fear fears.

Quandary of Truth

This sentence is a lie. This sentence is the truth. The quandary that exist for the first sentence above is clear. What is not so clear is that the exact same quandary exist for the second sentence as well. To see this is to see the futility and utility of human language all at once.

Pardon Our Mess

We are in the process of changing this blog around so it might be easier for readers to find the type of information they are interested in. Many entries are not yet correctly categorized since it is a work in progress. We aim to have everything in some semblance of order by the date of this entry (which may change according to our progress). In the meantime, we appreciate your patience.

Bane of Language

We greatly mistake our ability to manipulate symbols (human language) as the most telling sign of our intelligence.But what if it is our sickness instead? Perhaps words, symbols and language are the bane of mankind, not a boon at all! Many have said so before, but I don't think we really understand how much harm language could be causing. All life on Earth is at stake.

Can We?

Who am I? I am you, right now, reading these words written by someone you think is not you, but is. I know exactly what you are thinking this moment; And exactly what you are feeling. You are the one who wrote these words after all. If you think not, then you and I - we - are yet deceived. Eternity and infinity are one and the same. You cannot be eternal unless you are also infinite. A pure heart can see this plainly. Can you? Can we?

Intuition vs. Gut Instinct

There are those who say that intuition is overrated. But maybe it is not intuition that they are knocking. We also have a thing called “gut instinct” that is not the same as intuition. Our gut instinct comes from hardwired instincts. It tells us when to be afraid (often when there is nothing to be afraid of), as well as when to get aroused (even very young children will respond to adult sexual cues by becoming physically aroused, that is, by getting an erection, which is the cause of much confusion for both the adults and children who encounter this reaction). Clearly, gut reaction is not always rational. Our intuition can actually warn us when our gut reaction is inappropriate. For example, we intuitively know that a child's sexual response to adult sexual behavior, or an adults sexual arousal to a child's sexual qualities, is not an indication that adults should have sex with children. But because of our society's propensity for ignoring intuitive insight, many adults use their gut reaction to children (sexual arousal) to rationalize seeking out sexual relations with immature juveniles. This would be an example of how ignoring intuition can get us into a lot of trouble. But, it is only an example, not a model of intuitive deviancy. Gut instinct is more of a feeling, or emotional response, which explains why it is often called “gut feeling”. But intuition by contrast, is a kind of “inner voice”. Intuition can often invoke emotional responses, which are then mistaken for gut reactions. But intuition itself is not a feeling at all. It is important to be able to distinguish our “gut feelings” from intuition if we are to benefit at all from the later. Perhaps realizing that the only reason we end up confusing gut feeling with intuition is primarily because we have been conditioned to ignore intuition from a very young age. And ignoring our intuition requires constant effort, and hense energy expense. This makes it possible to “reverse engineer” the intellectual structures that we have installed inside our mind in order to block out our intuitive voice. We have only to focus on where our intellectual energy is going when we are at rest. This is something that happens, intuitively, when we meditate, thus leading to many personal “insights”. Of course, when I say, “inner voice”, I am not talking about psychotic voices in our head. However, I believe, based on personal and intimate experience with such “psychos”, that such voices are often intuition trying desperately to be heard. But, this psychotic voices are filtered through the speech centers of the brain, and hense lose nearly all of their intuitive power. Human language, as I have explained in other blog posts, is not suited for conveying intuition. So what intuition actually “sounds” like is not something anyone can tell you. But, I can tell you that intuition is not a gut feeling, or psychotic voice. I call it an “inner voice”, but even that description is desperately lacking. You must come to know intuition first hand. It is the only way.

Pride and Shame

Pride and shame, shame and pride; where one takes root, the other will hide.

Pure Language?

Why would a genuinely intelligent entity need to manipulate symbols? Even our most precise languages, of math and science, inevitably fail to truly represent the things they purport. They are, after all, only symbols, not the things themselves. I think that a truly intelligent being would understand, manipulate and communicate via reality itself, and not bother with symbols at all.

Praise All-ah

I have said that I am God. But, after thinking about it some more (oops), I have decided that I am not God. To claim that I am God implies that I am singular, because the pronoun "I" is singular. But, in the sense that the term "God" is commonly used, it cannot be singular. "God" implies a separate (more powerful) being from the one using the term. And, if there are separate beings then there is more than one. So, in bowing to the convention of language I must capitulate my assertion that I am God, and admit that I am not. But, WE are! In every sense of the term "God" that I have just expounded on, WE are God! No, we are not gods. That would mean that each one of us as an individual is God. We are not God as individuals, WE are only God when WE are taken together as One. God is a WE, not a He or a She. WE created the Universe, WE are all powerful, WE are all knowing and all present. But, only in the sense that WE are connected as One, never in the sense that we are individuals, or in any way separated from each other. So, to experience God (i.e. enlightenment) is to recognize and embrace this connection with all other people, and things! In fact, in the truest sense, WE are not God either. Everything is! So, perhaps we should just say, All is God, and leave it at that. Praise All-Ah!

Letting Go

“Let go; let God!” I have steared clear of these words in the past because they are badly tainted with Christian ideas of God. But, if you realize that God is no more, and certainly no less, than the unfathomable intelligence behind all that we experience (a.k.a. The Universe), then letting go, and letting God, becomes the very key that unlocks the door inside of us that opens to all of infinity. Heaven, salvation, bliss, ultimate truth, real power, true love, Nirvana and of course enlightenment are all references to what lies beyond that door. So why shouldn't we take this advice seriously? It is the key to our happiness, and to discovering and attaining our deepest need of all; the need to be (to know that we exist). You might think you already know that you exist, and no doubt on an intellectual level this knowledge seems plain to you. But if you still struggle against the illusion of death then it can only be because you have not yet accepted the knowledge of your existence in your heart. This is the well known “hole” inside of us that we perpetually and vainly seek to fill with all the delusional trappings of our experiental reality. We try to fill this hole with not just money, sex, drugs and power, but also with many other “fake gods”, such as righteousness, family values, and so-called morals. But ultimately what we attempt to do in all these cases is to establish our presence by exerting some form of control over our experience. It does not matter if the control we project is good or bad, just so long as it is control, and hense, evidence of our existence. But the truth that snaps at our heals and constantly threatens to rob us of our hard earned sense of existence (and purpose) is that nothing we do will last forever. In fact, the greatest influence possible by any one human (say, for example, a Christ, or Buddha) is clearly limited to several thousand years, perhaps tens of thousands at most. But even if one man could make a mark on the universe that lasted for over a billion years, when the mark is gone, so is all evidence that such a man ever existed. We can deny the inevitable erasure of such evidence in innumerable ways, and most religions focus almost all of their energy on exactly that. By imagining that what we do in this life will effect how we spend eternity is one way that religion attempts to dupe us into thinking we can escape that ultimate truth that seems to want nothing more than to destroy everything we have (our memories of our experiences). Yet, what we don't realize is that no finite experience will ever “live forever”. The very definition of finite demands that it has an end as well as beginning. Only something infinite, without end or beginning, can “live forever”. And that “something” exists inside of us, and all around us at the same time (anything infinite in time must also be infinite in space, since we know that space and time are all one and the same these days). It is the source of all finite experience, and whether we identify with it or not, it is ultimately who we are! But, we can't identify with our infinite selves if we turn to finite reality (and reason) for answers. This should be obvious, but for some reason such a self evident truth commonly elludes the most adamant soul searchers. Probably because the illusion of reality is so convincing. Yet, if it were not convincing then what would be the point? Seeking control, and hense confirmation of our existence (sometimes perceived as “love”) through finite experience is grasping the “golden sand” that can only seep through our fingers like in Poe's famous poem (A Dream Within A Dream). The only way to realize our true power (i.e. The Love of God) is to stop grasping at something that simple observation will tell us doesn't even exist! It seeps through our fingers no matter how tightly we clasp it, because it is only an illusion. We must let go of the illusion, or what Poe calls a dream within a dream, in order to realize the one true experience; which is who we are. That does not mean grabbing ahold of anything, or exchanging one idea of God for some other. It means letting go completely, just letting go, nothing else. Letting go is how we wake up from reality.

Sex Offender Society

The Sex Offender Society (SOS) is an organization of registered sex offenders. It does not matter if you have or have not ever comitted a sex crime. You can register as a sex offender at our website, or in person at one of our pride parade boths. Free SOS T-shirts will be given away this year to all new registrants at the Seattle, San Francisco and Minneapolis parade boths. The T-shirts read: “REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER, keep women and children away! (men prefered)” SOS is light-hearted. But provides real support and information for all registered sex offenders (criminal or not), not just gays. Our organization is founded in the future, and is based on the simple belief that all people are sex offenders, and all sex offenders are people. Note: SOS does not advocate or condone sex crime, or any sexual behavior that compromises another person's freedom to choose their own sexual behavior. If you would like more information about SOS, then you'll have to use your imagination; because no such organization exists... yet. PS: If the SOS website existed (sexos.com, pronounced “sey-ohs-dot-com”) it could have the following information and features: A comprehensive history of sex offender registration laws; including history of criminal registration (i.e. Nazi Germany) and current legal challenges. History of sex crime. History of persecution. Detailed listing and analysis of registration laws, cross-referenced by state. Sex offender registration lists, and searches, by state and national. SOS registration list, which includes offense type (not necessarily criminal) and optional descriptions, as well as other information that the “offender” determines should be made public (not the police). Periodic newsletters (e-mail subscriptions) to introduce new website features, legal challenge updates, and “Sex Offender of the Month” feature, as well as other features, such as “Tips and Tricks” (on how to legally avoid parole and police traps) and maybe a feature on “Legal Sex Offenses” (such as types of gay sex). Ideally the site wouls allow the SOS registered members to vote on new features (such as chat rooms, e-mail alerts, photo options, etc.) and also incourage member contributions (i.e. articles, stories, pictures, tips, etc...) The site would basically attempt to provide much needed community support for “sex offenders” in general, while being careful not to promote sex crime.

Blame Excludes Responsibility

Blame excludes all responsibility. You can't have both at the same time and they are not the same thing despite what those who project blame for a living (i.e. witch-hunters) want you to think. Blame shuns responsibility while only pretending to actually be responsibility. One way it does this is by using oxymoronic language such as, "personal responsibility", in order to confuse things, which makes it easier to convince people that blame is the same as being responsible. But there is nothing "personal" about real responsibility. It is action taken for the benefit of everyone, not just an excuse, like blame, to do nothing while everyone suffers. Responsibility takes action to solve a problem long before blame even points its accusing finger. It might not always solve a problem on the first try, but it knows that finding fault and placing blame never accomplishes anything and usually only makes things worse. Even though blame likes to pretend it makes a problem better it never does, because it can't. The best blame can do - and one of its favorite tricks - is to confuse the issue behind a veil of emotionally charged accusations and a lot of superficial action. For example, using punishment and reward "systems" to try to compel other people to take responsibility. But compelling someone to take responsibility is like trying to force them to love you! It can't be done. It might result in a false and temporary display of convincing compliance, but the display never lasts long before it turns into rebellion and spite behind the oppressor's back, which of course only make the problem worse in the end. Responsibility must be accepted freely, and it doesn't need to be rewarded. Like love, it is its own reward. Anyone who has ever been genuinely responsible, even just once, understands this. Those who can only place blame never will.

The Book of Life

Christian's don't believe in Christ; they believe in their own belief systems (b.s.) instead. The Christ is the Christian bible even tries to warn them of this error (see John 5:39-40 for example). But of course they cannot help making this mistake, because they have not “received the love of the truth”, so God sends them a “strong delusion, that they should believe the lie” (see Thes 2:9-12). And I say this not because the bible says so, but because it has been made clear to me. I have learned not to trust the “wisdom of men's words”, it was such “wisdom” that drove me to murder! And it is exactly this same false wisdom – wisdom born in fear and ignorance, not love – that drives men to want to murder me even now. Please read John, chapter 8, and look past the words and into the heart of Jesus, into my heart, and into your own! The gospel cannot be read in any book, except the Book of Life itself! (“...our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the gospel, not of the letter, but of the Spirit; for the letter kills but the Spirit gives life.” - 2 Cor 3:5-6, “You are a letter of Christ... written... on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart.” - 3:2-3)

Addicted to Us

I am convinced that drug addiction, like sex addiction, and perhaps like all addiction, is a sociological condition, not a psychological one. Which is to say that it is induced by pathological conditions in our social system, not by individual psychosis. It is a grave mistake to place the blame for addiction on the addict. Such a person clearly is not in conscious control of their own behavior, and said lack of control can be relatively simply traced to their social experience and background. Native Americans have an extremely high susceptability to alcoholic addiction. Some studies have pointed to genetic vulnerability, but these studies have not withstood scientific scrutiny. Currently there is no commonly accepted theory for their vulnerability to alcohol. Perhaps the solution could be found by studying the social impact on the disease. For example, what is the addiction rate of genetic Native Americans who are isolated from the Native American culture. I predict it would be much lower than other Native Americans. Maybe I'm talking out of my hat (in fact, I am), but if Native American alcoholism can be tied to sociological conditions, then what other forms of addiction could be similarily explained? The implications would clearly be stagering. So, perhaps for once we should listen to what an addict (me) says, and take a look at ourselves as a society instead of pointing fingers (which is all our so-called criminal justice system seems good at). Blaming the addict only exacerbates the problem by incouraging the self blame and the shame that is invariably associated with all addiction. This habit of blaming the addict may actually be the the social construct that causes the addiction. We should at least question addiction in this social context. But, since any general solution for addiction would cause a significant collapse in a whole sector of our present economy namely, the “Correctional Complex”, the more valid my suggestions may be, the less likely they would be seriously researched. And that is the result of another perhaps even related disease called capitalism. And since just mentioning that word gets my blood pumping, I'll stop now before I start exhibiting the symptoms of my own addiction to judgementality.

What I Saw, That Changed My Life

I saw that all life is eternal. I saw that I existed only by my connection to this eternal life. I saw that all things exist via the same connection to eternal life. I saw that what I am is animated and given purpose only by who I am. I saw that who I am is eternal. I saw that what I am would perish, but only after it had served out its purpose to who I am. I saw that all things serve the purpose of who I am. I saw that my purpose was to learn, and to understand. I saw that learning was an act of love, and understanding is the compelling force behind the act, and faith is the medium through which the force becomes action. I saw that lying was an act of hate, and ignorance is the compelling anti-force behind every lie, and fear is the medium that the anti-force conjures in order to justify deception. I saw that a great war was being fought between love and hate, understanding and ignorance, faith and fear. I saw that good and evil are deceptions used to keep fearful people ignorant of love. I saw that I was a fearful person.

Playing God

Most people in our society enjoy playing god. We even teach our children how to play this game practically from the moment they are born. A person who plays god well is admired as a successful person, and the person who plays poorly is condemned and outcast from the social playing fields. What does it mean to play god? It is the simple act of pretending to judge the merits of other people and circumstances. Our entire culture is permeated with the paraphernalia of this game. Newspapers, TV, magazines, the Internet, are all primarily concerned with providing us with the superficial information that we need to play. We become addicted to this game at a very young age, so young that we typically cannot even remember a time when we did not judge every person we meet and every experience we have. To judge seems completely natural to us, and we typically feel the need to do so constantly. For most people sitting quietly for a few moments without judging something creates a strong sense of unease and anxiety. And like any sport, there are many different levels of play, from the amateurish judgement of backfence gossip, to the world impacting judgements of polititians and religious leaders. But no matter at what level we play, it is still just a game. To BE God is a completely different matter. To BE God is never a game. Each and every one of us has the ability to Be God, but very very few have the courage to do so. So we PLAY god instead. I'm playing god right now as I write these words. I am judging myself and other people's ability to play the game. It is not a conscious process for me, but at least I am conscious of it. I realize that I am playing god because I exhibit all the behavioral indicators of the game (and the addiction). First and foremost, I am engrossed in human language. The fact that I am using words is a primary indication that the game is being played. Human language has become one of the greatest facilities of the game. Not all human language is used for playing god. But generally speaking, the more a pesron's lips are moving (or pen) the more likely they are caught up in the game. This is especially true any time that words are used to form some sort of opinion, of course, even if that opinion is only vaguely implied (as I am doing now, by vaguely implying that I know what the hell I'm talking about!) Yet for all the pain and suffering that playing god entails, it is not “bad” or “wrong”. And while it certainly envokes “evil”, it is not evil in and of itself. Ultimately it is still only a game played by the children of God. It helps us to learn so we can grow up and someday take on the responsibility that comes along with Being God. As we mature we eventually begin to lose interest in the game, and naturally become more involved with the process of creation (which, of course, is an ongoing miracle). We do this because as we judge less we begin to understand (and hense love) more. Through understanding we aquire the ability to shape and change our world (and the universe). Pure understanding, uncontaminated with judgement, has the ability to create. But pure understanding requires complete non-judgement, a return to innocence if you will. This is also what it means to truly forgive, and be forgiven. A person who is BEING God does not need to judge. But, God lets His children judge themselves, so that they will know when they are ready to stop playing children's games and grow up, becoming One with Him. Though the game is one of judgement, we are not learning how to judge. We are learning how (and why) to not judge. We are learning how (and why) to forgive. Only by learning this lesson will our need to judge (and to play god) diminish. And, pretending that we know how to forgive (i.e. by judging first so we can then pretend to forgive) is just another way to play the game (one that seems particularily popular with the least mature children of god who frequently call themselves Christians). You will know when you have learned this lesson (how to not judge and to genuinely forgive), because you will at that moment realize that you ARE God! And it will be the most humbling realization you ever have!

See No Evil

There is no evil in nature other than the evil we imagine as human beings. We only imagine evil because we are fearful, and we are fearful because we ignore the one truth that perpetually offers itself as our salvation from an eternal life of evil. Religions frequently form around this truth. Some religions believe they must protect it. Others think they must spread it. But, no religion understands it, because if it did understand then it would know that the one saving truth is completely independent of our experience, and does not need to be protected, or spread, or even served. It only wants to be acknowledged (i.e. loved). And, as soon as we do acknowledge it in our heart of hearts, we are freed from fear, and from all forms of imagined evil. Acknowledgement (love) of the one truth is not something we do as an act of volition. We cannot choose to "love God". God chooses who will love him, and how that love will manifest. It is an event that occures as any other event in nature, as the result of an infinite sequence of circumstances that no human mind could ever begin to fathom. We pride ourselves on our knowledge of the Universe, but we have not yet even begun the understand. Evil is not real, not really. We invent it, and we create it. But in the end, the truth will destroy it, or rather, reveal the lie of it.

There Are No Lesser Evils

If someone hates hate, then they only hate themselves. True love loves hate, but any hate that is loved becomes love, not hate. To understand this, it helps to think of hate as darkness, which is simple the absence of light, which of course is love. So hate is no more real than a shadow, and neither is “evil”. We can experience a shadow with almost all of our physical senses, but when you think about it, shadows don't even exist! So, to hate hate, is like seeing a shadow, and creating an even bigger shadow in order to get rid of it! Of course you can't destroy a shadow with more shadow. Only light can destroy a shadow, but of course the light doesn't really destroy anything. It only changes the darkness into illumination! And so love changes hate into understanding, and “evil” into “good”. But “good” doesn't really exist either. Good is no more than a “non-shadow”, so it is common for people to mistake a bigger shadow that encompasses many smaller shadows, as something “good”, or perhaps “a necessary evil”. There is no such thing of course. Necessary evils only seem necessary to people who's hearts do not yet shine enough light to illuminate the darker experiences of their life (like me, for one).

How Intelligent Are We?

What if everything we think of as human intelligence is not really intelligent at all? What if we turn out to be one of the most ignorant species on our planet? Think about it. Isn't intelligence ultimately a measure of our ability to understand our environment and then use said understanding to propagate our existence? If so, then clearly humans are pretty dumb after all. We are destroying this planet with a voraciousness rivaled in nature only by malignant cancer. How intelligent is that?

The Right To Be Wrong

I have said that it was the realization that what I was doing was NOT wrong that caused me to stop killing and turn myself in. But this is not entirely true, or at least, it gives an impression that is not entirely true. So, let me contradict myself a bit, so I can make myself a little more clear. What I should have said was that I realized that what I was doing (i.e. raping and murdering children) was not wrong IN THE WAY THAT I THOUGHT IT WAS WRONG at the time. But it certainly was wrong in another way that I previously did not suspect, and I “realized” this at the same time as well. It was not wrong because it was perverse, or unnatural, or morally corrupt. I needed it to be wrong in those ways in order to justify what I was doing. Only if what I was doing was an affront to “human decency” would my actions deliver the blow they were intended to deliver to the heart of The Beast that I thought was my mortal enemy. I needed my crimes to be socially condemned in order for them to be justified. I realize that the concept that social condemnation directly attributes to anti-social behavior is a difficult one for most people to grasp. So, I won't even try to expound on it here, since others far more astute than I have already done so many times in numerous books. But, the converse realization. That what I was doing WAS wrong in another unexpected way, is much simpler to express. I realized that I had no right to impose my beliefs (or my “trip” as Timothy Leary would say) onto other people! This is such a simple and basic truth that it seems so completely obvious once you realize it. And yet it is also the easiest truth to rationalize away, as most of us do, one way or another. So, that's what I realized was “wrong” about what I was doing. But, I should note that nothing is ever “wrong” in any absolute sense. I realize now that it is only possible for me to know what is “wrong” for me, and me alone. That is why the above realization - that I must not impose my “trip” on others - is so important. Because I cannot possibly know what is “wrong” for someone else. But, that's essentially just saying the same thing; we all have the right to be wrong ourselves, but not the right (or ability) to judge wrong in others.

Release Day

Ignorant fear mongers will do doubt claim that by refering to my execution as a release day I am merely denying the reality of my circumstances. But, whose reality am I denying? In my reality, which is to say, in my experience, death is no more than another step in life. By calling it a release I am denying nothing, but embracing death's true form by using a term better suited to its purpose and effect. For those who have never been to the edge of the world, a world with edges is all they know. And, for those who have never been to the edge of life, a life with death is all they know. It is only this delluded reality that I reject by calling death what it more truly is: a release, and an opportunity to move on with life!

People Like Me

As long as society continues to demonize people like me there will continue to be people like me. I am a product of society's fear. As long as fear is allowed to dominate, people who spread fear will thrive. And, it does not matter from which side of the system they spread fear from, the result is always the same; people like me.

It Always Comes Back To Fear

Fear is the primary ingredient for hate. We cannot hate without it. The secondary ingredient is ignorence (sic) a.k.a ignorance. All other ingredients contribute to the flavor of hate, but not to its substance.

I have found through close personal introspection that every time I get angry (a clear symptom of hate), if I look behind the facade of reasons for my anger I will consistently find fear lurking in the subconscious shadows of my mind.

Reasons are the spices that flavor our hate, but they always only serve to mask the putrid flavor of raw fear and rank ignorance. Our capacity to reason has become our bane. It too easily allows us to live in a delusional world, where ravenous monsters of our own creation exacerbate the vast cesspool of reasons we need to spice up our hatred into its many palatable forms; outrage, indignation, irritation, frustration; even lust and desire.

But reasoning, as powerful as it seems for solving our problems, cannot see past its own creations to the very core of its own existence. Reason can not grasp the formless reality of the source of our being. And yet, only by recognizing this source can we overcome our fear, and our ignorance.

Yet, perhaps overcoming fear does not mean being rid of it! Maybe we need fear, and even the various forms of hatred that it substantiates, in order to live life as we know it. Which is to say that without fear and ignorance, there might not be a world for us to live in. The entire universe as we know it could merely be an illusion that must be substained by a balance between faith and fear, knowledge and ignorance, love and hate.

By overcoming our fear we put it „beneath our feet”, compelling it to serve us rather than rule us. This is the message of the Bible, the „Gospel” that saves. It is the knowledge of eternal truth that brings salvation and infinite peace.

But you cannot overcome fear with reason. Reason is fear's invention. Fear is the ultimate master of reason and so reason can never be used to overcome fear. Fear will even deceive us into believing that we can defeat it with reason. This is the falacy of nearly all worldly religions; they seek to justify their beliefs, and to destroy fear (i. e. „evil”) rather than to overcome it.

Fear knows it cannot be destroyed. Fear itself fears only being overcome, and forced to submit to the will of „God” as expressed through women and men. It also knows that it can never be overcome with reason. That is why it has established so many belief systems that seek to either „destroy evil” or otherwise overcome evil with reason.

Only faith can overcome fear. You cannot fight it, you must release it.

We use faith to control our fear, not destroy it.

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III - September 12, 2010 – 12:30 pm)

Last Laugh

I wish that you could see me
Right here before your eyes
I wish that you could be me
'Cause then you'd realize

The blackest nights that we flee
Only dream of blacker lies
Loathing we should be free
Lights in darkened skies

I wish that you could see me
In there behind your eyes
Perhaps then you could be me
And laugh at death's goodbyes

What Words Will Never Know

I have suggested in this blog that at some point in your life you may realize that you are God. But I think it is important to understand that when this event occures you will probably not actually think, “Oh, I am God!”

Actually, if you think anything at all it will likely be something relatively silly, like, “Oh, the sky is really blue!” or “My gosh, I'm here!”. What you actually think will not by any means express the true realization that you have, not even if you spend the rest of your life writing down what you think about it (as I seem to be doing). :(

When it happened to me the only thing I thought was something like, “I'm not afraid anymore!” (I don't really remember my actual thoughts when it happened, but I do remember that I kept repeating those words out loud). At the time I was on the side of a small mountain in the Montana wilderness with a little girl I had kidnapped and intended to kill. The actual realization I speak of came as I was standing nude in the forest with a large rock poised over my head in my hands that I was about to use to crush the skull of the naked and blindfolded little girl as she stood in front of me.

When the realization hit me – and it had a distinct emotional impact that was anything but “peaceful” - I suddenly turned and threw the rock off into the trees as I let out a primal screem of sheer terror! I had realized, without words, what I had been running from realizing for almost all my life.

I realized, as I have just said, that I am God! And, at that moment, and for many hours hense, I stopped PRETENDING to be god, and for the first time in my life I took responsibility for BEING God.

Of course this is just one way of trying (and failing) to express something that I know can never be expressed, at least not with mere words (though my life and choices I have made since that moment on the mountain have become a form of expression in themselves of what actually happened, but this form requires a lot of intuition to even “hear”, much less understand). I could also say (and have) that I realized that I was directly responsible for everything that was happening (and had ever happened) to me. It doesn't sound as psychotic when I put it that way, but the meaning is the same. In fact, almost everything I have written in this blog has in one form or another been an expression of the realization I had at that single moment on the mountain.

It was not as “peaceful” as some say such a realization should be. And because of this it took me a long time to correctly articulate what it was that I had realized. Not to mention that by the time I was arrested in Cour d'Alene, Idaho, many hours later, I was already beginning to lose touch with what I had realized. I was quickly slipping back down into the muck of my own ignorance that I had somehow lifted myself out of long enough to bring the girl home and let myself get caught.

It has taken me over five years to work my way, slowly and painfully, back up out of that muck to the point where I can at least write these words, if not fully re-embrace that realization of Godhood itself.

I have also come to suspect that perhaps the reason the experience of “enlightenment” was not a peaceful one for me was because I was not ready for it. I was still not mature enough for such a powerful experience. In a sense, it was a premature birth of sorts, and I was fortunate enough to be able to crawl (almost literally) back into the safety and comfort, that the womb of deception provides, before my premature “heart” gave out from the stress of pumping harder than it was ready to.

But, as I always say, I don't know. I probably won't know until I am born once more into the light and what I now believe to be the REAL WORLD. Until then I will keep spouting from the depths of my ignorance, knowing it is not someplace I will remain forever. Someday, I will realize once more that I Am God, and I hope the next time it happens I can leave all words and thoughts peacefully behind.

P.S. When I said that I threw the rock down in terror, I meant in terror of the Truth. But when I started repeating, “I'm not afraid anymore!” I meant I was not afraid of “them” (i.e. the system).

Video Evidence In The Press

In a video that was displayed as evidence for the prosecution during my Federal sentencing trial over two years ago, I told Shasta that her wish for “a million-billion dollars” was impractical and asked her why she didn't wish for me to take her home instead. We were making wishes and writing them on a piece of wood that we would then burn so that the wishes would be carried to the astral plane for consideration. Shasta and Dylan both wished for money, and then Shasta wished for jewelry and Dylan wished for a fancy car. I wished for forgiveness.

After I questioned why neither of them wished to go home Shasta quickly added, “Oh, ya! And I wish to go home too!”, at which point I said, “At least I wished for something I might get...”

In the video, also at the time it was made, it was clear that I was admonishing Shasta for her first wish (for money and jewelry), not the one (to go home) that she added after I prompted her. And yet when the media reported on this video, on two different local news stations and in the papers, they all reported falsely that my comment, “At least I wished for something I might get...” was directed towards Shasta's third wish, “to go home”.

The intention of this misinformation by the press was obvious. It was to make me seem as cold-blooded and cruel as they could, even though in the video I was being fatherly and kind at the time, and the children were both clearly under no duress. I'm not denying the cruelty of what I did to these children. I'm simply observing that in this particular video no cruelty was evident. Several people who watched this video said that if they didn't know the children had been kidnapped they would have thought it was a video of an ordinary family camping trip. And yet the news media chose to portray a fabricated misconstruction of the events depicted in the video.

And, what's even more interesting is that not just one media outlet chose to run this misinformation. As far as I could tell, they all did! (At least the four sources that I saw for myself – two TV news broadcasts and two newspapers, one local, and one from Spokane). And it wasn't as if all these news sources themselves had the same source. There were several reporters in the courtroom from different agencies. And yet they all reported the same misinformation about this video!

Why? The paranois me wants to scream, “conspiracy!” But the more practical me realizes that the truth is probably even scarier than that. The technical term, I have since learned, for this kind of media distortion is called, “framing”. The idea is to portray the information in “packages” that the viewers expect. How information is packaged (or framed) for viewing is a part of the consumer culture. It allows information to be distributed in a convenient form. If something doesn't “fit” inside the “frame”, such as a serial killer behaving as a compassionate person, then the extraneous information is “shaped” to fit, as it was in the case of my comment in the evidence video.

I site only one specific example of media framing in this blog post. But every story you see, in fact, ever piece of information you see in the media, is framed one way or another. This framing distorts public perception so severely that it allows serious misperceptions to be regularily propagated. Society in general takes certain “frameworks” for granted, such as “sex offenders are less human” or “terrorist are irrational fanatics”, in spite of clear evidence that indicates otherwise. These false presumptions lead to distorted decisions that end up causing a lot of people to suffer unnecessarily. They also – coincidentally I'm sure – produce a greater need for authority, in order to maintain social order.

Of course there are numerous well reputed books written on this topic (e.g. Using Murder: The Social Construction os Serial Homicide, see “Booklist” linkon the upper right of this page), so there is no need for me to expound on it here. I just wanted to shed a little light on it in the context of my own experience; which is what this blog is about. In my case alone I have seen so much distortion of information that I do not consider my “public image” to have anything to do with me at all. Joseph E. Duncan III is a media monster, not a person at all, and certainly not me! My hope is that this blog will help anyone interested in the real person behind the name to see that I am no more, and no less, than a human being. Yes, I have done extraordinarily terrible things. But, nothing I have ever done, dispite how my actions have been packaged and sold by the media, has ever been outside the range of human behavior; not even close.

I'm not saying what I did is somehow acceptable; it is not. But it is human, and the more we deny this (the more we “buy” what the popular media is selling) the more we allow this kind of destructive behavior to continue, and of course, the more we need “authorities” to “protect” us (which is another false framework sold to us by the media because they profit tremendously from it).

The Crime Of Punishment

The threat of punishment has never been, nor ever will be, a significant deterent to crime. The primary criminal deterent has always been social consciousness. And, the primary cause of crime has always been the lack of social consciousness.

The threat of punishment works to undermine social consciousness, and by doing so only ends up promoting the very behavior it purports to deter.

Social consciousness can be instilled in a person's character at any age under proper conditions, though it is most commonly instilled during childhood. In order to instill social consciousness the person's personal experiences must reflect an ability to trust social mechanisms and social structure.

The lack of social consciousness is always caused by social experiences that demonstrate a lack of benefit to the individual while at the same time demanding personal sacrifice and suffering.

The primary benefit of a healthy social system is a sense of belonging and purpose. It is the perceived absence of this benefit that leads directly to criminal behavior. This is also the very first thing that is forcefully and thoroughly stripped from a person as soon as they have any encounter with the so-called Correctional System as an offender. It should be no wonder at all that such people, even if they had a relatively intact social consciousness going into the “System”, rarely have any social consciousness at all coming out of the System.

The only way to restore a person's sense of social consciousness is to restore their faith in the social system. Punishment does the exact opposite. Criminals rarely believe that they deserve to be punished. (Recently corrections officials have figured out that the offenders who genuinely believe their punishment was deserved are far less likely to re-offend. The officials don't seem to realize that this is a cause, not an indicator. The criminal behavior itself is an indicator of the more serious problem of lost social function.)

Punishing the criminal is tantamount to killing the messenger. It doesn't solve anything and usually only makes the problem worse. The only solution (and one that has been proven to work) is to develop a system that promotes, instead of destroys, social consciousness. But that would diminish the need for the government's power, and we couldn't let that happen, could we?

One Choice

I have already said that as children of God it is given to us to play God by pretending to judge (condemn and glorify) other people and circumstances. But, behind our immaturity is a universal dynamic that ultimately determines our capacity to either play God or Be God. That dynamic is the result of a single choice that everything in the universe must make.

Yes, we do have free will, the freedom to choose. But, in the final analysis that freedom comes down to one, and only one, choice. It is a choice we all must make. We can choose to know the ultimate Truth, or to remain ignorant. To know the Truth is to be conscious of it. It is not a choice you make with reason or rational. To remain ignorant is to remain unconscious of the choice itself. To be unconscious of this choice is to be considered but a child of God, and to be condemned by your own ignorance and your own choice (i.e. your own judgement) to experiences that seem either random (chaotic) or determined by other pretend gods (human or otherwise).

The events in the life of such a child sometimes appear to the child as its own “choices” as well. But these are just pretend choices and their purpose is the same as all the other pretend experiences that the child of God has. We pretend to judge, pretend to suffer, pretend to love, and even pretend to die. But, as I have said, we have only one real Choice.

The Choice itself cannot be truly articulated in finite terms. Even though I have not yet attempted to expound on the actual Choice, I have already made several statements about it that inevitably imply things about the One Choice that are not quite right. Just for example, I stated that everything in the universe must make this One Choice. But the word “everything” does not truly express the nature of everything. It implies that there is more than one “thing” in the universe, which is not really true. But it is also not really true to say there is only One Thing (or God), though in some contexts this is closer to the Ultimate Truth.

The most correct expression is in regards to the duplicity or unity of the universe would be to say that it is both One and Many at the same time. But this too is not a true and correct picture, not to mention that it is also very confusing for most people, especially God's children (or perhaps more correctly, God's Child, since the many-one aspect of the universe applies to God's children-child as well).

So you can see then that the One Choice is also an infinity of choices at the same time. It cannot be grasped by any means of finite reason. You must make this choice in your “heart” as they say, not with your mind. But, it is possible to know what choice you have made, that is, to know the Ultimate Truth. This is why the mystics who have made the right choice always say that you will know when you do. But if there is any doubt or question in your heart at all, then you are still only pretending.

Be patient, the time will come for you to make the right choice. In the meantime have faith. It will only be pretend faith of course, until you have come to know the Ultimate Truth. But, you do not need to know the Ultimate Truth in order to have faith in it. And nor will having faith help you to know the Truth. But it will ease your suffering and make the games of childhood a little more tolerable. Especially as you get close to maturity and the games become more and more transparent and superficial to you.

There is nothing you can do consciously in order to facilitate your knowledge of the One Choice, any more than you can consciously make your hair grow (or not grow). People who tell you to “not sin”, and “obey God”, or even “believe in Christ”, are pretenders who have yet to realize the choice they are making to pretend. But, at the same time, people who have made the right choice will, without conscious effort, do all of these things, and more.

The Bible does not tell us how to make the right choice (nor does the Bible itself even claim to do so). No book or person can tell you that. But the Bible, and many other books of truth, can tell you how you will know when you or someone else has made that choice. Such a person will not sin, will not lie, will love unconditionally, and will make forgiveness mode of justice. But, doing all of these things does not constitute making the right choice, or salvation for that matter.

P.S.: I'm still only pretending myself. But, I sense strongly that I am on the cusp of true understanding. I believe that I have already made the “Right Choice” at least once (when I brought Shasta home and turned myself in), but I was unable to sustain that choice (i.e. keep making the right choice). I also suspect that once I am able to make the Right Choice again, then I will probably not bother attempting to write about it. I will fully realize the futility of words, as I only partly realize now. In the meantime I continue to ignorantly hope (pretend hope?) that my words will at least help others get to the cusp as well. No words will ever take you further, they can at best only point you in the right direction.

My Ignorance Defines Me

Most people, methinks, define themselves according to what they think they know. But, when I was just 23 years old (in prison of course) I realized that more than anything else, my ignorance defines me.

What I don't know separates me from the universe in which I find myself more than what I know. And since ignorance seperates, and knowledge joins, it is what I don't know that determines my limitations and my boundaries. And isn't that what a definition is? A description of limitations and boundaries.

Even when we think in terms of what we know, we are really only conversely experiencing what we don't know. I might think that I know my eyes are blue gray, but doesn't that just mean that I don't know how to say what color they really are? In other words, I don't know what color my eyes are at all, unless I am actually looking at them in the mirror. And then they are the color they appear, not the color of some words or even ideas I might hold in my mind.

It is thus my ignorance that I express when I believe myself to be expressing knowledge. And it is this ignorance that defines me.

Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III - April 2, 2011 – 11 pm

Son of the One

I have often believed in the past that I could stop masterbating and fantasizing anytime I wanted. I used to think that the only reason I continued to be sexually deviant was in order to “get even” with the System. In my mind, I would use the shocking nature of my behavior to lash out at those who would be shocked by it; my enemy, the complacent citizens that comprise the body and mind of the System.

I needed to believe those things in order to convince myself that I was in control of my life. I needed to blame society for all my problems in order to have any sense of control at all over my life. If I were to blame myself for my problems – and I did not know how I was to blame – which I did not, then the sense of loss of control would be overwhelming. So I had no choice but to either blame society, and retain an illusion of control over my life, or blame myself, and surrender all control.

Ultimately I learned that I didn't have to blame anyone. I also learned that I never was in control, and never will be! I witnessed directly the incredible intelligence that directs my life. I believe now in the ultimate benevolence of that intelligence, since I saw how all the pain and sorrow in my life have been the result of... loving guidance. The blows that caused me such anguish were delivered by the will of the ultimate craftsman as my life was shanped into a work of art that no human artist will ever mimic; a living, loving, faithful, adoring, Son of the One!

Enemy Mine

The only way to truly understand the enemy is to become the enemy. If you are unable or unwilling to do so then you must resign yourself to perpetual conflict.

Black History

In the US, February is Black History Month. But, black history is my history too.

No Easy Solution

I have often lamented the insanity and injustice of persecuting sex offenders. It is a form of madness that invariably leads to more sexually abusive behavior in our society while pretending to prevent it. But I have never offered any ideas of how to fix it.

The omission has been deliberate. I believe that once the insanity is clear then the sane thing to do will also become clear. But the “sane” thing to do is never something any human laws will ever be able to fully emulate. The only sane thing to do is to love and an accept an offender, then trust love to solve our dilemmas for us. It is a solution as old as time itself.

So the “sane” thing to do when someone rapes a child might be to simply kill the rapist immediately, out of mercy (since no one would commit such an act of violence unless they are badly wounded psychologically and in great “spiritual pain”). Or it might be to simply ignore the rapist and help the child. It all depends on what love tells us to do, not logic.

Logic is cold and incapable of compassion and understanding. So as wonderful as it is for solving scientific problems, it will never be able to solve our moral ones. (In fact, attempting to apply logic to moral questions is the very crux of the insanity of our so-called justice system. This is also why psychology, sociology and even anthropology should not be considered sciences at all. They are pseudo-religions and will never be anything more.)

(Originally written: May 10, 2010 – 12:45 pm)

Wagering On God

Pascal wrote, “You must wager...Which will you choose?... Let us weigh the gain and loss in calling “heads “ that God is. Let us weigh the two cases: if you win, you win all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager then unhesitantly that He is.”

I have heard this argument before. The fact that anyone would actually resort to such logic in their attempt to answer the single most important question of their eternal life is appalling to me. It is a good example of how our foolish reliance on reasoning prevents us from ever experiencing that which is directly in front of us. I can hardly imagine that God, however defined, would acknowledge such a superficial attempt of belief. The wager itself is a copout, one that if taken, win or lose, will cause you to lose everything.

Knowing God should be no more of an exercise in reason than knowing your own mother, in fact, even less so. To question the existence of God is to question your own existence. There is no reasoning more complex than, “Cogito, ergo sum”, necessary to reach the required solution. If there is no God, then there is nothing. God is that that is; nothing more and nothing less. To wager on His existence is to wager on your own existence. It is a fools bet.

Descartes' Principles

The First Principle

Everyone has heard René Descartes most famous axiom, “I think therefore I am”. But, few people realize the full context and profound importance of this truth.

Here is a translation of the greater context of what Descartes actually wrote:

“I observed that, whilst I thus wished to think that all was false, it was absolutely necessary that I, who thus thought, should be somewhat; and as I observed that this truth, I think, therefore I am, was so certain of such evidence, that no ground of doubt, however extravagant, could be alleged by the sceptics capable of shaking it, I conclude that I might, without scruple, accept it as the first principle of the philosophy of which I was in search.”

First of all, it is important to realize that the basis of Descartes famous assertion, as is clearly indicated above, is that, “all was false”, which is to say that nothing we experience can be considered anything more than an illusion. Forget that modern science (i.e. quantum physics) bears this out; it is self evident to any careful thinker. As Descartes himself puts it elsewhere:

“What is there then that can be considered true? Perhaps this only, that nothing is certain.”

And I myself have often stated, “The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing for sure; except I am.”

The “except I am” is my own expression of Descartes famous aforementioned axiom. Of course he actually wrote in Latin, “cogito ergo sum”. But, contemporary historians note that the correct form is, “cogito cogitationes, ergo sum”, or “cogito me cogitare, ergo sum”. Using these forms, then a better translation that more correctly reflects what Descartes was trying to say is, “I am aware, therefore I am”. Or, more precisely, “I am cognizant, therefore I am”.

The importance of this “first principle” is that there is nothing else we can be certain of, except that we exist! But Descartes did not just stop there. He went on to ask, what can be derived from this most basic truth? And while that is presently about the extent of my knowledge of Descartes, I myself can derive a second, third, and even fourth principle from his well established first.

The Second Principle

The first principle is, “ I am cognizant, therefore I must exist”. From this it is possible to derive other important information about our existence.

For example, if I exist – as the first principle claims – then I must also be eternal. The basis for this second principle is as unshakeable as the first. Since clearly anything with a beginning (and hense an end) cannot be said to exist at all. “If it has a beginning, then it has an end; and if it has an end, then it already has.” Anything that is not eternal is only an illusion in time (and space), and therefore does not exist. So, if I exist, then I am eternal. This is what I call the second principle.

So, I do not need to be cognizant of my eternal nature in order to know that I am eternal. It is as self evident as the first principle.

The Third Principle

The first principle says, I exist; and the second, I am eternal. So a third principle now becomes apparent, and is really only an extension of the second principle.

If I am eternal (in time) then I must also be infinite (in space) since space and time are essentially the same thing (which mystics have been saying long before Einstein came along and proved it mathematically).

Since I am infinite, the I know there is nothing that is not me! This is critically important, because it informs us that everything we experience is as much a part of who we are as anything else we experience. I am you, and you are me. To realize this in your heart is to be enlightened. To realize it in your mind is just another illusion.

The Fourth Principle

The fourth principle flows naturally from the first three: I exist, I am eternal, and I am infinite, therefore there is nothing that I am not.

I am who I am, I am the creator of all that I experience. I do not need to be aware of my devine nature, or my infinite power. The fact, whether I realize it or not, is that I am God.

Realizing this truth is incredibly humbling. In fact, if you think you are God, but you are not humbled by the thought, then you simply do not yet realize the truth of it.

From this truth wisdom flows. As God, we can plainly see the folly of judging others, and realize how by doing so we are literally judging ourselves. We learn the value, and power of forgiveness, not as a rule, but a devine law that can never be broken. We see that all struggle is futile and pointless. Peace becomes our nature, since to struggle makes no sense to someone who truly realizes they can never die.