1-800-HELL

Shortly after my arrest in 2005 I had a disturbing dream that I am only now able to understand at all. I may have written it down in a journal I was keeping at the time, but I don't recall ever talking to anyone about it. The dream had an obvious interpretation that did not make any sense to me. I was afraid that if I told anyone about it that they would draw the only conclusion that the dream seemed to offer: that I belonged in Hell! It was a lucid dream, which is to say that it was vivid, with clear details, and I was fully conscious of the fact that I was in a dream and that in “reality” I was asleep in a jail cell awaiting prosecution for capital murder and kidnapping. At the time of this dream I was still struggling consciously (while awake and asleep) to sort out what had happened, and why I had surrendered to the police. A strong feeling that pervaded my thoughts and feelings at the time was a sense of having joined some mystical community that as yet remained a mystery to me. While I could distinctly feel a sense of belonging to this community, I could not otherwise identify its existence. I thought maybe that the community was purely “spiritual” with little or no real counterpart in the “physical” world. The dream I had seemed to be yet another manifestation of that sense of belonging to some mystical community. In the dream I found myself standing in the foyer of a congregation hall, like a church, but not a church. I approached the main entrance to the hall, large double doors that were wide open and through which I could see a large gathering of people apparently waiting for some ceremony to begin. I thought maybe they were waiting for me. But as I approached the entrance, two large male porters who were standing there turned and took notice of me. They seemed to recognize me immediately, but not in any positive way at all. In fact, one of them exclaimed, “How did you get here?” implying by his tone that I definitely did not belong. Then, without waiting for me to answer (I tried to explain to them that I was having a lucid dream and that I wanted to be a part of their congregation, but I never got the chance) they quickly took me by the arms and shuffled me toward a coatroom, where an attendant was waiting.

The same porter who spoke the first time indicated to the coatroom attendant that he should retain me, and then told him (and this part I remember clearly), “Call 1-800 HELL”

Then I woke up (or, rather, found myself suddenly back in my jail cell) with the clear impression that I was not wanted in that congregation.

What confused me was that these men clearly judged me, apparently without cause. Even then I understood that such judgement was not conducive to an enlightened body of people. I should have been accepted and loved, especially since I had sincerely repented my ignorance (and my “crimes”). So why was I so harshly and brashly judged?

Well, I think I have finally come to an understanding. I think that perhaps because I was still alive (i.e. had a physical body) that the condemnation to “hell” did not have to be eternal. In other words, I was being “sent back” for more work.

Actually, I'm still not sure what the dream meant. But at least I now have a plausible explanation. Maybe hell is no more than some kind of soul smetter, and my soul was yet to be fired. Or maybe that's just one definition, or purpose, of hell. I'm not going to pretend I know what hell or heaven is. But if they exist at all then they must have some reason to exist beside simple reward and punishment.