What Words Will Never Know

I have suggested in this blog that at some point in your life you may realize that you are God. But I think it is important to understand that when this event occures you will probably not actually think, “Oh, I am God!”

Actually, if you think anything at all it will likely be something relatively silly, like, “Oh, the sky is really blue!” or “My gosh, I'm here!”. What you actually think will not by any means express the true realization that you have, not even if you spend the rest of your life writing down what you think about it (as I seem to be doing). :(

When it happened to me the only thing I thought was something like, “I'm not afraid anymore!” (I don't really remember my actual thoughts when it happened, but I do remember that I kept repeating those words out loud). At the time I was on the side of a small mountain in the Montana wilderness with a little girl I had kidnapped and intended to kill. The actual realization I speak of came as I was standing nude in the forest with a large rock poised over my head in my hands that I was about to use to crush the skull of the naked and blindfolded little girl as she stood in front of me.

When the realization hit me – and it had a distinct emotional impact that was anything but “peaceful” - I suddenly turned and threw the rock off into the trees as I let out a primal screem of sheer terror! I had realized, without words, what I had been running from realizing for almost all my life.

I realized, as I have just said, that I am God! And, at that moment, and for many hours hense, I stopped PRETENDING to be god, and for the first time in my life I took responsibility for BEING God.

Of course this is just one way of trying (and failing) to express something that I know can never be expressed, at least not with mere words (though my life and choices I have made since that moment on the mountain have become a form of expression in themselves of what actually happened, but this form requires a lot of intuition to even “hear”, much less understand). I could also say (and have) that I realized that I was directly responsible for everything that was happening (and had ever happened) to me. It doesn't sound as psychotic when I put it that way, but the meaning is the same. In fact, almost everything I have written in this blog has in one form or another been an expression of the realization I had at that single moment on the mountain.

It was not as “peaceful” as some say such a realization should be. And because of this it took me a long time to correctly articulate what it was that I had realized. Not to mention that by the time I was arrested in Cour d'Alene, Idaho, many hours later, I was already beginning to lose touch with what I had realized. I was quickly slipping back down into the muck of my own ignorance that I had somehow lifted myself out of long enough to bring the girl home and let myself get caught.

It has taken me over five years to work my way, slowly and painfully, back up out of that muck to the point where I can at least write these words, if not fully re-embrace that realization of Godhood itself.

I have also come to suspect that perhaps the reason the experience of “enlightenment” was not a peaceful one for me was because I was not ready for it. I was still not mature enough for such a powerful experience. In a sense, it was a premature birth of sorts, and I was fortunate enough to be able to crawl (almost literally) back into the safety and comfort, that the womb of deception provides, before my premature “heart” gave out from the stress of pumping harder than it was ready to.

But, as I always say, I don't know. I probably won't know until I am born once more into the light and what I now believe to be the REAL WORLD. Until then I will keep spouting from the depths of my ignorance, knowing it is not someplace I will remain forever. Someday, I will realize once more that I Am God, and I hope the next time it happens I can leave all words and thoughts peacefully behind.

P.S. When I said that I threw the rock down in terror, I meant in terror of the Truth. But when I started repeating, “I'm not afraid anymore!” I meant I was not afraid of “them” (i.e. the system).