Help Me!

How does it make me feel to admit that I still masterbate to fantasies of raping small children? It makes me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I am a failure at self control. It reminds me that I am not better than human. And it forces me to rely on my belief that I am no less than human as well. It causes me to feel inferior to even those I have judged in the past as ignorent and cowardly. It compells me to face my own ignorance and craven nature. And it gets me to think about my “sickness” in a context I might otherwise not have been able to appreciate, an “exposed” context.
It also appeals to the depraved part of me. The shame that I experience awakens the part of me that needs shame in order to feel justified. I do not indorse this part of myself, I only ancknowledge it in order to better understand it myself; to bring it “into the light” of social consciousness. But it is craven and pathetic, and derives great pleasure from being exposed, from even exposing itself, like a person exposing their sexual parts to another unsuspecting person for the pleasure of it. (Which is why I only "expose” myself in this blog, which has ample warnings attached to it to prevent anyone from being “victimized”. Unless, of course, they want to be “victimized”, but in that case it would be their “sickness” not mine at play).
Of course, I do not “expose” myself for the pleasure of it. I am extremely careful not to give that part of myself that much control over my words and behavior. I've learned what a heinous mistake that can be, in the past. But the part that wants to understand; the part that takes no pleasure in my shame, or any pleasure in asking others for help. But by exposing myself in this way I am asking you for help, no matter who you are. If you are a caring person at all, then I need your help to get better. I am convinced that I cannot “heal” myself. It was from trying to heal myself in the past that I became so desperately depraved (i.e. “sick”).
How can you help? Simply like this: read my words, open your heart, and try to understand. You do not need to relay that understanding to me, or to anyone else. If you understand, the understanding will relay itself in ways that our conscious minds have yet to fathom.
How can you hurt? By judging me and condemning me. In this way you “feed” my sickness, the depraved part of me that wants you to be offended and “sickened” by my “exposed” private parts. If you want to hurt by shaming me, I'll certainly understand, I once needed to hurt people by shaming them too in order to feel justified. But if you have the courage to help me instead, then thanks!