Honestly Ashamed

As much as I try to deny it, I am chasmically ashamed of what I have done and for what I am. I have denied this shame in the past because I recognize it as a primary source of my negative self destructive behavior. My attempts to deny my shame have not been motivated by a desire to make myself look better, or even feel better. But, I thought that if I deny my shame then perhaps I would not be ashamed, and my tendency toward anti-social behavior would be at least somewhat alleviated. Now I realize that my shame is not something that will go away just by denying it. Perhaps it will never go away.
I have also attempted to turn my shame into humility, with what I thought was some success. I was certainly humbled. But now I suspect that ultimately while humility embraces shame, it does not replace it. I must learn to live with my shame written on my face at all times, or I am not being an honest person. Perhaps that is all humility really is; being honestly ashamed.