Hating something evil is like loving something good; the passion only makes the object stronger.
One of my favorite songs that I listened to often when I lived in Fargo, North Dakota, was "Down with The Sickness" by a group called Disturbed. The chorus goes something like this:
"Get up, come on get down with the sickness!
Get up, come on get down with the sickness!
Get up, come on get down with the sickness!
Open up your hate and let it flow into me!"
This song was so close to the truth of the "sickness" that I kept hidden from even my closest friends that I kept it heavily encrypted on my computer and only listened to it in complete privacy for fear that if anyone ever found it in my possession it would point them directly to the "dungeon" where my sickness lay hidden. (To this day the FBI has been unable to crack this encryption code, though they testified in court that they dedicated an entire room full of computers for over a month trying. I laughed when I heard that, because if they had just asked I would have told them that the key was 248 bits, and the algorythm PGP (a program so tough to crack that the NSA tried to get it outlawed). A little math would have then told them that a billion of the most powerful computers in the world couldn't crack the encryption if they tried for the lifetime of a trillion universes like ours. I guess they had to try to make themselves feel better. But, like I said then, it will take a quantum computer to crack the encryption, and my hope is that by the time we have the tech to do that we might also have the wisdom to learn from what those encrypted files contain, instead of using them to propagate the "sickness" that made them in the first place.)
"Open up your hate and let it flow into me!"
The "sickness" (i.e. evil) feeds on hate. I did the horrific things I did specifically to make people hate me. I needed them to hate me in order to feel vindicated, and justified, for what "they" did to me.
I once lay hidden in some bushes down the street from a house that I had just invaded moments before with every intention of raping and killing the children who lived there. But just as I was about to kill the one adult (the mother) who stood between me and my hate feast, the father came in through the front door and I ran out the back then up the street and then panting heavily into these bushes to catch my breath.
My car and my escape was only a few yards away, but I needed to make sure nobody saw me get in and drive away. So I waited.
And while I waited I heard the man scream from the other end of the block. I can only imagine, by the time it took for this scream to happen, that when the man entered his home and found his wife bound hand and foot in the living room, and children (one already naked from the waist down) awaiting my pleasure in the master bedroom, that he probably grabbed a gun (most likely) or some other weapon and run out in the back yard (the direction his wife no doubt told him I had gone) to hunt me down.
But, a quick search turned up no clues of where I was or even which way I had gone (I was long gone, as they say, by the time he even realized what was happening). And that's when the reality of what had just happened finally sunk in, and the hate and rage instantly boiled up to the surface and he screamed.
The scream was nothing coherent. It was a purely primal scream of rage and frustration. It was a scream of powerlessness and helplessness. All that hate had to come out somehow, and it came out in that scream, which he knew, I'm sure, that I would hear. If he couldn't pour his hatred into me directly, then he'd do it indirectly with his yell.
I drank it up. As soon as I heard it I smiled. It told me everything I wanted to know (i.e. that the coast was indeed "clear") and gave me exactly what I needed, his hate!
I remember thinking, "Yeah, motherfucker, now you know how it feels!"
I was spreading the "sickness" by doing the "evil" things I did. I was given "them" (the faceless members of the society that infected me with their hatred) a taste of their own medicine. And that scream was better than sweet buttermilk ass waiting to be violated.
That was then. But on the mountain with Shasta I had an epiphany that made me no longer desire such "justice" or "revenge". I no longer saw that man, or his children, or society, as my victims. Suddenly I realized in the deepest sense, that "they" were ME!
I was only hurting myself. I was only hating myself. I was only projecting my pain and hate, and confusion, and "sickness" onto them. But it all came from inside of me. I was the only one who could stop my suffering, my fear, and my confusion. And the only way to stop it was to stop projecting it onto others. If I wanted peace, I had to learn to embrace the hate, pain and fear as my own; my choice, not theirs.
Now, if only "they" could somehow come to this same realization; then, only then, there might be real peace for everyone, especially our children.
(J.D. 5-16-2014)
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
A Proven Alternative To Blame
I once saw a documentary about airplane accident investigations that illustrated an effective alternative to the counterproductive blame game that our System currently plays with crime. The subject of this particular episode was a mid-air incident that nearly cost the pilot his life, and much worse, but fortunately ended well (nobody suffered any permanent injuries). Regardless of the outcome, like all life threatening (and profit threatening) airline incidents, it was taken very seriously and became the focus of a major investigation by private investigators who work for the airlines, not the government.
Now, I emphasize here that the investigators work for the airlines, not the government, because this changes the primary goal of the investigation from pacifying the public to protecting profits, and as a result the string of resulting secondary goals change as well.
Government investigators must ultimately cater to public emotion, which motivates how people vote, and what opinions they hold about various public officials and issues. Because of this they are driven to find someone to blame, rather than a real cause of the problem. Blame, and the superficial cause that it represents, is the most expedient and simplest (i.e. least expensive) means of pacifying the simple mind of the masses.
But private investigators must typically answer to a small board of profit minded directors. They care almost nothing about who is to blame for the accident, they care only that the real cause be found so that steps can be taken to stop the same kind of accident from happening again. Why? Because they know that a repeat, and hence, preventable accident is far worse for profits than a new unavoidable one.
What happened was the windshield on a commercial passenger jet blew out of its frame by the internal cabin pressure as it reach attitude shortly after take off. As a consequence, the pilot was literally suck out of the plane and saved from certain death because his leg got caught on his seat belt strap, giving the co-pilot enough time to grab the pilot before he was blown away by the 500 mile per-hour wind. But, because of the wind, which pressed the captain's unconscious body back against the fuselage, the co-pilot couldn't pull the pilot back into the plane; not even with the navigator's help.
So, the co-pilot radioed in an emergency and quickly turned the plane around and landed it with the pilot still hanging outside the entire time.
The pilot survived, miraculously, and made a complete recovery. But everyone wanted to know how the hell a window just blows out of a plane like that. So the private investigators were called in.
As it turned out, the windshield had recently been replaced for some routine maintenance reason, and the wrong screws were used to bolt the window into its frame. And that's as far as any government investigators would have gotten. They would have blamed the mechanic who replaced the windshield for using the wrong screws, probably have him fired, fined, or maybe even criminally charged, and then act completely surprized the next time a window on another jet blows out in mid-flight.
But, the private investigators were only just getting started. They interviewed not just the mechanic who replaced the window, but also the tool room clerk, the other mechanics in the maintenance hanger, and looked at the design specifications of the plane, especially the windshield, and the maintenance procedures, in theory and practice. What they found out was that the screws that the mechanic used by mistake look almost exactly like the screws he was supposed to use. The only difference was that the wrong screws were just a few centimeters shorter. Maintenance procedure demanded that all the screws be replaced, which is why the old screws weren't used. Maintenance procedure also required that the mechanic verify that he has the correct parts by cross-checking the numbers with the tool room clerks records. But, in practice this was not done because it took too much time and the maintenance supervisors pressed the mechanics to rely on their experience and take short cuts.
So, in the final report to the money bags what do you think the investigators recommended? Fire the mechanic? Fire the tool clerk? Fire the maintenance supervisors? Sue the plane manufacturer and designers?
None of the above. Instead they thanked the mechanics for the information and for helping with the investigation, and made no suggestions than any actions be taken against anyone (i.e. they weren't interested in the blame game). They recommended that maintenance procedures be evaluated, and changed, so that part number confirmation was made practical and not time consuming for the mechanics. They also recommended that the mechanics be given more breaks in their work hours to reduce fatique and the urge to take short cuts.
As I recall, all of these changes were made; not just locally at that one maintenance hanger, but throughout the industry! The mechanic who made the mistake said later that he was always more careful than ever about making sure he had the right parts. By keeping him on as a mechanic, and allowing him to participate actively in the process of finding a solution, the airline not only kept an experienced and highly skilled mechanic, but they also got one who would remain hypervigilant for the rest of his career!
Perhaps there is something to be said after all for profit driven organizations as opposed to bureaucratic ones.
(J.D. 5-20-2014)
Now, I emphasize here that the investigators work for the airlines, not the government, because this changes the primary goal of the investigation from pacifying the public to protecting profits, and as a result the string of resulting secondary goals change as well.
Government investigators must ultimately cater to public emotion, which motivates how people vote, and what opinions they hold about various public officials and issues. Because of this they are driven to find someone to blame, rather than a real cause of the problem. Blame, and the superficial cause that it represents, is the most expedient and simplest (i.e. least expensive) means of pacifying the simple mind of the masses.
But private investigators must typically answer to a small board of profit minded directors. They care almost nothing about who is to blame for the accident, they care only that the real cause be found so that steps can be taken to stop the same kind of accident from happening again. Why? Because they know that a repeat, and hence, preventable accident is far worse for profits than a new unavoidable one.
What happened was the windshield on a commercial passenger jet blew out of its frame by the internal cabin pressure as it reach attitude shortly after take off. As a consequence, the pilot was literally suck out of the plane and saved from certain death because his leg got caught on his seat belt strap, giving the co-pilot enough time to grab the pilot before he was blown away by the 500 mile per-hour wind. But, because of the wind, which pressed the captain's unconscious body back against the fuselage, the co-pilot couldn't pull the pilot back into the plane; not even with the navigator's help.
So, the co-pilot radioed in an emergency and quickly turned the plane around and landed it with the pilot still hanging outside the entire time.
The pilot survived, miraculously, and made a complete recovery. But everyone wanted to know how the hell a window just blows out of a plane like that. So the private investigators were called in.
As it turned out, the windshield had recently been replaced for some routine maintenance reason, and the wrong screws were used to bolt the window into its frame. And that's as far as any government investigators would have gotten. They would have blamed the mechanic who replaced the windshield for using the wrong screws, probably have him fired, fined, or maybe even criminally charged, and then act completely surprized the next time a window on another jet blows out in mid-flight.
But, the private investigators were only just getting started. They interviewed not just the mechanic who replaced the window, but also the tool room clerk, the other mechanics in the maintenance hanger, and looked at the design specifications of the plane, especially the windshield, and the maintenance procedures, in theory and practice. What they found out was that the screws that the mechanic used by mistake look almost exactly like the screws he was supposed to use. The only difference was that the wrong screws were just a few centimeters shorter. Maintenance procedure demanded that all the screws be replaced, which is why the old screws weren't used. Maintenance procedure also required that the mechanic verify that he has the correct parts by cross-checking the numbers with the tool room clerks records. But, in practice this was not done because it took too much time and the maintenance supervisors pressed the mechanics to rely on their experience and take short cuts.
So, in the final report to the money bags what do you think the investigators recommended? Fire the mechanic? Fire the tool clerk? Fire the maintenance supervisors? Sue the plane manufacturer and designers?
None of the above. Instead they thanked the mechanics for the information and for helping with the investigation, and made no suggestions than any actions be taken against anyone (i.e. they weren't interested in the blame game). They recommended that maintenance procedures be evaluated, and changed, so that part number confirmation was made practical and not time consuming for the mechanics. They also recommended that the mechanics be given more breaks in their work hours to reduce fatique and the urge to take short cuts.
As I recall, all of these changes were made; not just locally at that one maintenance hanger, but throughout the industry! The mechanic who made the mistake said later that he was always more careful than ever about making sure he had the right parts. By keeping him on as a mechanic, and allowing him to participate actively in the process of finding a solution, the airline not only kept an experienced and highly skilled mechanic, but they also got one who would remain hypervigilant for the rest of his career!
Perhaps there is something to be said after all for profit driven organizations as opposed to bureaucratic ones.
(J.D. 5-20-2014)
Friday, May 30, 2014
"Psychopaths", And "Serial Killers" In Particular
One of the "shocking" traits of so-called "psychopaths", and "serial killers" in particular, is the "casual" nature in which they commonly discuss their crimes. But, what about the casual and frequently even sarcastic nature that forensic psychologists, police, and other "criminal justice" workers use to discuss the lurid details of their jobs (but only when in the presence of other so-called "professionals" of course).
If they persistently only expressed their experience in the morose tones that they reserve for public displays then their entire existence would be morose and they'd soon become so depressed that they wouldn't want to live, much less do their job.
So, why should "psychopaths" and "serial killers" in particular, be any less adaptive to the reality of their circumstances? Yes, we killed, tortured, and even mutilated the bodies of other human beings. But, if we steeped ourselves in this morbid reality by constantly expressing the memories of events, as we are so often required to do by those who insist on hearing it all over and over in order to better judge (though never dare "understand" or "comprehend") what we have done, then we too would become so morose that we would scarcely want to live.
Of course, there are those who do adopt this contrite and unadaptive response, and we well know where they end up (hint: morgues and psych wards). But those of us who wish to survive, with our sanity that is, must adapt, just as anyone else would, not just we so-called "psychopaths" and "serial killers" in particular.
(J.D. 5-17-2014)
P.S. I should observe that perhaps this "adaptive" response to morbid realities is in fact psychotic. But, whatever it is, it is practiced in various ways by all humans, not just "psychopaths" (oh, and "serial killers" in particular); and that's my only point.
If they persistently only expressed their experience in the morose tones that they reserve for public displays then their entire existence would be morose and they'd soon become so depressed that they wouldn't want to live, much less do their job.
So, why should "psychopaths" and "serial killers" in particular, be any less adaptive to the reality of their circumstances? Yes, we killed, tortured, and even mutilated the bodies of other human beings. But, if we steeped ourselves in this morbid reality by constantly expressing the memories of events, as we are so often required to do by those who insist on hearing it all over and over in order to better judge (though never dare "understand" or "comprehend") what we have done, then we too would become so morose that we would scarcely want to live.
Of course, there are those who do adopt this contrite and unadaptive response, and we well know where they end up (hint: morgues and psych wards). But those of us who wish to survive, with our sanity that is, must adapt, just as anyone else would, not just we so-called "psychopaths" and "serial killers" in particular.
(J.D. 5-17-2014)
P.S. I should observe that perhaps this "adaptive" response to morbid realities is in fact psychotic. But, whatever it is, it is practiced in various ways by all humans, not just "psychopaths" (oh, and "serial killers" in particular); and that's my only point.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
The Gist of Christian Hypocrisy
Not all, but most Christian denominations teach (directly against what the Bible clearly says over and over) that we "sinners" have some form of free will, given us by God, though usually "limited" to some extent (these limitations are imposed purely for the purpose of resolving, superficially at best the numerous contradictions and enigmas that arise immediately when we claim to have any will at all, but as we will see in a moment, it is a thin veil indeed). They insist we have free will in order to explain their "worthiness" of salvation.
They will tell you that you must choose to believe that Jesus is your "personal Lord and savior", or you will be condemned for eternity in hell. Forget that this is not what their Bible teaches; at all! (I actually respect the Bible in the exact same sense that Mahatma Gandhi indicated he did when he was asked what he thought about Christianity and stated that he had no problem with Christianity, as taught in the Bible; it was the Christians he could do without). The contradiction comes when they turn right around and tell you that forgiveness is a free gift, offered to all men, women, and children, that must only be accepted in order to be invoked.
... IN ORDER TO BE INVOKED? Again, forget that this isn't what the Bible says either (i.e. forgiveness does not need to be invoked, it is granted to everyone whether they "accept it" or not). The problem is that if we have the ability to "invoke" God's forgiveness (e.g. by choosing what we believe), and even if that were the only free will choice we had at all (i.e. the most extreme limitation), then the so called "God" who gives us this choice has in fact established a condition on his "gift" of forgiveness by requiring that we believe in Him in order to receive it.
But isn't "believing in God" (specifically, "believing in Jesus", i.e. the so called Christian God) a high price? In order to hold this belief one must abandon and outright ignore all empirical experience, or any other evidence that contradicts what you are told to believe (by other people who are always eager to "interpret" the Bible for you, or even "speak to God" for you and tell you what He says). A high price indeed! In order to have this "forgiveness" and the "eternal salvation" that usually goes along with it, all you have to do is prove your "worthiness" by choosing to IGNORE the very Truth that Jesus Himself claimed to BE!
And THAT, is the very essence of the raw hypocrisy that must be embraced if you call yourself Christian (in particular a Christian that believes you have the ability to choose your fate in one way or another).
(Incidentally, the few Christian denominations that still adhere to the "no free will" - or, as they say, "One God, One Will" - position are the remnants of a great theological war that took place in the Middle Ages over whether or not men had free will at all. Unfortunately, the "deceiver" seems to have one that one).
(J.D. 3-28-2014)
They will tell you that you must choose to believe that Jesus is your "personal Lord and savior", or you will be condemned for eternity in hell. Forget that this is not what their Bible teaches; at all! (I actually respect the Bible in the exact same sense that Mahatma Gandhi indicated he did when he was asked what he thought about Christianity and stated that he had no problem with Christianity, as taught in the Bible; it was the Christians he could do without). The contradiction comes when they turn right around and tell you that forgiveness is a free gift, offered to all men, women, and children, that must only be accepted in order to be invoked.
... IN ORDER TO BE INVOKED? Again, forget that this isn't what the Bible says either (i.e. forgiveness does not need to be invoked, it is granted to everyone whether they "accept it" or not). The problem is that if we have the ability to "invoke" God's forgiveness (e.g. by choosing what we believe), and even if that were the only free will choice we had at all (i.e. the most extreme limitation), then the so called "God" who gives us this choice has in fact established a condition on his "gift" of forgiveness by requiring that we believe in Him in order to receive it.
But isn't "believing in God" (specifically, "believing in Jesus", i.e. the so called Christian God) a high price? In order to hold this belief one must abandon and outright ignore all empirical experience, or any other evidence that contradicts what you are told to believe (by other people who are always eager to "interpret" the Bible for you, or even "speak to God" for you and tell you what He says). A high price indeed! In order to have this "forgiveness" and the "eternal salvation" that usually goes along with it, all you have to do is prove your "worthiness" by choosing to IGNORE the very Truth that Jesus Himself claimed to BE!
And THAT, is the very essence of the raw hypocrisy that must be embraced if you call yourself Christian (in particular a Christian that believes you have the ability to choose your fate in one way or another).
(Incidentally, the few Christian denominations that still adhere to the "no free will" - or, as they say, "One God, One Will" - position are the remnants of a great theological war that took place in the Middle Ages over whether or not men had free will at all. Unfortunately, the "deceiver" seems to have one that one).
(J.D. 3-28-2014)
It's Not About Me Anymore
One of the first things I told Shasta (the eight year old girl I had kidnapped, raped and intended to kill, but took home before surrendering to the police instead) after I had the epiphany that made me stop wanting to hurt everyone who ever hurt me - namely society in general - was, "It's not about me anymore."
I told her that right after I had picked her up and was carrying her back to the stolen Jeep so I could drive her home. But what exactly does that mean? Or, at least, what did I mean? Well, the answer seems so obvious to me that it has taken this long (almost ten years) for me to realize that it's not obvious to everyone; so let me explain.
Most people will tell you, if asked, that they realize they are not the center of the world, but few people actually realize that not only are they not the center of the world, but they aren't even the center of their OWN world! It's one of hardest things for a human being to realize because 99.9 percent of everything we experience is egocentric. How can we even begin to understand that the story of our lives ISN'T about us when the only central character we ever experience IS us? Anyone who has ever experienced a pure experiential bond (a.k.a. True Love) with another person has a powerful clue; and anyone who has experienced that same kind of bond with the Universe itself knows well the answer!
(J.D. 4-18-2014)
I told her that right after I had picked her up and was carrying her back to the stolen Jeep so I could drive her home. But what exactly does that mean? Or, at least, what did I mean? Well, the answer seems so obvious to me that it has taken this long (almost ten years) for me to realize that it's not obvious to everyone; so let me explain.
Most people will tell you, if asked, that they realize they are not the center of the world, but few people actually realize that not only are they not the center of the world, but they aren't even the center of their OWN world! It's one of hardest things for a human being to realize because 99.9 percent of everything we experience is egocentric. How can we even begin to understand that the story of our lives ISN'T about us when the only central character we ever experience IS us? Anyone who has ever experienced a pure experiential bond (a.k.a. True Love) with another person has a powerful clue; and anyone who has experienced that same kind of bond with the Universe itself knows well the answer!
(J.D. 4-18-2014)
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Biting Myself
Most of the other prisoners here on death
row are fairly preoccupied with their appeals and other legal work. So I’ve had
to invent ways to politely parry conversations that head in this direction
since I have no interest in that kind of stuff at all. I’ve managed to come up
with an explanation for my unusual lack of interest that I think most other
prisoners can understand. I do it by putting it in terms that they are all
familiar with.
I tell them that in my view the system is
the worst criminal of all, in every sense of the term. Then I ask them to
imagine what they would do if a gang of prisoners accosted them in the shower,
put a shank to their neck and said, “If you suck our dicks we might let you
live.”
And, before I get a response I sometimes
remind them (depending on how far I want to take the conversation) that they
actually have three choices. They can suck dick, and hope to live, or accept
their death with at least some dignity, or play along long enough to try to
bite off a dick, and then die knowing they at least hurt someone in the gang.
Most prisoners quickly embrace this third
option. So, I tell them I tried that already, and there are drawbacks. First of
all, you have to take the dick in your mouth before you can bite it, and
secondly, it’s a lot harder to bite off someone’s dick that it sounds, even
under those circumstances (I say, “trust me, I know”).
Most prisoners seem to get my point, but
insist that they’re going to fight and bite first chance they get, and the
conversation either turns, or just ends right there. But, what I have yet to
tell any other prisoner, simply because I have not me tone who has asked, is
that the reason I did the insane things I did (i.e. rape and murder children)
was because I was trying to bite off as many dicks as I could before “they”
killed me. But then something happened that allowed me to “see” that I was only
biting myself.
[J.D. 3-7-2014]
Saturday, March 22, 2014
No Excuses, And No Reasons
Sometimes I think that maybe I just got weak, and that's the real reason I brought Shasta home and turned myself in instead of killing her the way I intended. But, if the truth were as simple as that I would have embraces it and killed myself a long time ago.
The real reasons that I stopped killing people remains as much a mystery to me as to anyone. And yet even though it is a big mystery to me, I can't help but feel I somehow KNOW the reason on some level that words, or even thoughts, can't touch.
If I say it was because I got weak, and caved in to my human sentiment, or if I say I had a revelation - even just a psychological one - and realized the horrific error I was making, then I am still only inventing reasons - or "stories" as any neurologist would tell you - to explain something that happened that there is simply no "rational" explanation for.
After I was arrested I kept telling anyone who would listen that there was no excuse for the terrible things I had done. But, what I didn't tell people, because I did not yet understand, was that there was also no reason (that words will ever express) for why I stopped doing those things and turned myself in. And yet at least when I did try to articulate a reason I invariably qualified it with statements about the ultimate ineffable nature of the reason I was attempting to express.
But now I can finally admit, just as there is no excuse for my crimes, there is no reason for my surrender. And yet, despite this truth, the fact remains that I did stop killing, and I did turn myself over to the police, and I did freely and truthfully confess to my crimes with no coersion or benefit for me (i.e. I made no plea deals in exchange for a confession I hadn't already confessed). Something caused me to make a radical change in my behavior, and numerous brain scans, and psych tests show conclusively that it wasn't psychological (or at least not neurological).
So what happened? When the world (i.e. society in general) knows the answer to that question - without words or reasons, as I do - then, and only then, will there be hope for real peace.
(J.D. 3-2-2014)
The real reasons that I stopped killing people remains as much a mystery to me as to anyone. And yet even though it is a big mystery to me, I can't help but feel I somehow KNOW the reason on some level that words, or even thoughts, can't touch.
If I say it was because I got weak, and caved in to my human sentiment, or if I say I had a revelation - even just a psychological one - and realized the horrific error I was making, then I am still only inventing reasons - or "stories" as any neurologist would tell you - to explain something that happened that there is simply no "rational" explanation for.
After I was arrested I kept telling anyone who would listen that there was no excuse for the terrible things I had done. But, what I didn't tell people, because I did not yet understand, was that there was also no reason (that words will ever express) for why I stopped doing those things and turned myself in. And yet at least when I did try to articulate a reason I invariably qualified it with statements about the ultimate ineffable nature of the reason I was attempting to express.
But now I can finally admit, just as there is no excuse for my crimes, there is no reason for my surrender. And yet, despite this truth, the fact remains that I did stop killing, and I did turn myself over to the police, and I did freely and truthfully confess to my crimes with no coersion or benefit for me (i.e. I made no plea deals in exchange for a confession I hadn't already confessed). Something caused me to make a radical change in my behavior, and numerous brain scans, and psych tests show conclusively that it wasn't psychological (or at least not neurological).
So what happened? When the world (i.e. society in general) knows the answer to that question - without words or reasons, as I do - then, and only then, will there be hope for real peace.
(J.D. 3-2-2014)
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