Biting Myself

   Most of the other prisoners here on death row are fairly preoccupied with their appeals and other legal work. So I’ve had to invent ways to politely parry conversations that head in this direction since I have no interest in that kind of stuff at all. I’ve managed to come up with an explanation for my unusual lack of interest that I think most other prisoners can understand. I do it by putting it in terms that they are all familiar with.

   I tell them that in my view the system is the worst criminal of all, in every sense of the term. Then I ask them to imagine what they would do if a gang of prisoners accosted them in the shower, put a shank to their neck and said, “If you suck our dicks we might let you live.”

   And, before I get a response I sometimes remind them (depending on how far I want to take the conversation) that they actually have three choices. They can suck dick, and hope to live, or accept their death with at least some dignity, or play along long enough to try to bite off a dick, and then die knowing they at least hurt someone in the gang.

   Most prisoners quickly embrace this third option. So, I tell them I tried that already, and there are drawbacks. First of all, you have to take the dick in your mouth before you can bite it, and secondly, it’s a lot harder to bite off someone’s dick that it sounds, even under those circumstances (I say, “trust me, I know”).

   Most prisoners seem to get my point, but insist that they’re going to fight and bite first chance they get, and the conversation either turns, or just ends right there. But, what I have yet to tell any other prisoner, simply because I have not me tone who has asked, is that the reason I did the insane things I did (i.e. rape and murder children) was because I was trying to bite off as many dicks as I could before “they” killed me. But then something happened that allowed me to “see” that I was only biting myself.

[J.D. 3-7-2014]