No Excuses, And No Reasons

Sometimes I think that maybe I just got weak, and that's the real reason I brought Shasta home and turned myself in instead of killing her the way I intended. But, if the truth were as simple as that I would have embraces it and killed myself a long time ago.

The real reasons that I stopped killing people remains as much a mystery to me as to anyone. And yet even though it is a big mystery to me, I can't help but feel I somehow KNOW the reason on some level that words, or even thoughts, can't touch.

If I say it was because I got weak, and caved in to my human sentiment, or if I say I had a revelation - even just a psychological one - and realized the horrific error I was making, then I am still only inventing reasons - or "stories" as any neurologist would tell you - to explain something that happened that there is simply no "rational" explanation for.

After I was arrested I kept telling anyone who would listen that there was no excuse for the terrible things I had done. But, what I didn't tell people, because I did not yet understand, was that there was also no reason (that words will ever express) for why I stopped doing those things and turned myself in. And yet at least when I did try to articulate a reason I invariably qualified it with statements about the ultimate ineffable nature of the reason I was attempting to express.

But now I can finally admit, just as there is no excuse for my crimes, there is no reason for my surrender. And yet, despite this truth, the fact remains that I did stop killing, and I did turn myself over to the police, and I did freely and truthfully confess to my crimes with no coersion or benefit for me (i.e. I made no plea deals in exchange for a confession I hadn't already confessed). Something caused me to make a radical change in my behavior, and numerous brain scans, and psych tests show conclusively that it wasn't psychological (or at least not neurological).

So what happened? When the world (i.e. society in general) knows the answer to that question - without words or reasons, as I do - then, and only then, will there be hope for real peace.

(J.D. 3-2-2014)