The Gull of a Baby Raper

What is gull? Gull is the sense of power and control that a person gets when they overpower something within themselves that they might otherwise fear. I mean, think about it. Am I right? If I am right, then the key to understanding so-called "pedophiles", or almost any "criminal", is to understand where they get the gull to have sex with children. And to do that, we must take a closer look at the definition of "gull", and try to understand where it comes from, because without gull, nobody would dare harm a child.

It is a well-known and studied fact that very few "sex crimes" are motivated primarily by sexual desire. The real desire the "criminal" responds to in almost every case, even pedophiles, is the desire for power and control. When I was on the Riverside Sheriff's turbo-prop being transported from California back to Federal custody (death row) in Indiana, the deputies flying me engaged me in a long conversation over the plane's intercom system. They used the intercom (headphones and speakers) so they could hear and covertly record everything I said. And I knew they were recording; it was only obvious, but I didn't care. What bothered me more was that they didn't listen to what I was telling them. They only heard what they wanted to hear, and ignored the rest. They ignored the main point of what I took more than two hours trying to tell them: where I got the gull to kidnap, rape, and kill children.

All they heard was me telling them that I enjoyed raping babies (under a year old). I know that's all they heard because that was the only part that got played in court from the tape they made at my "competency" hearing several months later. But that wasn't what I told them at all. I told them that I have had fantasies of raping infants since my arrest. But, I emphasized over and over that the only reason I had these fantasies was because they gave me a sense of power and control, not over the child, but over society, and over the system, who "dared me" to have such fantasies by accusing me and shaming me for doing so.

I was attempting to explain to the deputies how our culture creates the necessary social structure and motivations that give a "rapist" like me the gull to do (and/or fantasize) what they do. I got "power" and control" over the fear of shame that the deputies themselves actively invoked with their "disgust" and "hate" for what I did (and/or fantasized). I told them that the only reason I fantasized about raping small babies after my arrest was because it gave me a sense of power and control over the fear that they themselves wanted me to feel, and spent their careers trying to make people like me feel, because they thought they could control people like me by using fear. That's the very premise of our Western "criminal justice" system: make criminals fear getting caught so they won't commit crimes.

But, the only thing fear does is create a desire, and indeed a "need", to overcome the object/source of the fear. It creates the need for gull. And it neatly divides society into two "classes": those who invoke fear (the "bullies") and those who resist it (the "criminals").

Of course nobody is a pure "bully" or pure "criminal". This dynamic interplays in all sorts of ways on all sorts of levels. My fantasies of raping small babies was just a natural reaction to the unique circumstances that my arrest and consequent "legal proceedings" created for me. I was predisposed to these fantasies, as a means of overcoming the fear of shame and humiliation invoked by our "system", because I had clearly resorted to similar gull already (by raping young children) as a means of obtaining power and control over my fear, the very fear that "society" sought to control me with. But the rapes, which I thought gave me control over the source of my fear, only created fear within other people, that they in turn sought to gain control over by invoking yet more fear and hatred. It is a cycle of fear and ignorance that serves only to exacerbate the very circumstances that both sides are trying desperately to alleviate.

That means that the gull of a baby raper essentially (and critically to the understanding necessary in order for us to break free from the cycle, as I tried to do by refusing to kill my last victim and turn myself in) comes from the same place the gull of the police, prosecutors, judges, correctional officers, etc. comes from. It comes from our need to gain power and control over what we fear. Take away the fear, and the gull vanishes with it.

I have no sexual desires for babies at all. And I freely admit, without shame (I refuse to be ashamed of something I know to be natural), that young children are very "sexy". Anthropologists theorize that human children are "sexy" in order to solicit care and protection from adults that might otherwise abandon them. This theory actually explains a lot, including our current cultural hyper-revulsion to child-sex, which is a classic "guilt reaction" to otherwise completely natural feelings, like the sexual attraction between grown people of the same sex (so-called "homosexuality"). But my baby-rape fantasies are not "natural" in the sense that they serve no functional purpose other than creating an illusion (or delusion) of power and control over the fear that others imagine give them power and control over me. The truth is that we can never control anything or anyone but ourselves with fear. Fear creates an illusion of control over others, but like my baby rape fantasies, it is never more than an illusion (or delusion) of control.

So what do you hear? Do you hear some "sicko" admitting that he likes to rape babies? Or do you hear a sorely wounded and beaten man pleading for the madness to end? What you hear will determine our future, and the future of numerous "innocent" children.. So listen carefully, and hear wisely!

[J.D. May 6, 2017]

Notes: Just in case it is not clear above, I should note that my "baby rape" fantasy was not a consciously invoked fantasy that I engaged for the conscious purpose of "power and control" over my fear. Instead it was a fantasy that seemed to "appear" on its own accord, as most of my fantasies do, especially lately as I have given up all attempts to control my fantasies at all. My fantasies live and breathe all on their own. While I can exercise short-term "immediate" control over them --- as anyone can --- over time, they always have their way, so I don't bother with trying to control them anymore, instead I simply try to understand them; which is what this blog post is about --- understanding, not controlling. True "control" comes through understanding, and understanding alone; the illusion of control comes from trying to control something without understanding, such as by using fear, or force. That's why the "Criminal Justice" system will never work --- much to the joy of those who profit off of it (who are the same people who make the laws and promote the fear and ignorance based "solution" - as unconsciously as I promote my own "baby rape" fantasies, but for the exact same reasons: It gives them a false sense of power and control over the perceived source of their fear 😰).

On the "Inherent Value" of Human Life

To say that human life is valuable is the same as claiming that the form (body) we inhabit is more valuable than the one who inhabits that form. It takes away from the value of the inhabitant and diminishes the importance of faith and understanding (a.k.a. "love") in lieu of fear and ignorance ("hate").

Life itself is the only thing of value in this world or in the entire universe. "Human life" is not special at all. In fact, aside from the beauty that exists within human life, as it exists within all forms of life, nothing can be said about human life forms other than the fact that, as species, we exhibit all of the characteristics of a destructive organism, which we ourselves commonly refer to as a "disease".

Like cancer cells, we consume resources far beyond our needs. We ignore internal and external "signals" that would normally keep us in balance with our environment. We grow and reproduce with little to no concern for the "body" (world) we belong to, taking resources from it as our "right", and forming tumors that we call "cities" all over the planet. When time-lapse photos from space of urban growth are analyzed, they exhibit the exact same patterns found in only one other known life form: cancer! (This is very obvious even if you just visually compare urban growth pictures to pictures of cancer tumors.)

But, we refuse to see the obvious truth, because we only see ourselves in the human form, and thus see "value" only in that form.

We think being "alive" means being "human". And we completely fail to see beyond the bubble world of our humanness. This is too bad. Because, if we don't "wake up" from this delusion, if somehow the bubble doesn't burst before it's too late, then there will be another mass extinction, and all "inherently valuable human life" will be lost forever. And life itself will move on without us!

[J.D. March 22, 2017]

 

Death Is No Consequence

In the United States we still kill people as a "punishment". But death, when properly understood (rationally and not emotionally), is not even a consequence, much less a punishment.

Everyone dies sooner or later. And, whether you are alive for ten years, or a hundred years, it makes no difference whatsoever once you are dead. Dead is Dead, and it is only your irrational fear of death that makes it seem like a suiting punishment for really "bad" people, like me.

Of course, I don't think I'm a "bad" person. In fact, I know I'm not a "bad" person. But, the fact that society has labelled me, and people like me, "bad", sheds an interesting and telling light into the mind and psyche of the society we live in and for the vast majority of the people who make up that society.

At its core, the death penalty isn't really about "punishment" at all, and it only pretends to be about justice". But it is easy to see past these "masks of sanity" by simply considering the basic beliefs that are necessary in order to kill anyone. And the most basic of all beliefs necessary in order to take, or advocate taking, another person's life is the belief that your own life is for some reason more valuable than theirs. There is no way around this basic belief if you think you have the "right" to kill, for any reason.

And the reason itself is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if your reason is echoed by a consensus of a hundred million voice in your nation, or just one insane voice in your head. The reason we kill is no more than an excuse for making ourselves feel more important than the person we are killing.

That's why killing in the name of "Justice" is no better than killing in the name of "Revenge", or "Love", or "Lust". These are all false reasons (not really reasons at all, but merely excuses) and hence, false "gods" whose names we invoke in order to justify our feelings and our desires. Humans have been thus sacrificing other humans throughout history for exactly these same "reasons". We recognize the insanity of it through our history, and yet fail to see that we haven't changed one bit. Only the excuses (our "gods") have changed, but the killing continues. And while death is no consequence for the dead, killing has the worst consequences of all for the living, regardless of what gods names we invoke, or excuses we invent. You'd think that if we learned just one thing from the course of human history it would be this one blaring truth.

[J.D. November 28, 2016]

Majority Rule?

When a rapist gets raped in prison, nobody sheds a tear. As a matter of fact, such rape is commonly perceived as a kind of “poetic” or “rough” justice. But, if raping a rapist can be perceived as justice, then how can rape be condemned at all?

If rape is “okay” in any circumstance, then it can be argued that it is “okay” in every circumstance. For example, if it is okay to rape a man who has raped, then it must also be okay to rape the man who rapes a man who has raped. And if you argue that it is only okay to rape a man who has raped an “innocent” victim, then rapists everywhere will rejoice in their claim that their victims were all “sluts” who deserved to be raped, as incidentally – and not coincidentally – many rapists, if not most, already do!

And as these arguments fail, only one justification for rape as a form of justice remains. And that is by some “majority” or “consensus”; i.e. the “will of the people”. And this in fact ends up being the sole justification in most “Western” societies for all forms of justice, from municipal to capital punishment; and, by majority rule, rape as well (when the victim is judged guilty by popular consensus).

But, if the majority rules, then what did Germany do “wrong” in the 30s and early 40s? And what did “the South” do “wrong” before the American Civil War? What about the Mongol Hordes in the 13^th century? Or even ISIS in the 21^st? All of these groups maintained a majority rule within their own ranks. So, if majority rule determines justice, then all the extreme forms of eugenics, slavery, barbarism and religious intolerance, can be rightly declared as legitimate forms of justice! And if these can be seen as just and fair, then why not child rape?

Sadly, as if to mark my point, history has indeed seen child rape ruled “fair and just” by a majority rule in even the most unexpected social consensus, such as in traditional Jewish Law. So my point seems not only arguable, but repeatedly proven by historical precedence. And my point is only this: majority rule does not, and never has, justified rape, or murder, or imprisonment, or even parking fines. Majority rule justifies nothing. And even if it did, then am I not the “majority” when I'm the only one in a room with a gun? Or when me and my friends are the strongest gang in town? Isn't that precisely all any government authority really is? The biggest and strongest “majority” in town?

Of course I'm not presenting anything new here. This is all one of the oldest antiestablishment arguments there is. But, I raise it only because I believe in real justice. Not “higher” justice (that's just another form of majority rule), but “natural” justice, and true justice! And it is this belief that keeps me hanging on, and keeps me blogging. And it was this belief that also caused me to stop raping, and killing, and to stop believing in majority rule, not even my own.

[J.D. September 30, 2016]

The Other Side Of Empathy

Here's something to think about: When you remember what you were doing a moment ago, or a year ago, and recall how you felt doing it, all you are really doing is empathizing with the memory of the experience! The experience, and your memory of it, are no longer “real” in the sense that they are no longer manifested. The person you were no longer exists, and therefore the act of empathizing is no more – and no less - “real” than any empathy you might feel for another person; even if you don't know that person on a personal level.

In other words, the sense we all have of being who wer are, as “persistent” beings, is no more than a construct of our ability to empathize with other people and with our past selves. When we empathize with our past selves, we are in fact empathizing with an “other” person that no longer exists!

Think about it, and think about what it means. A person who lacked the ability to empathize, such as the mythical “sociopath”, would be incapable of simple self-awareness, much less self-centeredness or selfishness! It also strongly implies that our empathy for others is really just another form of self-awareness, or simply “awareness” since the idea of “self” is no longer based on or in reality!

[J.D. September 14, 2016]

The Burning Truth

I have «exposed» things in this blog that I am sure some people wish I hadn't. In particular, my family, and friends, whom I still care deeply about, will most likely be offended. And I have struggled with this from the beginning, debating how much I should and shouldn't «expose», or whether or not to change a few details and circumstances in order to «protect the innocent». But, in the end I have decided that the truth is more important; here's why...

People have been killed, and a lot more people have been irreparably harmed by my actions in the past. But, more importantly, more people are going to be killed and irreparably harmed, including uncountable children, if we don't start acknowledging the truth so we can build the understanding that we need in order to end this insanity.

This blog is and has always been about my most honest and intimate thoughts, memories, dreams, and experiences. Not because I want recognition, or attention, or any sort of perverse twisted pleasure. I only want the truth to be known. Not my interpretation of the truth, or some slanted version meant to express my own views in order to justify my actions in any way. Yes, my «views» are present here, but I have disclaimed them repeatedly throughout as fault, limited, and exclusively mine.

I don't expect anyone to see things the same way I do. I have and do only ask that people read about my views and experiences with an open heart and critical mind, so that the process of understanding why I did what I did, and by extension why people do the kinds of things I did (kidnap, rape, and murder), and by further extension why we harm each other and ourselves so insanely, might be facilitated.

I am certain that my attempt to provide this information as honestly and forthcoming as I have has caused a lot of people great distress. My own blood family shuns me, and I believe they do so at least in part because of my public honesty «exposing» private family matters. Many of my past friends, who are considered successful and upstanding members of society, no doubt rue what I have said, or may say, here in this blog as well. But, the understanding we need, together, to break out of our insanity, together, can only be wrought in the fires of the truth. Partial truths and distorted truths simply do not burn hot enough to soften the social fabrications that support the insanity enough that they might begin to fail to support the delusions that propagate our insanity.

And that's why we blog (by «we» I mean myself, and the few people who put their own personal reputations at great risk for these same reasons). We will never heal if we don't start being more honest, and stop hiding from the truth. So we present the truth here as raw and uncensored as possible (though it is still heavily censored by both prison and other government authorities) so you can decide for yourself what «view» is right for you, according to your own ideology and personal experiences. I believe, for good reason, that even the most objectional and limited views can serve a purpose in the grand scheme, and help reshape our understanding as a society. But only if we let all views into the metaphorical fire I'm talking about. The views that are based on false beliefs and false understanding will burn away soon enough – and a better, stronger, more useful «metal» of understanding will emerge over time. Or, at least that's what I believe.

[J.D. August 20, 2016]

"... the Truth is the only way to change the world ...
All the other processes of slow transformation are always
at a tangent [with real change] (you draw nearer and
nearer but you never arrive)."

Mother of Pondicherry

What's It Like To Be Me?

If you have ever wondered what it is like to be a notorious «serial killer», like me, then let me tell you. It is nothing like anything you can imagine; unless you can imagine what it's like to be a teacher's aide, or industrial consultant, or a drag queen, or a computer programmer/research assistant, or college graduate with numerous academic honors, or even a boy scout. I can tell you it's a lot like being all of these because I have been all of them and much more: a loving son, a caring pet owner, a loyal brother, etc.

Basically, as I have been trying to say all along with this blog, being a «serial killer» or a «sex offender» or even just a «criminal» is just another way to be a human being. We really are more alike than we are different; a lot more than you can imagine, unless you can imagine what it's like to be you!

I can.

Because I am you!

That is essentially the very truth that I realized when I stopped being a «serial killer» and became a fully realized human being for the first time since I was a very young child. It is the truth that Jesus tried to teach, and the truth that will save this world some day. At least, that's what I believe.

I am you, and you are me. So, if you really want to know what it's like to be a «serial killer» you have only to know what it's like to be yourself. Unfortunately, that is something few people ever get to remember.

[J.D. August 19, 2016]

«That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou has sent me.» - Jesus (John 17:21 KJV)

«When you became you, Zen becomes Zen. When you are you, you see things as they are, and you become one with all.» - Zen Master, Shunryu Suzuki

«The killer in you is the killer in me...» - Smashing Pumpkins, «Disarm»