The Gull of a Baby Raper

What is gull? Gull is the sense of power and control that a person gets when they overpower something within themselves that they might otherwise fear. I mean, think about it. Am I right? If I am right, then the key to understanding so-called "pedophiles", or almost any "criminal", is to understand where they get the gull to have sex with children. And to do that, we must take a closer look at the definition of "gull", and try to understand where it comes from, because without gull, nobody would dare harm a child.

It is a well-known and studied fact that very few "sex crimes" are motivated primarily by sexual desire. The real desire the "criminal" responds to in almost every case, even pedophiles, is the desire for power and control. When I was on the Riverside Sheriff's turbo-prop being transported from California back to Federal custody (death row) in Indiana, the deputies flying me engaged me in a long conversation over the plane's intercom system. They used the intercom (headphones and speakers) so they could hear and covertly record everything I said. And I knew they were recording; it was only obvious, but I didn't care. What bothered me more was that they didn't listen to what I was telling them. They only heard what they wanted to hear, and ignored the rest. They ignored the main point of what I took more than two hours trying to tell them: where I got the gull to kidnap, rape, and kill children.

All they heard was me telling them that I enjoyed raping babies (under a year old). I know that's all they heard because that was the only part that got played in court from the tape they made at my "competency" hearing several months later. But that wasn't what I told them at all. I told them that I have had fantasies of raping infants since my arrest. But, I emphasized over and over that the only reason I had these fantasies was because they gave me a sense of power and control, not over the child, but over society, and over the system, who "dared me" to have such fantasies by accusing me and shaming me for doing so.

I was attempting to explain to the deputies how our culture creates the necessary social structure and motivations that give a "rapist" like me the gull to do (and/or fantasize) what they do. I got "power" and control" over the fear of shame that the deputies themselves actively invoked with their "disgust" and "hate" for what I did (and/or fantasized). I told them that the only reason I fantasized about raping small babies after my arrest was because it gave me a sense of power and control over the fear that they themselves wanted me to feel, and spent their careers trying to make people like me feel, because they thought they could control people like me by using fear. That's the very premise of our Western "criminal justice" system: make criminals fear getting caught so they won't commit crimes.

But, the only thing fear does is create a desire, and indeed a "need", to overcome the object/source of the fear. It creates the need for gull. And it neatly divides society into two "classes": those who invoke fear (the "bullies") and those who resist it (the "criminals").

Of course nobody is a pure "bully" or pure "criminal". This dynamic interplays in all sorts of ways on all sorts of levels. My fantasies of raping small babies was just a natural reaction to the unique circumstances that my arrest and consequent "legal proceedings" created for me. I was predisposed to these fantasies, as a means of overcoming the fear of shame and humiliation invoked by our "system", because I had clearly resorted to similar gull already (by raping young children) as a means of obtaining power and control over my fear, the very fear that "society" sought to control me with. But the rapes, which I thought gave me control over the source of my fear, only created fear within other people, that they in turn sought to gain control over by invoking yet more fear and hatred. It is a cycle of fear and ignorance that serves only to exacerbate the very circumstances that both sides are trying desperately to alleviate.

That means that the gull of a baby raper essentially (and critically to the understanding necessary in order for us to break free from the cycle, as I tried to do by refusing to kill my last victim and turn myself in) comes from the same place the gull of the police, prosecutors, judges, correctional officers, etc. comes from. It comes from our need to gain power and control over what we fear. Take away the fear, and the gull vanishes with it.

I have no sexual desires for babies at all. And I freely admit, without shame (I refuse to be ashamed of something I know to be natural), that young children are very "sexy". Anthropologists theorize that human children are "sexy" in order to solicit care and protection from adults that might otherwise abandon them. This theory actually explains a lot, including our current cultural hyper-revulsion to child-sex, which is a classic "guilt reaction" to otherwise completely natural feelings, like the sexual attraction between grown people of the same sex (so-called "homosexuality"). But my baby-rape fantasies are not "natural" in the sense that they serve no functional purpose other than creating an illusion (or delusion) of power and control over the fear that others imagine give them power and control over me. The truth is that we can never control anything or anyone but ourselves with fear. Fear creates an illusion of control over others, but like my baby rape fantasies, it is never more than an illusion (or delusion) of control.

So what do you hear? Do you hear some "sicko" admitting that he likes to rape babies? Or do you hear a sorely wounded and beaten man pleading for the madness to end? What you hear will determine our future, and the future of numerous "innocent" children.. So listen carefully, and hear wisely!

[J.D. May 6, 2017]

Notes: Just in case it is not clear above, I should note that my "baby rape" fantasy was not a consciously invoked fantasy that I engaged for the conscious purpose of "power and control" over my fear. Instead it was a fantasy that seemed to "appear" on its own accord, as most of my fantasies do, especially lately as I have given up all attempts to control my fantasies at all. My fantasies live and breathe all on their own. While I can exercise short-term "immediate" control over them --- as anyone can --- over time, they always have their way, so I don't bother with trying to control them anymore, instead I simply try to understand them; which is what this blog post is about --- understanding, not controlling. True "control" comes through understanding, and understanding alone; the illusion of control comes from trying to control something without understanding, such as by using fear, or force. That's why the "Criminal Justice" system will never work --- much to the joy of those who profit off of it (who are the same people who make the laws and promote the fear and ignorance based "solution" - as unconsciously as I promote my own "baby rape" fantasies, but for the exact same reasons: It gives them a false sense of power and control over the perceived source of their fear 😰).