Me After All

I have attempted to say this before, but I have yet to be satisfied with my words; as usual. So, I will try it again and hope I can be at least a little more clear.

The reason I stopped murdering and raping to get revenge on what I perceived to be (and still perceive to be) a morally corrupt social system, was not because I realized that what I was doing was wrong. It was because I realized that what I was doing was pointless, and futile.

I wanted revenge before I had this "epiphany" (as it has been dubbed in recent court proceedings concerning my crimes, and the reason I stopped killing even though I could have easily continued). But something made me change my mind. I no longer wanted revenge, or forgiveness. In fact, I suddenly no longer wanted anything at all, except for the Truth to be known.

But, unlike most who want the "Truth" to be known, I realized that it was not a truth that only I knew, or one that I had to convey somehow. Instead, I realized to the core of my being that The Living Truth - as I have since often referred to it - can, and does, reveal itself to everyone, at all times.

In other words, I realized that the Truth was infinitely greater than me, my life, or anything I could possibly think, much less convey with words. I also realized that my entire life's experience was only an infinitesimally small part of that greater Truth. And yet, as a part, my life was no less, and no more important than anyone else's life. Suddenly, the naked little girl standing in front of me, whose skull I was about to crush with a large rock that I was holding over my head in preparation for the killing blow when this "epiphany" came to me... suddenly her life was equal to my own, even superior in certain ways.

But, not equal in the mathematical sense. Her life, and my life, were equal in the absolute sense. I suddenly saw, or realized, that she and I were one and the same in the "eyes" of the infinite Truth. That is why what I was doing - killing her to "send a message" to those who had so injustly hurt me when I was yet just a child (i.e. society) - became a pointless and futile jest. I could no longer send my "message" because I could now see through this understanding - through "the eyes of the child before me" (Shasta, as I have oft poetically claimed) - that the intended recipient of my "message" was ultimately me!

I saw not only that I and Shasta were one, but that we are all One. So killing her in order to hurt society no longer made any sense to me at all. And killing me now, in the name of justice, makes no sense to me either. I can see how it makes sense to someone who cannot see the Oneness, though. And that's why I don't blame them for wanting to kill me. They are me after all! And the message they are trying to send is for their own ears to hear someday, hopefully.

The System's Dilemma, As I See It

During the competency hearing last month some twelve or so doctors testified on the question of my sanity. All of them, both for the defense (who claimed I was insane) and for the government (who claimed i was sane), concluded that I was not malingering (faking symptoms or being dishonest), and all of them also agreed that all of my decisions, both legal and otherwise, were inextricably intertwined with and based upon, my unique belief system. But the defense doctors said my belief system was psychotic and delusional, while the government doctors all claimed it was idiosyncratic, but perfectly rational.

While my full "belief system", as they call it, is complex and admittedly difficult for me to articulate, there are certain aspects of it that clearly and directly effect the so-called "choices" I have made in regard to my case, and hense directly relate to the question of my so-called "legal competence". For example, the decision to represent myself and and to waive the appeal of the several death sentences ordered against me.

Unlike most defendants who make such choices, I did not imagine that I could do a better job representing myself than my attorneys, nor did I desire to die, or otherwise seek some personal objective in any regard. I only wanted to "let the Truth speak for itself" and not "interfere with the process". It was consequently this Truth - with a capital "T" - as I see it, that became a focal point of the competency hearing.

The question the court must answer is: Is Mr Duncan's understanding of "the Truth" delusional or rational? And therein lies the Systems dilemma. If my understanding of "the Truth" is rational (which a finding of competence would assert) then it is rational to view the System as "an evil entity with an intelligence and will of its own" that cannot be "outsmarted on its own terms" and can only be overcome by submission to an even higher "intelligence" which I incountered directly "on the mountain" just hours before I turned myself in. This was the "epiphany" that I have often spoken of since my arrest in 2005, which also became a major focus of the competency hearing.

Was my "epiphany" a rational choice, or a psychotic event? If the court decides that it was rational, then it also admits that the System itself can be rationally perceived as "evil". And if the system can be rationally perceived as evil, then shouldn't we be questioning the system's competence, instead of mine?

I can only hope that the significance and importance of this question, as derived above, is realized by those who would pretend to judge. It is a question that strikes at the lying heart of the System, and has the potential, if asked and answered honestly, of exposing the true nature of the Beast, and bringing about a revolution in the way we all think about ourselves, and our roles in this world. And that is what my "belief system" is all about!

The Color of your Soul

A person cannot change their psychological makeup any easier than they can change the color of their hair or skin. They can dye their hair, and tattoo their skin, but that doesn't change the nature of these things any more than behavior therapy or changing a habit changes the nature of the person.

So to judge someone for the way they think, ie. the color of their soul, is no better than judging them for the color of their skin, or other physical attribute. In many ways it is the ultimate form of prejudice, and incidentally one that literally defines most religious institutions and that causes most of the misery in this world.

I'm Baaaack!

I'm back on Federal death row in the Terre Haute, Indiana US Penitentiary. I was gone for about ten months for the court ordered "retrospective" competency hearing in Boise, Idaho. Because of all the moving around for the hearing, not to mention apparent interference by BOP authorities, I have not been able to make updates to this blog as often as I would have liked. But, now that I'm back in Terre Haute I hope to be able to continue posting and improving this blog.

Am I A Nut?

My lawyers claim that I'm psychotically delusional. The government says I'm not. I think they're both right and wrong at the same time. There is definitely something seriously wrong with the way I think, perhaps even psychotic (whatever that means). It was only because I realized this that I was able to turn myself in and stop killing.

But I also think that most people suffer from the exact same "sickness" that I do; except that it manifests itself in different (i.e. more "socially acceptable") forms.

For example, I thought that I had the right to rape and kill because of tremendous pain and loss that I suffered when I was virtually a child and as a direct result of the systematic betrayal I experienced as a trusting teen. And, of course, "society" (most other people) see ME as the "betrayer", and they think THEY have the right to persecute and kill me because of the pain and loss I caused.

Just as I once completely ignored or minimized my own role in causing the pain and suffering I experienced, so "society" (in general) now completely ignores and minimizes its role in the carnage that has been (and is still being) wrought. In both cases the roles we played (society and myself) were directly responsible for the "evil" that ensued. So, we are both (all) directly responsible for what I did, but no one is to blame!

That's what I realized the night before I turned myself in. I realized that I was wrong to blame society, or anyone, even myself, for what I was doing (or had done). This realization opened the way for the greater realization I had the next day that caused me to throw down the rock I was about to kill eight year old Shasta with, take her home (back to Cour d'Alene, Idaho), and turn myself in. But, I didn't actually think, "I'm wrong". I actually thought, "There's something wrong with me". In a sense, I realized I was a nut.

So, when this so-called competency hearing began, I told my attorneys this. I've known I'm a nut since I turned myself in. But I also think we are all nuts. So, it seems pretty nutty to me that a bunch of nuts are calling me a nut. And even nuttier still that a bunch of nuts are claiming that I'm not a nut.

Reflections of my Reality

Unlike a crusader (religious, commercial, political or otherwise) I have no truth for sale here; only experiences, views, memories and dreams, none of which are intended to express anything but my own personal relationship with the truth and with reality.

The Fifth Nail blogs are essentially works of art. They "expose" the inner me, as a reflection of the world I live in. Like any artist, my hope is that others might find some reflection of themselves here. Perhaps my words seem ugly to you; perhaps beautiful. Either way, they speak of you more than they do of me. If you keep this in mind as you explore this gallery of personal reflections then you might be surprised by what you find.

(P.S. I do not fancy myself an artist except in the sense that we are all artist. I have no professional ambitions, or even any unusual talent in this regard. All I have is the desire and means to express myself, nothing more.)

Faith Alone

„Faith alone will save our souls”, so say the Bible. But „faith alone” does not mean faith in one particular belief of other.

Faith alone means just that; faith, all by itself. We do not need to have „faith in Christ” or „faith in the Bible” in order to know the saving grace of „God”. In fact, having faith in anything that you can define, or even just imagine, is what the Bible warns us not to do, over and over.

This is called idol worship. Any time that you put your faith in something imagined, which can be (and usually is) an intellectual construct sometimes represented by a physical form (e.g. golden calf), then you are idol worshipping. It does not matter if the image you are worshipping has a physical form or not, if it is an idea, then it is an image, and it is a „false god.”

Now, I'm not saying „faith in God” or even „faith in Christ” is always a form of idol worship. As long as „God” or „Christ” are not imagined to be something ( i. e. a man from Nazareth, or an „old man in heaven”) then you have the kind of faith that saves. That is, formless or imageless faith, which is faith alone.

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III - September 12, 2010 – 2 pm)