Am I A Nut?

My lawyers claim that I'm psychotically delusional. The government says I'm not. I think they're both right and wrong at the same time. There is definitely something seriously wrong with the way I think, perhaps even psychotic (whatever that means). It was only because I realized this that I was able to turn myself in and stop killing.

But I also think that most people suffer from the exact same "sickness" that I do; except that it manifests itself in different (i.e. more "socially acceptable") forms.

For example, I thought that I had the right to rape and kill because of tremendous pain and loss that I suffered when I was virtually a child and as a direct result of the systematic betrayal I experienced as a trusting teen. And, of course, "society" (most other people) see ME as the "betrayer", and they think THEY have the right to persecute and kill me because of the pain and loss I caused.

Just as I once completely ignored or minimized my own role in causing the pain and suffering I experienced, so "society" (in general) now completely ignores and minimizes its role in the carnage that has been (and is still being) wrought. In both cases the roles we played (society and myself) were directly responsible for the "evil" that ensued. So, we are both (all) directly responsible for what I did, but no one is to blame!

That's what I realized the night before I turned myself in. I realized that I was wrong to blame society, or anyone, even myself, for what I was doing (or had done). This realization opened the way for the greater realization I had the next day that caused me to throw down the rock I was about to kill eight year old Shasta with, take her home (back to Cour d'Alene, Idaho), and turn myself in. But, I didn't actually think, "I'm wrong". I actually thought, "There's something wrong with me". In a sense, I realized I was a nut.

So, when this so-called competency hearing began, I told my attorneys this. I've known I'm a nut since I turned myself in. But I also think we are all nuts. So, it seems pretty nutty to me that a bunch of nuts are calling me a nut. And even nuttier still that a bunch of nuts are claiming that I'm not a nut.