Me After All

I have attempted to say this before, but I have yet to be satisfied with my words; as usual. So, I will try it again and hope I can be at least a little more clear.

The reason I stopped murdering and raping to get revenge on what I perceived to be (and still perceive to be) a morally corrupt social system, was not because I realized that what I was doing was wrong. It was because I realized that what I was doing was pointless, and futile.

I wanted revenge before I had this "epiphany" (as it has been dubbed in recent court proceedings concerning my crimes, and the reason I stopped killing even though I could have easily continued). But something made me change my mind. I no longer wanted revenge, or forgiveness. In fact, I suddenly no longer wanted anything at all, except for the Truth to be known.

But, unlike most who want the "Truth" to be known, I realized that it was not a truth that only I knew, or one that I had to convey somehow. Instead, I realized to the core of my being that The Living Truth - as I have since often referred to it - can, and does, reveal itself to everyone, at all times.

In other words, I realized that the Truth was infinitely greater than me, my life, or anything I could possibly think, much less convey with words. I also realized that my entire life's experience was only an infinitesimally small part of that greater Truth. And yet, as a part, my life was no less, and no more important than anyone else's life. Suddenly, the naked little girl standing in front of me, whose skull I was about to crush with a large rock that I was holding over my head in preparation for the killing blow when this "epiphany" came to me... suddenly her life was equal to my own, even superior in certain ways.

But, not equal in the mathematical sense. Her life, and my life, were equal in the absolute sense. I suddenly saw, or realized, that she and I were one and the same in the "eyes" of the infinite Truth. That is why what I was doing - killing her to "send a message" to those who had so injustly hurt me when I was yet just a child (i.e. society) - became a pointless and futile jest. I could no longer send my "message" because I could now see through this understanding - through "the eyes of the child before me" (Shasta, as I have oft poetically claimed) - that the intended recipient of my "message" was ultimately me!

I saw not only that I and Shasta were one, but that we are all One. So killing her in order to hurt society no longer made any sense to me at all. And killing me now, in the name of justice, makes no sense to me either. I can see how it makes sense to someone who cannot see the Oneness, though. And that's why I don't blame them for wanting to kill me. They are me after all! And the message they are trying to send is for their own ears to hear someday, hopefully.