Brain Surgery Aftermath

Part 1: Brain Surgery Aftermath

So, a couple of weeks ago I let some brain surgeons cut a three-inch hole in my skull so they could reduce the mass of a fist-sized tumor that was killing me. They told me even before the surgery that the tumor will most likely grow back, and kill me anyway. The point of the surgery and any follow-up treatment (like, chemo-therapy, and radiation-therapy) would be simply to slow it down, and hopefully slow down the debilitating effects of the tumor as well.

So, I refused the chemo and radiation "therapies", because I saw no advantage in slowing it down, if doing so meant only that I have to be 80% paralyzed on my left side longer, and whatever other maladies (debilitating consequences) the tumor has in store for me down the road (three to six months from now I could lose the ability to speak, eat, or even crap without needing a diaper change (man, that really "hurt" to write that, and I'm sure it will "hurt" even more if and when it happens).

It's sinking in slowly, just how much worse it can (and likely will) get. The worst part isn't shitting my pants (which thankfully I haven't done yet, not being able to feel or use my left hand (thank God I still have nearly 100% use of my right hand (my writing hand!). The worst part, and what I dread the most, is losing my ability to think clearly, and solve simple problems, like just covering myself with a blanket to get warm so I can sleep. I never thought of such things as a "skill" before. But, not being able to do such simple tasks, without getting confused and frustrated, has changed my perspective on what a "skill" even is. 

Part 2: How It All Fits (Understanding, Love, Judgment, Hate, etc.)

Love is understanding.

Understanding is the absence of judgment (i.e. forgiveness, which is also love, proper).

Faith is the absence of fear (and vice versa). Fear prevents understanding, and thereby is the enemy of love.

Hate is a form of ignorance, which then is a lack of understanding accompanied by fear - find the fear, confront it, and then understanding will arise. This is the simplest form of a miracle (a.k.a. "healing").

Innocence is the ability to understand without judgment (i.e. recognized by a complete absence of fear).

Ignorance is a form of false understanding that twists the mind's ability to perceive and understand anything (i.e. ignorance is insanity, which is also judgment without understanding). There can be no judgment with understanding (if you read the above carefully, with understanding (i.e. without judgment), this impossibility will be self-evident.

Judgment invokes fear, and hatred.

Understanding invokes faith, and love.

Understanding is the comprehension that occurs when we see the connection, and/or relationships between two or more principles. It's really very simple, once you see the relationships/connections, i.e. once you understand.

Part 3: P.S. They're watching me now

I can't even articulate how I know they're watching me; I just do. And I know why, even though I can't tell you that either. If I said (wrote) the reason then they'd just change it. They change the reasons for what they do all the time --- that's why they say "the reasons" don't matter in the end, only the consequence matters.

I agree that the reasons don't matter. They never do. Reasons are never more than a form of judgment that catch up with us in the end.

[J.D. Nov 5. 2020]