These are some of the things I wish I had known when...
... I was 13, and ran away from home: How incredibly easy it would have been to get grown men to happily give me their money just by dropping my pants.
... I was 16, and confused about sex: How confused everyone else was too, especially "grown-ups".
... I was 17, and getting "treatment" at the state "Sexual Psychopath Treatment Program": How little the state knew, and what its real motives were (i.e. power and control, not helping me get better).
... I was 19, and getting raped in prison: That there is no reason to be ashamed of having sex with other men, or getting raped.
... I was 25, and coming out as a prison queen: How to enjoy safe clean anal violation for hours on end with no worry about "accidents". I could have had so much more fun!
... I was 32, and getting out of prison for the first time: That I was a survivor, not a victim; then maybe I wouldn't have wanted "justice" (i.e. revenge) so bad.
... I was 38, and getting out of prison for the last time: That I didn't have to live in fear of the law; it was that fear that eventually drove me over the edge of sanity and sent me on my rampage against society (i.e. killing a family in their own home and kidnapping the youngest children for sex).
... when I was 42, and on my rampage against society: That it was me I was afraid of and angry at, not society.
... now, as I write this: I wish I knew what the world will be like when no one is afraid and angry any more. I can imagine it, and that alone is enough to give me hope. But, if only I really knew...
[J.D. 12-26-2013]
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