Death Is No Consequence

In the United States we still kill people as a "punishment". But death, when properly understood (rationally and not emotionally), is not even a consequence, much less a punishment.

Everyone dies sooner or later. And, whether you are alive for ten years, or a hundred years, it makes no difference whatsoever once you are dead. Dead is Dead, and it is only your irrational fear of death that makes it seem like a suiting punishment for really "bad" people, like me.

Of course, I don't think I'm a "bad" person. In fact, I know I'm not a "bad" person. But, the fact that society has labelled me, and people like me, "bad", sheds an interesting and telling light into the mind and psyche of the society we live in and for the vast majority of the people who make up that society.

At its core, the death penalty isn't really about "punishment" at all, and it only pretends to be about justice". But it is easy to see past these "masks of sanity" by simply considering the basic beliefs that are necessary in order to kill anyone. And the most basic of all beliefs necessary in order to take, or advocate taking, another person's life is the belief that your own life is for some reason more valuable than theirs. There is no way around this basic belief if you think you have the "right" to kill, for any reason.

And the reason itself is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if your reason is echoed by a consensus of a hundred million voice in your nation, or just one insane voice in your head. The reason we kill is no more than an excuse for making ourselves feel more important than the person we are killing.

That's why killing in the name of "Justice" is no better than killing in the name of "Revenge", or "Love", or "Lust". These are all false reasons (not really reasons at all, but merely excuses) and hence, false "gods" whose names we invoke in order to justify our feelings and our desires. Humans have been thus sacrificing other humans throughout history for exactly these same "reasons". We recognize the insanity of it through our history, and yet fail to see that we haven't changed one bit. Only the excuses (our "gods") have changed, but the killing continues. And while death is no consequence for the dead, killing has the worst consequences of all for the living, regardless of what gods names we invoke, or excuses we invent. You'd think that if we learned just one thing from the course of human history it would be this one blaring truth.

[J.D. November 28, 2016]

Majority Rule?

When a rapist gets raped in prison, nobody sheds a tear. As a matter of fact, such rape is commonly perceived as a kind of “poetic” or “rough” justice. But, if raping a rapist can be perceived as justice, then how can rape be condemned at all?

If rape is “okay” in any circumstance, then it can be argued that it is “okay” in every circumstance. For example, if it is okay to rape a man who has raped, then it must also be okay to rape the man who rapes a man who has raped. And if you argue that it is only okay to rape a man who has raped an “innocent” victim, then rapists everywhere will rejoice in their claim that their victims were all “sluts” who deserved to be raped, as incidentally – and not coincidentally – many rapists, if not most, already do!

And as these arguments fail, only one justification for rape as a form of justice remains. And that is by some “majority” or “consensus”; i.e. the “will of the people”. And this in fact ends up being the sole justification in most “Western” societies for all forms of justice, from municipal to capital punishment; and, by majority rule, rape as well (when the victim is judged guilty by popular consensus).

But, if the majority rules, then what did Germany do “wrong” in the 30s and early 40s? And what did “the South” do “wrong” before the American Civil War? What about the Mongol Hordes in the 13^th century? Or even ISIS in the 21^st? All of these groups maintained a majority rule within their own ranks. So, if majority rule determines justice, then all the extreme forms of eugenics, slavery, barbarism and religious intolerance, can be rightly declared as legitimate forms of justice! And if these can be seen as just and fair, then why not child rape?

Sadly, as if to mark my point, history has indeed seen child rape ruled “fair and just” by a majority rule in even the most unexpected social consensus, such as in traditional Jewish Law. So my point seems not only arguable, but repeatedly proven by historical precedence. And my point is only this: majority rule does not, and never has, justified rape, or murder, or imprisonment, or even parking fines. Majority rule justifies nothing. And even if it did, then am I not the “majority” when I'm the only one in a room with a gun? Or when me and my friends are the strongest gang in town? Isn't that precisely all any government authority really is? The biggest and strongest “majority” in town?

Of course I'm not presenting anything new here. This is all one of the oldest antiestablishment arguments there is. But, I raise it only because I believe in real justice. Not “higher” justice (that's just another form of majority rule), but “natural” justice, and true justice! And it is this belief that keeps me hanging on, and keeps me blogging. And it was this belief that also caused me to stop raping, and killing, and to stop believing in majority rule, not even my own.

[J.D. September 30, 2016]

The Other Side Of Empathy

Here's something to think about: When you remember what you were doing a moment ago, or a year ago, and recall how you felt doing it, all you are really doing is empathizing with the memory of the experience! The experience, and your memory of it, are no longer “real” in the sense that they are no longer manifested. The person you were no longer exists, and therefore the act of empathizing is no more – and no less - “real” than any empathy you might feel for another person; even if you don't know that person on a personal level.

In other words, the sense we all have of being who wer are, as “persistent” beings, is no more than a construct of our ability to empathize with other people and with our past selves. When we empathize with our past selves, we are in fact empathizing with an “other” person that no longer exists!

Think about it, and think about what it means. A person who lacked the ability to empathize, such as the mythical “sociopath”, would be incapable of simple self-awareness, much less self-centeredness or selfishness! It also strongly implies that our empathy for others is really just another form of self-awareness, or simply “awareness” since the idea of “self” is no longer based on or in reality!

[J.D. September 14, 2016]

The Burning Truth

I have «exposed» things in this blog that I am sure some people wish I hadn't. In particular, my family, and friends, whom I still care deeply about, will most likely be offended. And I have struggled with this from the beginning, debating how much I should and shouldn't «expose», or whether or not to change a few details and circumstances in order to «protect the innocent». But, in the end I have decided that the truth is more important; here's why...

People have been killed, and a lot more people have been irreparably harmed by my actions in the past. But, more importantly, more people are going to be killed and irreparably harmed, including uncountable children, if we don't start acknowledging the truth so we can build the understanding that we need in order to end this insanity.

This blog is and has always been about my most honest and intimate thoughts, memories, dreams, and experiences. Not because I want recognition, or attention, or any sort of perverse twisted pleasure. I only want the truth to be known. Not my interpretation of the truth, or some slanted version meant to express my own views in order to justify my actions in any way. Yes, my «views» are present here, but I have disclaimed them repeatedly throughout as fault, limited, and exclusively mine.

I don't expect anyone to see things the same way I do. I have and do only ask that people read about my views and experiences with an open heart and critical mind, so that the process of understanding why I did what I did, and by extension why people do the kinds of things I did (kidnap, rape, and murder), and by further extension why we harm each other and ourselves so insanely, might be facilitated.

I am certain that my attempt to provide this information as honestly and forthcoming as I have has caused a lot of people great distress. My own blood family shuns me, and I believe they do so at least in part because of my public honesty «exposing» private family matters. Many of my past friends, who are considered successful and upstanding members of society, no doubt rue what I have said, or may say, here in this blog as well. But, the understanding we need, together, to break out of our insanity, together, can only be wrought in the fires of the truth. Partial truths and distorted truths simply do not burn hot enough to soften the social fabrications that support the insanity enough that they might begin to fail to support the delusions that propagate our insanity.

And that's why we blog (by «we» I mean myself, and the few people who put their own personal reputations at great risk for these same reasons). We will never heal if we don't start being more honest, and stop hiding from the truth. So we present the truth here as raw and uncensored as possible (though it is still heavily censored by both prison and other government authorities) so you can decide for yourself what «view» is right for you, according to your own ideology and personal experiences. I believe, for good reason, that even the most objectional and limited views can serve a purpose in the grand scheme, and help reshape our understanding as a society. But only if we let all views into the metaphorical fire I'm talking about. The views that are based on false beliefs and false understanding will burn away soon enough – and a better, stronger, more useful «metal» of understanding will emerge over time. Or, at least that's what I believe.

[J.D. August 20, 2016]

"... the Truth is the only way to change the world ...
All the other processes of slow transformation are always
at a tangent [with real change] (you draw nearer and
nearer but you never arrive)."

Mother of Pondicherry

What's It Like To Be Me?

If you have ever wondered what it is like to be a notorious «serial killer», like me, then let me tell you. It is nothing like anything you can imagine; unless you can imagine what it's like to be a teacher's aide, or industrial consultant, or a drag queen, or a computer programmer/research assistant, or college graduate with numerous academic honors, or even a boy scout. I can tell you it's a lot like being all of these because I have been all of them and much more: a loving son, a caring pet owner, a loyal brother, etc.

Basically, as I have been trying to say all along with this blog, being a «serial killer» or a «sex offender» or even just a «criminal» is just another way to be a human being. We really are more alike than we are different; a lot more than you can imagine, unless you can imagine what it's like to be you!

I can.

Because I am you!

That is essentially the very truth that I realized when I stopped being a «serial killer» and became a fully realized human being for the first time since I was a very young child. It is the truth that Jesus tried to teach, and the truth that will save this world some day. At least, that's what I believe.

I am you, and you are me. So, if you really want to know what it's like to be a «serial killer» you have only to know what it's like to be yourself. Unfortunately, that is something few people ever get to remember.

[J.D. August 19, 2016]

«That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou has sent me.» - Jesus (John 17:21 KJV)

«When you became you, Zen becomes Zen. When you are you, you see things as they are, and you become one with all.» - Zen Master, Shunryu Suzuki

«The killer in you is the killer in me...» - Smashing Pumpkins, «Disarm»

Nothing Is Personal

When I was in that mountain wilderness alone with eight-year-old Shasta ready to kill her in order to further my vengeance upon the child-worshipping zealots who took so much away from me in the name of their false gods, and I suddenly had an incredible epiphany that caused me to pick the child up and carry her home instead, I knew that I had realized something important; something that could even change the world gloriously and forever if more people could only come to realize the same thing. It was a profoundly emotional realization, that took a tremendous personal sacrifice to accept. I had to abandon everything I thought I knew about myself, and about my world of experience. Essentially I had to abandon my entire “reality”, and stop believing in the illusion that had been presented to me and forced upon me so violently all my life; because in the face of the Living Truth (as I came to call it, but have since learned that It has been called many things all throughout history; put simply, it is the “One Being” that animates all “beings”, a.k.a. the Christ, a.k.a. Buddha, a.k.a. Krishna, etc.) that became my new “reality” that day.

I was “reborn” into a new way of experiencing life that made the old way no longer important to me. Suddenly vengeance, and pleasure, and even survival didn't matter anymore. Only the truth mattered; the “Living Truth”, and I have been diligently and consistently honoring this “truth” ever since (which the “official” records clearly show, since even the witnesses, head-shrinks and investigators for the prosecution in all jurisdictions have testified that I have been “extremely honest” and forthcoming even at my own detriment; and my own “defense” attorneys have claimed that my honesty is a sign of some “mental illness” --- though I don't think they themselves would put it in so many words, it is essentialy what they are claiming in my “defense” --- they say I am “crazy” because I lack personal self-interest).

I have since struggled to put this “epiphany” into words, but have come to realize that I'm not the only one. It is an epiphany that has defned the foundation of numerous systems of philosophy and world religions. It is the Ineffable Truth that so many have tried (and failed) to express throughout history using every medium imaginable: words, art, music, violence, kindness, magic, myth, and many others.

I say they have “failed”, and yet they have not. Because even though this “Living Truth” can never be imposed upon anyone by any means, it can be realized by everyone at any time. And once it has been realized, once all the illusions have been sacrificed and the one living Truth is permitted to arise, then suddenly all the words and art and music and violence and kindness and magic and myth and all the rest that was meant to express it suddenly does! And we become able to talk, sing, and otherwise communicate with each other about the Greater Reality that binds us all and allows us to see beyond such illusions as death itself.

That all being said, and which I have said before, I have recently come to realize that there is a way that I can express my “epiphany” that is simple, yet complete at the same time. I actually tried to say it like this from the very beginning, when I picked Shasta up and carried in my arms over a half mile back to the Jeep so I could drive her home. I was crying profusely, and blubbering these words over and over...

“It's not about me anymore... It's not about me!” I also interjected, “I'm not afraid anymore.” But, mostly I kept saying, “It's not about me!”

That was the best I could do at the time to sum up what I had suddenly realized. But, now I think I might be able to put it a little more concisely than that. In a nutshell, all I have been trying to say ever since that moment is that life isn't personal! It's not about US as individuals, or even US as a species. It's not about anything you can see, touch, taste, or feel physically, emotionally, or intellectually. It's all about everything and everyone, all at once! Every person, every animal, every insect is just as important as any other. If a single molecule were to suddenly to cease being precisely what it was then the entire universe would cease being right along with it. You would no longer exist, and neighter would anything you ever loved, or hated. It's simply not about you, or me, or anyone or anything.

Life isn't personal
Nor should it ever be
This is the “epiphany”
That has set me free

J.D. July 9, 2016

P.S. I should note that my “epiphany” does not change anything “personal” about me. It only allows me to see my “personal” experience as a part of something infinite; and thus, far greater than myself (personally). It also does not keep me from continuing to have and appreciate personal experiences. But, it does allow me to put those experiences into a grander perspective, that in turn gives my personal experiences a much deeper meaning. Yes, nothing is personal; but, that doesn't mean I am nothing as a person. What it means is that I am infinitely more than I ever before imagined. And that changes everything!

The Real Cause of Crime

There is a remarkable fact that sociologists and psychologists have been studying for years and yet can't seem to fully appreciate its significance. The fact that no matter how much abuse, hardship, and emotional trauma that a person experiences – especially children – they can and will recover fully and live happy “productive” lives, but only so long as they have direct and meaningful (sincere) support from the people around them. And, conversely, even the most mild and insignificant emotional discomfort can and usually does lead to a self-destructive and dysfunctional lifestyle when a person has no real emotional support.

Of course I'm only stating this fact in simple layman's terms here in order to make it a bit more relevant to our blog; but it is a well-studied phenomenon that provides cues that could lead us to a far better world if only we were more willing as a society to accept the fact that “the harm one person can do to society is far less than the harm society can do to one person” (paraphrasing Michel Foucault).

In the present world society tends to shift blame for social problems onto groups and individuals within itself. The criminal is the cause of crime, and the terrorist the cause of terrorism. But, as numerous studies have consistently shown, not to mention history itself, criminals are invariably the product of social circumstances, and terrorism the inevitable result of greedy government policies.

The “real” problem, as I see it, is that we can't force people to care genuinely about each other. Any and all attempts to do so – i.e. attempts to “control” other people's behavior – invariably results in only more chaos and confusion.

So what should we do? I say there is only one thing we CAN do: Love, and be patient. This requires us to look within ourselves for the “answers” to the crime and terror we see around us. It requires us to stop trying to control other people and stop imposing our ideas (of “justice”, for example) onto others. It also requires that we have faith in humanity, and that we come to realize that inhumanity is born in our own ignorance, not the ignorance of others (i.e. their ignorance is a reflection of our own, without exception!)

[J.D. August 2, 2016]

“What is happening inside a cancer cell cannot be fully understood without considering its place within an intricate communications network [community?] of other cells.” - George Johnson, The Cancer Chronicles

P.S. I include this quote because it seems to reflect the ontological connection that all truth has throughout nature; it is one way we might know the truth when we see it.

Escaping The Gaudy Life

I live my life these days in the same sense that I experience a mountain, or enjoy the night sky. I do not see it as something that belongs to me. But, it is something I can explore, and attempt to understand.

I suspect that people who think of life as something they “have” and are “responsible for”, are seriously missing the point, not to mention any chance at ever grasping the “real” meaning (or any meaning that is real, and not superfcial such as the kind of meaningless high-sounding rubbish that comes out of a preacher’s mouth). These are the ones who always want more; more pleasure, more money, more power, and more time. In fact, their idea of paradise is an infinite amount of all these things, especially time (i.e. “eternal life”).

I was once like that. I lived the gaudy life; always wanting what I didn’t have and never truly appreciating what I did. I thought beauty was something that had to give me pleasure. But now I know, the most beautiful moments in my life were also the most painful (they don’t have to be, but mine were). I once sought to “decorate” my life with all the superficial, and cheap, trappings that are given such high value as “success” markers in our culture; a college degree, a decent car, apartment, clothes, sporting gear, skiing trips, holiday vacations with family and friends, etc... etc... Instead of paying attention to my life more, and trying to “make something of it” less, I did what most people do; precisely because it was what most people do.

I made my life gaudy; full of cheap meaningless things that only distracted me from the really important lessons that had been waiting for me all my life to understand. Once I had tossed everything that I thought had meaning to me aside, then the lessons came rushing in, and the real meaning became as plain as day.

I have been trying to express this “real meaning” ever since. But, I have come to understand that it can not be expressed with words any more than anything else that is “real”, the moon, the sun, a mountain, the night sky, or love. It is there, and it is as real... even more real... than any of the above, and all the more ineffable. It is WHO I am, not WHAT.

So I no longer worry about making my life “pretty” the way primitives do with their bodies. I no longer make my life gaudy. Instead I enjoy and appreciate the simplest things in ways that bring me more genuine pleasure than my “prettiest” possessions and experiences did in the past. I have met a pretty girl through the mail. And through the mail we have fallen in love. And through the mail we have gotten engaged. In the past, this would have been impossible for me; I would have thought it impossible for anyone. But, my fiancée and I see and understand that our lives are more than what we can see, touch, taste and smell. Our lives are part of an infinitely connected continuum of experiences that can be shared between two people as meaningfully and intimately through the mail as they can in person.

My girl and I understand that we have lived together forever already, and the lives we will promise to share with each other “’till death do us apart”, are no more, and no less, than stars in a night sky.

[J.D. March 16, 2016]

A Zoological Hypothesis

If I were a zoologist, then I'd like to pursue this hypothesis: If given an ecological system with ample prey, but not predators, predators will quickly and naturally evolve.

Actually, I suspect this is not a new hypothesis at all, but merely a variation of the theory that predators evolve to serve critical roles such as population control and "weeding" (reducing the number of weak/sickly prey). The only difference is my hypothesis asserts that predators are a critical part of not just ecological systems, but everything that evolbes (e.g. sociological as well, of course). The role they serve is so basic and fundamental to evolution itself, that predators will always evolve anywhere "prey" is to be found.

And, an extension of my hypothesis would go on to assert that as prey evolves the ability to resist predators, so predators will evolve in step to overcome all resistance...

Oh, wait! That's already a proven theory, isn't it? (Ever heard of a "superbug"?) But, if it's already proven, then why do the police in our society insist that their job is so important? It seems to me (and all stats and studies confirm) that the more we resist crime, the more crime we get. Not only that, but conversely, the less we resist crime, the less crime we get (given enough time for the "predators" to diminish naturally).

This is what happens in nature as well; so as soon as we stop thinking of ourselves as "divinely created" for some "divine purpose", and realize that we are as much a part and product of nature as any other species on this planet, then we'll stop resisting where nature is trying to take us. And maybe we'll "hear" what She is trying to teach us: That She's the one in control, not us; and She knows more about what She's doing than we ever will.

[J.D. Feb. 23, 2016]

The Perils of Autonomous Desire

I am coming to understand that conscious volition (a.k.a. free will) is a pale comparison at best to the volitional forces that dominate our unconscious minds. A clear example of this is the simple and obvious control that I have over my waking fantasies. I can ostensibly fantasize about anything I want, quite literally, as most people can. But, I have almost no controll at all over what fantasies give me pleasure, and/or which invoke only pain. These "underlying" motivations for my fantasies seem almost exclusively controlled and determined somewhere deep in my unconscious mind. I would even argue that the pleasure or pain I receive from a fantasy, not to mention any real-life event, is largely determined by "the collective unconscious", as Jung called it.

This begs the question: If I can control the fantasy, but not the desired effect, then who or what is really in control? Me - or my desire?

J.D. January 3, 2016