Somebody's Watching (Over) Me

   Sometimes I think there is an entity that exists somehow in the netherlands of my mind that uses very little conscious energy but whom I respect and obey nonetheless. By “very little conscious energy” I mean that I am only fleetingly every consciously aware, of any actual thoughts that come from this entity. But, when the thoughts do come they are distinct, without rational or even clear emotional explanation, and I for some reason invariable obey. I think an example might make these “fleeting glimpses” a little more clear.

   When I got back from Boise, Idaho, early last year (2013), after having been gone from Terre Haute USP/SCU (i.e. Federal death row) on a court order for some eight months (in 2012), most of which time I spent at the SeaTac FDC/SHU (i.e. segregation) I found out that in my absence the USP/SCU prisoners got new color HDTVs (to replace the old CRT B/W TVs) and could also now purchase an MP3-player on commissary and buy music for it on the “Trust Fund Limited Inmate Computer System” (TRULINCS). Wow! Two great new improvements to my living conditions at the same time! And that was when that little voice in my head said simply, “One at a time,” and I obeyed.

   In other words, even though I had the means to buy an MP3-player right away, the “watcher” knew that I would be able to enjoy each new privilege much more if I took them one at a time. I didn’t actually think all this through, I just “obeyed” the voice and trust its wisdom without much thought or question. I was sorely tempted to buy an MP3-player right away, I enjoy my own brand of music as much as anyone, but the voice said, “not now”. So, I waited. I didn’t even know how long I would have to wait, but I knew --- without actually thinking about it --- that the watcher would let me know when, if not why.

   So, ten months go by, and I’m thoroughly enjoying my new color T.V., even more than I would have enjoyed it if I had the distraction of an MP3-player to go with it. But, as with most things, I eventually became less and less interested in the T.V. (especially as I started realizing how little anything on it is worth watching) and turned once more to my books for the comfort and solace they provide. I didn’t give much thought to buying an MP3-player yet, because the “voice” was still being quiet on the matter.

   But, then the end of the year came, along with the holidays, which always puts extra emotional stress on any prisoner, and the long awaited decision from Idaho (concerning the court ordered “competency” hearing, which is why I was there last year and held in SeaTac for eight months). I told a friend just before the judge’s ruling was finally issued that if the judge ruled as everyone expected (i.e. that I was in fact competent) then I would buy an MP3-player. The reason I gave for this at the time was some lame excuse about not wanting to buy an MP3-player because if the judge ruled I was not competent then I would most likely (eventually) be transferred off death row to some other Federal prison. I told my friend that I was concerned that the MP3-player could get lost or damaged during such a transfer (which is when most prisoner property gets lost or damaged). So, I was waiting for the judge’s decision before I bought one.

   At the time I had this conversation with my friend (over the phone) I was not thinking consciously about my “inner voice” (it goes by about as many names as any preternatural phenomenon), but instead I felt (thought) that I was just making a suitable excuse to finally buy an MP3-player. But then I got a letter from another friend/penpal who came right out and offered to order an MP3-player for me from Amazon.com. Of course I had to let her know that such orders are not allowed by the prison, but her offer --- completely out of the blue like that (I had never mentioned my desire for an MP3-player to her, or even my love for music; she just offered all on her own) and corresponding with the phone call to my other friend about finally purchasing an MP3-player for myself --- all seemed to chime of Jungian synchronicity (the experience of two or more events as meaningfully but not causally related). So I started paying closer attention, as is my habit when things like that occur, to see if there were any more signs, or meaning, to be relatedly discerned; and, of course, there were, or I wouldn’t be writing this now.

   At first there were no particularly meaningful coincidences other than when I asked the prisoner in the cell next to me about the procedure for buying an MP3-player and registering on TRULINCS to be able to buy songs (I wanted to know how long the registration process took, and it turned out to be very quick and automatic, so as soon as I got the player I could stay) he, my neighbor, offered to let me borrow his MP3-player for a couple of days so I could see how it worked. He had over 800 songs on his player (only halfway full memory-wise), mostly country, but many songs I liked too. If I wasn’t already sold on the idea of buying one, then actually getting to use one for a couple of days did the trick.

   That same week I bought my own player, and had my first dozen songs or so loaded onto it later the same day. I was a happy camper, and that brings me back to that “little voice” in my head.

   You see, without realizing it consciously I had been depressed by the judge’s ruling of competency. On the surface (i.e. consciously) I was happy with it. The finding meant not only that the rational for all my own decisions regarding my case was formally validated (which the judge did explicitly in the explanation for his ruling), but also that my one and only hope for “early release” (i.e. execution) remained alive. But, on a deeper lever, that I did not become aware of until recently, a part of me was saddened, greatly, that “they” had passed up yet another chance to back out of a terrible mistake (i.e. killing another human being without genuine cause). You see, other than my selfish personal hope for “early release”, I have a much deeper altruistic hope that people will somehow come to realize that I am a human being, not a monster; and either way that my past behavior (i.e. rape and murder) was a reflection on all of us, and not the sole volitional acts of one deranged man. If such a realization were to somehow make it into the collective consciousness of society in general, then I believe strongly that it would change not only how we treat so-called criminals, but in turn it would change how so-called criminals ultimately treat society (the most common intended victim). In other words, it would drastically reduce what we presently call “criminal behavior”, though we probably wouldn’t call it that any more (the very term solicits the behavior it purports to identify).

   This is my deepest hope, and one I am only aware of at all because of the consistent choices I have made that reflect it, and the numerous dreams I have had that express it directly (some of which I have blogger about at 5Ndreams.blogspot.com). This hope is also reflected (at least in my opinion) in many of the posts I have written in this blog, though I don’t generally ever set out with the conscious intention to do so.

   So, what does all this have to do with my “guardian angel” telling me to put off buying an MP3-player until now? Simply this: It seems to me that some part of me (the “watcher”, “inner voice”, “angel”, etc…) knew that I would be unconsciously depressed when the judge ruled for my competence. So, that part of me, using intelligence that goes way beyond my own as an individual, made arrangements for me to have some powerful medicine (in the Native American sense) to help me get through it. I feel this to be true because since I have gotten the MP3-player, and 40 or so songs so far with it, I have noticed a very distinct lifting in my spirits; which surprised me, because I didn’t think they needed lifting! Apparently, some part of me not only knew, but knew it over ten months ago!

[J.D. 2-2-2014]