Round One

After admitting in this blog that I still like to masterbate to deviant fantasies, I've decided that I should re-affirm my “reasons” (i.e. ignorant rationalizations) for doing so. And the most honest way to do that is to speak from direct experience. And, since it has been some time (2 years, at least) since I actually attempted to suppress my fantasies, then the only way for me to speak from direct experience is to suppress my fantasies now, otherwise I would just be relaying what I remember from the last time I did so, and memory is never a reliable witness.

So a couple of days ago I decided to actively suppress my fantasies, and this is what I have realized so far:

As usual, my mind has come up with some seemingly fresh and appealing reasons for NOT giving in to my fantasies. These reasons, as usual, relate mostly to my current interests and experience. I'm reading some books on ESP that talk about OBEs (Out of Body Experiences) and NDEs (near-death experiences). This subject interests me because of the vivid lucid dreams I frequently have, as well as other experiences in my life that seem to indicate that there is much more to life than meets the senses (hense, “extra-sensory”). So my mind has come up with reasons to not indulge deviant fantasies based on these experiences.

For example, what if ESP is real, and my thoughts (and fantasies) are projected into the collective unconsciousness of the world? Then I could be causing real harm without even realizing it!

Actually, I have thought of this before, but it seems fresh to me because of the books I am reading about ESP, that have changed my view somewhat on the topic of paranormal science. (I used to think it was a bunch of hocus-pocus, but after reading “The Conscious Universe” by Dean Radin, I am convinced that there is real scientific evidence for ESP, that has been systematically suppressed by the establishment.)

But, as has happened thousands of times in the past, a stark truth has stepped into my consciousness, a truth that I have never been able to deny (though I have often tried). The truth is this: I cannot trust what I think! I am still just learning to trust my actual experience again, after being so long out of contact with it because of what I thought. My delusions have destorted my experiences for so long, for awhile I was having a really hard time distinguish the two (i.e. separating my experiences from my delusions). So any thought I have that suggests a course of action (i.e. behavior) is extremely suspect. Especially if that thought is detached from experience, as any such thoughts of ESP usually are (sort of).

Of course, I could rationalize that my experiences seem to support ESP, but unless I have some kind of direct unequivocal support (books and dreams are not enough) then I cannot give credence to the idea. This does not mean that I reject ESP, or the possibility that my fantasies could be doing real harm to the world still. It just means that I cannot base my decisions on such ideas, since they are, as yet, unconfirmed. To me, the rational that it is better to believe in God, because if He is real then you “win everything”, and if He is not real then you “lose nothing”, is a lie. If you believe in God and He is not real, then you lose any chance you might have had at discovering what IS real! And that IS everything! This rational applies to all questionable truths, not just whether or not God is real.

And now my mind counters; but how will you know if ESP is real or not, if you don't TRUST it? Ah, now there is the classic zealot's parry! And a tempting fient to boot! But, an experienced “swordsman” knows better than to attack such logic. It is a clever circular reference that turns the energy of any attack back onto the attacker. No rational argument can overcome this “faith defense”. But it can be undermined, by simply observing that the same could be said for any belief!

And my mind is familiar with this backhanded attack as well, so it says, ah yes, but should you not at least explore the possibility? Otherwise you would never learn anything at all!

And there my mind has a valid point, touché! My only counter is to conceed the bout, or, make a desperate thrust for the heart; at what point, I ask my mind, should I stop “exploring” one possibility and turn my attention to some other?

My mind easily answers this question; when you have run out of new territory to explore.

Ah ha! My own fient worked! My mind has dropped it's guard and left me an opening at the end of the match for a counter-point: All of this, I say, IS old territory!

I have had such bouts with my own mind so many times that the only real challenge is to come up with moves that I haven't thought of before. And this I do as well, for both sides.

All this of course is an illustration of only a single round of an ongoing battle that I invariably get into when I try to suppress my fantasies. In fact, the ultimate reason that I stopped trying to suppress them is primarily to simply avoid this battle, and enjoy a little peace. If some harm is really being done by my fantasies, then it must come to the surface of my consciousness sooner or later. I can't force it to the surface by “believing in it” or I risk creating another delusion. I only believe in what I can experience directly and so far that is only one thing... me! Or, more succinetly; who I am (which if you read this blog at all you will know is not in any selfish sense at all – I believe that all things are caused by me, even you! So I believe in you too, or, at least I would if we ever met, that is, if you ever became a part of my direct experience).

And so, the battle rages on, in this case for your benefit, not mine. I still prefer the peace that comes from not resisting or trying to control my fantasies at all, but instead just observing them (in a safe environment) and letting them teach me what they may.

(Originally written on December 7, 2010)