Desire, My Friend

For some reason a lot of people seem to think that desire is an obstical to absolute truth. But I doubt if that is what Christ, or even the Buddha meant when they indicated that we must overcome, or control, desire in order to come closer to God (the ultimate truth).

Desire itself is obviously a completely natural and even critically necessary part of nature. Without desire we would not feed, procreate, or even breath. So how do we “overcome” something that is such a fundamental part of our existence?

Obviously we cannot get rid of desire. Somehow we must make our peace with it. The same can be said about death as well. The Bible tells us that when The Christ returns He will put death “beneath His feet”. It does not say that death will be destroyed, or otherwise illuminated at all. Instead, it clearly indicates that death will be a servant (that's what “beneath His feet” means).

So perhaps desire is meant to be our servant as well. Maybe the idea is to be able to control and direct our desires, not to simply illiminate them.

William Blake wrote, “Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained;...”

I think Blake is right. Strong desire cannot be restrained by any human effort. Most people realize this to be true, but then they say that with “God's help” we can overcome any desire. But, if that were true then why is the innermost sanctum of every church plagued with uncontrolled desire of usually the most base sort? Even St. Paul wrote of God's refusal to assist him in overcoming his own “affliction” (with desire), and he wrote extensively about his own struggles with it (though most “Christians” prefer to ignore, or even worse, “interpret”, what Paul wrote in order to support their own beliefs, of course).

So, if we cannot restrain desire, what are we expected to do with it when it interferes with our communion with the Ultimate Truth? Well, if there were an answer to that question that could be simply put into words then there probably would never have been a “fall from grace” in the first place. Yet, while I can't speak for everyone, I can express my own thoughts on the one approach to this dilemma that seems most honest to me.

I think we should become friends with our desires! Rather than pushing them away, which only forces them to become more devious and manipulative, we should embrace them, “talk” to them, and more importantly, “listen” to them. As we get to know them we will find (at least I have) that they are a lot like people, and not “bad” people at all!

Of course, in order to befriend our desires we must learn to communicate with them. I find that the best way to do this is to start by “listening” carefully. In practical terms that means paying conscious attention to them. I “listen” most intently to my own desires while I am meditating.

Of course, I also “listen” carefully while I am engaging them. I think most people “tune out” when they are “giving in” to their desires. This is a mistake. It promotes detachment and alienation from an important part of yourself, namely your desires.

I have come to realize that my desires are so much like individual people, with egos and the whole nine yards, that if I treat them with love and respect they in turn tend to treat me the same way. Likewise, I have found that by ignoring them and berating them disrespectfully I only end up incurring the same treatment from them.

My desires seem to behave in complete disregard for my feelings and interests if I don't treat them with the same love and respect that I would give my own children. And in many surprizing ways, they are exactly like my own children! Sri Aurobindo seems to understand this as well. He writes that our thoughts (and desires), “... are forms, and have an individual life, independent of their author”. In his book, Powers Within, Aurobindo discusses this concept at great length and expounds on the importance of recognizing our thoughts as our own children that we send out into the world to find their way, and whom eventually “return home” to you.

If we try to control our desires with threats and intimidation, then, like children, they end up rebelling against us and even intentionally acting in spite of us. But if we listen to them, and try honestly to understand and love them as an extension of ourselves, then maybe they will even confide in us what their own desires are! To achieve this level of communication takes time and patience. But once you have gained their trust, then they will share their own motivations with you; motivations that they normally keep to themselves (“unconscious” to you) out of fear that you might turn this knowledge against them. It is in effect like knowing the name of a demon. It gives you power over it, but it does not let you destroy it. How you use that power will ultimately determine your eternal fate.

So, I believe that the only true path to lasting and meaningful control over your desires is to develope a mutually loving and respectful relationship with them. Get to know them, and let them get to know you. Like any parent-child relationship, it is important that you yourself set a good example. You can only do this of course, by coming to know and understand your own purpose (i.e. primary motivation) in life. If you do not already know this, then I'd suggest you find out. It is YOUR True Name, the one that will or will not be found “written in the book of life” at the “end of days”. If you ever expect your children to respect and obey you, and tell you their “names”, then you will have to tell them yours.

If we think of God as “Love”, then perhaps it is only with his help after all that we will ever win the obediance from our desires that can only come with love and respect. In this case God is perhaps teaching us by example (as I believe He always does). He never asks us to do what He Himself isn't willing and able to do; not even be a human being with human desires!

If your desires are completely out of control (as mine clearly were when I raped and murdered children), then you cannot expect to earn their love and respect overnight; or even at all, especially if they are relatively “grown” and mature desires. But, with enough patience and time, you can come to know your desires well enough to at least befriend them. And if, like me, your relationship with your desires is severely strained with a painful past, then perhaps a friendship is the best you can hope for. In that case you will have little hope of ever winning their devotion and obedience, but at least you can be friendly (non-abusive) with each other, and talk, share secrets (which otherwise would remain “unconscious” to you), and perhaps even dance arm-in-arm once in a while, as good friends should.