Desire, My Friend

For some reason a lot of people seem to think that desire is an obstical to absolute truth. But I doubt if that is what Christ, or even the Buddha meant when they indicated that we must overcome, or control, desire in order to come closer to God (the ultimate truth).

Desire itself is obviously a completely natural and even critically necessary part of nature. Without desire we would not feed, procreate, or even breath. So how do we “overcome” something that is such a fundamental part of our existence?

Obviously we cannot get rid of desire. Somehow we must make our peace with it. The same can be said about death as well. The Bible tells us that when The Christ returns He will put death “beneath His feet”. It does not say that death will be destroyed, or otherwise illuminated at all. Instead, it clearly indicates that death will be a servant (that's what “beneath His feet” means).

So perhaps desire is meant to be our servant as well. Maybe the idea is to be able to control and direct our desires, not to simply illiminate them.

William Blake wrote, “Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained;...”

I think Blake is right. Strong desire cannot be restrained by any human effort. Most people realize this to be true, but then they say that with “God's help” we can overcome any desire. But, if that were true then why is the innermost sanctum of every church plagued with uncontrolled desire of usually the most base sort? Even St. Paul wrote of God's refusal to assist him in overcoming his own “affliction” (with desire), and he wrote extensively about his own struggles with it (though most “Christians” prefer to ignore, or even worse, “interpret”, what Paul wrote in order to support their own beliefs, of course).

So, if we cannot restrain desire, what are we expected to do with it when it interferes with our communion with the Ultimate Truth? Well, if there were an answer to that question that could be simply put into words then there probably would never have been a “fall from grace” in the first place. Yet, while I can't speak for everyone, I can express my own thoughts on the one approach to this dilemma that seems most honest to me.

I think we should become friends with our desires! Rather than pushing them away, which only forces them to become more devious and manipulative, we should embrace them, “talk” to them, and more importantly, “listen” to them. As we get to know them we will find (at least I have) that they are a lot like people, and not “bad” people at all!

Of course, in order to befriend our desires we must learn to communicate with them. I find that the best way to do this is to start by “listening” carefully. In practical terms that means paying conscious attention to them. I “listen” most intently to my own desires while I am meditating.

Of course, I also “listen” carefully while I am engaging them. I think most people “tune out” when they are “giving in” to their desires. This is a mistake. It promotes detachment and alienation from an important part of yourself, namely your desires.

I have come to realize that my desires are so much like individual people, with egos and the whole nine yards, that if I treat them with love and respect they in turn tend to treat me the same way. Likewise, I have found that by ignoring them and berating them disrespectfully I only end up incurring the same treatment from them.

My desires seem to behave in complete disregard for my feelings and interests if I don't treat them with the same love and respect that I would give my own children. And in many surprizing ways, they are exactly like my own children! Sri Aurobindo seems to understand this as well. He writes that our thoughts (and desires), “... are forms, and have an individual life, independent of their author”. In his book, Powers Within, Aurobindo discusses this concept at great length and expounds on the importance of recognizing our thoughts as our own children that we send out into the world to find their way, and whom eventually “return home” to you.

If we try to control our desires with threats and intimidation, then, like children, they end up rebelling against us and even intentionally acting in spite of us. But if we listen to them, and try honestly to understand and love them as an extension of ourselves, then maybe they will even confide in us what their own desires are! To achieve this level of communication takes time and patience. But once you have gained their trust, then they will share their own motivations with you; motivations that they normally keep to themselves (“unconscious” to you) out of fear that you might turn this knowledge against them. It is in effect like knowing the name of a demon. It gives you power over it, but it does not let you destroy it. How you use that power will ultimately determine your eternal fate.

So, I believe that the only true path to lasting and meaningful control over your desires is to develope a mutually loving and respectful relationship with them. Get to know them, and let them get to know you. Like any parent-child relationship, it is important that you yourself set a good example. You can only do this of course, by coming to know and understand your own purpose (i.e. primary motivation) in life. If you do not already know this, then I'd suggest you find out. It is YOUR True Name, the one that will or will not be found “written in the book of life” at the “end of days”. If you ever expect your children to respect and obey you, and tell you their “names”, then you will have to tell them yours.

If we think of God as “Love”, then perhaps it is only with his help after all that we will ever win the obediance from our desires that can only come with love and respect. In this case God is perhaps teaching us by example (as I believe He always does). He never asks us to do what He Himself isn't willing and able to do; not even be a human being with human desires!

If your desires are completely out of control (as mine clearly were when I raped and murdered children), then you cannot expect to earn their love and respect overnight; or even at all, especially if they are relatively “grown” and mature desires. But, with enough patience and time, you can come to know your desires well enough to at least befriend them. And if, like me, your relationship with your desires is severely strained with a painful past, then perhaps a friendship is the best you can hope for. In that case you will have little hope of ever winning their devotion and obedience, but at least you can be friendly (non-abusive) with each other, and talk, share secrets (which otherwise would remain “unconscious” to you), and perhaps even dance arm-in-arm once in a while, as good friends should.

The Coldest Blooded Killer Of All

Have you ever been a bully? Think honeslty about this, because the truth in this matter can be very enlightening.

When I was a kid, more often than not I was the victim of bullying, in school, in my neighbourhood and even in my own family. But on one or two occasions I clearly remember becoming the bully. And I remember the reason I did so in every case: peer preasure.

I once turned on my own best friend, simply because for a rare moment I felt accepted by a group of other boys for doing so. I actually tried to apologize to him later, but he just shrugged it off and said it was okay, he "understood", which made me feel even worse.

But I didn't understand. It was the first time I ever really sucumbed to peer preasure. As a younger child, for some reason, peer preasure did not seem to be a part of my world.

Once, around age six, I was playing with a group of other boys around my age in a playground sandbox. Suddenly several of the other kids started yelling, “Oh no! Here comes that stupid German kid!” (we lived on an Army base in Germany, and sometimes German families would come visit the American families on base). All the other kids scattered; except me. I just continued playing with my toy jeep in the sandbox as I watched the unfamiliar boy approach. He came straight up to me since I was the only child who didn't run away from him and began a jovial though mostly one-sided conversation with me in German.

So what happened between the age of six and fifteen, when with a group of other boyscouts on a camping trip I started calling my best friend names along with the other scouts because he was the only kid who couldn't run fast enough to jump up onto the the supply truck for a free ride back to the campsite? Mob mentality; a.k.a. peer preasure, that's what happened. It is the coldest blooded killer of all.

Dancing With Desire

How do we dance with desire? Oh, but how we have forgotten. Our children will help us remember. They dance so well, without thought, or inhibition. They dance too, without shame or sin.

This is the dance; to be free to move, to speak, to show how we feel. This is the dance, consciousness arisen. To know only the truth, and fear only one false move. This is the dance, unforgotten .

To dance with desire is to dance in God's arms; safe, loved protedted, desired. It is also to dance in our neighbour's front yard, unbidden; insane to a world that is insane to you.

It is what want wants. It is what need gets. It is what desire is. To dance with desire is to live, knowing only that you are alive, and will be forever.

Christian Love

Shortly after my arrest in 2005, a Christian minister from a local parish came to visit me. I told him the following story in order to illustrate my understanding of divine love. The minister was so impressed by the story that he worked it into his next Sunday sermon. It was not well received.

Imagine that you walk into your young son's bedroom and find a naked man standing over your child's bed covered in blood. You look down and to your horror see the nude and sexually mutilated body of your child laying in a large pool of blood on the mattress. Your son is clearly dead.

When you look back at the man you see that he is holding a knife, also covered with blood, that he obviously used to murder your child. He waves the knife at you menacingly and warns you with wild eyes and a sinister smile to stay away.

Instead of attacking the man, or running away, you speak calmly and with steady assurance, and tell the man, even as your heart wrenches and tears pour down your face, that you forgive him, and that you understand why he has done this terrible thing.

Your tears and pain are for the loss of your son and equally for the terrible state of pain and confusion and desperation that you sense in the man who has killed your son. You beg the man to let you help him, and he is so stunned that he just stands still while you pick up one of your child's shirts from the floor and use it to whipe your own son's blood off of the murderer's body.

Gradually the murderer realizes you are no threat to him and he lets you lead him into the bathroom, where you run water and provide him with what he needs to get the rest of the blood off.

After he gets dressed, you take him into your kitchen and prepare some food to his order for him to eat. When he finishes, you tell him again that he is forgiven, and more importantly, that you love and understand him. You try to make him understand that you can feel his pain and confusion.

Eventually the man leaves, and you call the police to report the murder. The police don't believe your story about the man who killed your son, especially when you tell them with tears in your eyes that you forgave him and let him walk away. They arrest you and soon you are charged, convicted, and sentenced to die for the crime. But, of course, your only “crime” is unconditional love.

Actually this is an embellished version of the story I told the minister back in 2005. But the points it illustrates are the same. This is how Gos loves us, and it is how His Son commanded that we love each other.

The minister I told this story to later told me that several of his parishioners withdrew from his church's congregation when they learned the source of this story and that he was visiting me in jail.

The minister himself stopped coming to visit me when I refused to “accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior”. I told him that such “verbal circumcision” would only dishonor the genuine nature of forgiveness and love that I had already experienced. No words could, or should, ever express the divine presence that overcame me on that mountain. It was an ultra-personal experience that no words will ever adequately express.

I have not heard from that minister in over four years. I have come to suspect that he thinks the devil was attempting to influence him through me, merely because I raised doubts in his mind about his own beliefs; another sad case of blinded faith ingoramatitis.

God commands us to love and understand each other. No man is a devil deserving to be hated, though all men hear the devil's voice (deception). You can believe the lies, blindly, or open your eyes and see the Truth for yourself. God's command to love unconditionally is no more than a command to open your eyes, and to wake up!

And this command is spoken plainly and directly in our “hearts”. You should not need to “believe the Bible” in order to realize God's command. You should also realize that it is a command, not a suggestion. God is not telling us that we should try to love as he loves.He is commanding that we do so.

God would not issue such a command if it were not within the power of every living soul to comply. There will be no excuses on judgement day.