I am a Cowardly Ignoramus

To be clear, when I say that I am the most cowardly ignoramus that I know, I do not mean so disparagingly. I am simply making an objective observation. I am not consciously or intentionally a coward (i.e. ruled by fear), nor am I deliberately ignorant. But when I observe my own behaviors and thoughts I find evidence of both of these attributes. And though I may suspect others of behaving similarily, I can only have direct knowledge of my own cravenness, never anyone else's. Thus, I say I am the most craven person I know, because I am truly the only craven person I know.

I have also said that my greatest accomplishment has been being able to embrace my greatest failure. By this I do not mean that I condone my own cowardly ignorance, but neither do I condemn it. Instead I metaphorically say to it, “You are welcome inside my home (mind, heart, etc...), as long as you do not mind me keeping the lights on!”.

What I mean, is that every idea, emotion, thought, and experience that I have is subject to the constant “light” of consciousness. In other words, I tell my own mind, “I'm watching you!”. And then I do watch, as consciously as I can.

And what I see is an ugly mess (in places). But rather than quickly turning off the lights again, like most people do, I accept what I see, and set about the arduous task of putting things in order and cleaning up the messes, instead of merely denying my own sloven past.

I will probably not finish “cleaning house” before I am released (i.e. murdered by the government). But, my goal is not so much to have a “clean house” as it is to learn how to clean. Sometimes I even “make messes” just so I can clean them up again, and learn how to do it better.

So when I point out evidence of psychological messes in other people's lives, I only do so out of the understanding that comes from having cleaned (or at least found) those same messes in my own “house”. I do not mean to condemn or judge anyone. I'm not saying, “You should not be that way”. Instead, I am only trying to say, “You should be aware of the way you are!”

And when someone else says to me, “You are a coward!” I like to ask, “Could you please be more specific?” (that I might learn something new about myself!)