We are all responsible for what we do, but not by choice. The only "choice" we have is whether or not to be aware of our responsibility, and even that is more of a gift than a choice (though it certainly appears as more of a choice from the limited "individual" perspective). It is a gift that we are all born with; that is, all living things are fundamentally aware of their responsibility for what they do. But, in our present world, we humans systematically compel our children to squander this gift, usually in the name of some intellectual idea or another.
By responsibility I mean that everything we do has infinite consequence. It is only in this context that responsibility has any meaning at all. So-called "individual responsibility" is, by this definition, an oxymoronic contradiction of terms. You cannot be individually responsible when everything you do has infinite consequence for every living thing, not just you. Furthermore, everything you do is a consequence of what every living thing has ever done in the past. (I use the term "living things" for convenience only, and it does not matter in this case what I actually mean by "living" - I simply mean everything and anything capable of experiencing the illusion of choice, and it also does not matter how you define choice here either) Modern scientists refer to this as the butterfly effect, and it is a mathematically proven concept. But, few people realize the direct implication, that the "choice" to blink, or not blink, not only could have major consequences for everyone on the planet, but inevitably WILL have major consequences!
Most people who come to this realization run from it in fear. Because the next logical leap appears to go over a very dangerous cliff: If every choice, good or bad, has major consequences that are completely unrelated to the nature of said choice, then it ultimately can't matter what we do. In order to refute this "chaotic" view of destiny, most people resort to a system of adamant denial, usually in the form of some religious belief or another.
But, the abyss of chaos is only an illusion to begin with, created by our belief in a separate existence from the Universe. And inventing some god of order only ends up reinforcing the illusion of chaos; or as the Buddha says, "There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it."
The correct solution then is to surrender the illusion of individual responsibility and accept the universal responsibility that nature has endowed us all with. It is a responsibility that defies reason, and transcends life itself, making a mockery of death. Choice is seen as the illusion it is, and chaos no longer challenges order, but becomes one with it. Riddles for sure, but only for someone who still fears the abyss, and hence has not yet stepped into it with both eyes open.
(J.D. 7-1-2014)
Saturday, August 16, 2014
The Wisdom of Shit
I recently asked a friend of mine to check out an organization on the Internet for me called the "Society for the Scientific Study of Psychopathy". My friend laughed at my request because he thought it was a joke (the organization AND my request). After I assured him I was no joking he asked me, with a bit of chuckle remaining in his voice out of respect I suppose, why I would want to know anything about such an obviously "BS" organization. I told him, yes, it was obviously BS, but it was a real organization too, and as such I hoped to find some useful information about the nature of the "beast" (i.e. deception based organization) that shat such shit.
I realized after reflecting on this conversation that it is part of my own nature to question what I don't understand, even when the object of my confusion stinks to high heaven, as in this case (metaphorically speaking of course). Small children normally have no qualms about investigating a pile of dog poop in the grass. For some reason, that I do not rue, this kind of curiosity has never left me (thanks no doubt to my "psychopathic" nature). I still believe, and believe strongly, that the best evidence for understanding something, from organisms to organizations is the content (and hence "smell") of the shit that comes out of it. This is actually an established scientific technique that doctors and scientists have relied upon for hundreds of years. In fact, recent studies indicate that nature herself has been relying on it all along. Dogs for example identify all sorts of critical information about another animal simply by smelling its shit.
So, it shouldn't surprize my friend (and later in that same conversation he admitted that it didn't surprize him after he thought about it) that I would ask for information about an organization that in my opinion "stinks". I am simply concuring with Brian, the dog from the hit adult cartoon "Family Guy", when he once said, "Everything I need to know about a person I can gleen from (sniffing) their assholes."
(J.D. 6-19-2014)
I realized after reflecting on this conversation that it is part of my own nature to question what I don't understand, even when the object of my confusion stinks to high heaven, as in this case (metaphorically speaking of course). Small children normally have no qualms about investigating a pile of dog poop in the grass. For some reason, that I do not rue, this kind of curiosity has never left me (thanks no doubt to my "psychopathic" nature). I still believe, and believe strongly, that the best evidence for understanding something, from organisms to organizations is the content (and hence "smell") of the shit that comes out of it. This is actually an established scientific technique that doctors and scientists have relied upon for hundreds of years. In fact, recent studies indicate that nature herself has been relying on it all along. Dogs for example identify all sorts of critical information about another animal simply by smelling its shit.
So, it shouldn't surprize my friend (and later in that same conversation he admitted that it didn't surprize him after he thought about it) that I would ask for information about an organization that in my opinion "stinks". I am simply concuring with Brian, the dog from the hit adult cartoon "Family Guy", when he once said, "Everything I need to know about a person I can gleen from (sniffing) their assholes."
(J.D. 6-19-2014)
The Mother of Reality
If it weren't for certain forces of nature that we usually call "evil", merely because from our perspective they cause us to experience pain and suffering, then none of us would be here at all; which is to say, there would BE no experience.
I usually like to define evil as the product of fear and ignorance, which results in the emotion we call hate, and affects the behavior or other projection of reality that we call evil. But, that's just one way of defining it, and there are many.
Another way to define evil - keeping in mind that we're still talking about the same phenomenon - is as, anything that invokes inbalance, or "injustice" in a normally harmonious, or ordered, system, such as our personal life or social community. This definition is usually the one we use when we think about crime, and is commonly used by the aficionados of justice to justify their devotion to "restoring order" via their written (i.e. invented) laws.
One thing that both of these definitions have in common, indeed that all definitions of evil require, is the concept of disrupted order. Whether order is disrupted by an act of hate, or one of greed and avarice, or even by mere random chance, if our perception of order is disturbed then we experience the pain of the loss and suffer because of so-called evil.
Most people who use the "justice definition" of evil in order to justify doing evil to others (as I once did and as the entire so-called "Criminal Justice System" does routinely) seldom stop to consider the implications of what they are doing (i.e. propagating the very "evil" that they profess to be against). No one likes to admit that they are evil, especially not those who do the most evil of all (i.e. politicians, religious leaders, law makers, law keepers, etc...). But, something that even those who study and write about such human falacies (i.e. philosophers, social scientists, mystics, etc...) seldom consider is that this systematic and ignorant propagation of evil is also a fundamental and necessary part of nature, not just living nature, but all of nature, indeed. All of existence.
If there were no force in nature that could cause the disruption of order, or if such forces could be somehow completely suppressed (by other forces for example), then the Big Bang itself would never have occured.
We don't know a lot about the Big Bang, but we do now it happened, and we also know that whatever caused it to happen was something that disrupted the order of nothingness. Actually, the term "nothingness" is a misnomer in this context, but the very basic principles of known physics tells us that nothing can happen without a fundamental disruption of order. This is the core principle behind quantum physics, and is commonly referred to as the "uncertainty principle".
Basically, what I'm saying, is that "evil" is a critical and indespensible part of our reality. In fact, you could even truthfully say that evil is the mother of all reality!
(J.D. 7-4-2014)
I usually like to define evil as the product of fear and ignorance, which results in the emotion we call hate, and affects the behavior or other projection of reality that we call evil. But, that's just one way of defining it, and there are many.
Another way to define evil - keeping in mind that we're still talking about the same phenomenon - is as, anything that invokes inbalance, or "injustice" in a normally harmonious, or ordered, system, such as our personal life or social community. This definition is usually the one we use when we think about crime, and is commonly used by the aficionados of justice to justify their devotion to "restoring order" via their written (i.e. invented) laws.
One thing that both of these definitions have in common, indeed that all definitions of evil require, is the concept of disrupted order. Whether order is disrupted by an act of hate, or one of greed and avarice, or even by mere random chance, if our perception of order is disturbed then we experience the pain of the loss and suffer because of so-called evil.
Most people who use the "justice definition" of evil in order to justify doing evil to others (as I once did and as the entire so-called "Criminal Justice System" does routinely) seldom stop to consider the implications of what they are doing (i.e. propagating the very "evil" that they profess to be against). No one likes to admit that they are evil, especially not those who do the most evil of all (i.e. politicians, religious leaders, law makers, law keepers, etc...). But, something that even those who study and write about such human falacies (i.e. philosophers, social scientists, mystics, etc...) seldom consider is that this systematic and ignorant propagation of evil is also a fundamental and necessary part of nature, not just living nature, but all of nature, indeed. All of existence.
If there were no force in nature that could cause the disruption of order, or if such forces could be somehow completely suppressed (by other forces for example), then the Big Bang itself would never have occured.
We don't know a lot about the Big Bang, but we do now it happened, and we also know that whatever caused it to happen was something that disrupted the order of nothingness. Actually, the term "nothingness" is a misnomer in this context, but the very basic principles of known physics tells us that nothing can happen without a fundamental disruption of order. This is the core principle behind quantum physics, and is commonly referred to as the "uncertainty principle".
Basically, what I'm saying, is that "evil" is a critical and indespensible part of our reality. In fact, you could even truthfully say that evil is the mother of all reality!
(J.D. 7-4-2014)
Thursday, August 14, 2014
The Way, The Truth and The Life
I have recently said that the epiphany that caused me to stop killing and turn myself in didn't change any of my personal viewpoints about the world , but it did make me realize that my viewpoints were limited and selfish. That cause me to stop BELIEVING in my own views, and forced me to surrender to the "views" of the Universe. I didn't know what those views were, but I knew with a certainty that they DID exist, if only because I exist (the logic behind this statement is well established by minds far more astute in such things than mine will ever be; take Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum" for example: I think, therefore I am, is the conclusion he came to based on this same line of reasoning). Suddenly my views became just that, MY views. I took responsibility for my own views for the first time. And, I no longer felt the need to validate my views by imposing them onto other people, either by argument or by force (e.g. I was imposing my views of justice by attacking society through the kidnap, rape and murder of children). I saw plainly via this epiphany that my views could never be validated. By their very nature they were inherently true only for me, and false in all other contexts. This is why I now insist that any real concept of God (i.e. the source of all being) must be direct and personal, not canned as with most religions. It seems plain to me when I read the Bible (as I have often) that Jesus wasn't trying to establish a new system of belief (i.e. religion), but was trying to free people from ALL belief systems, so they could experience the source of their being (i.e. God) directly through the Living Truth. He not only insisted he was the Way, the Truth and the Life, but he further insisted that we all are! Of course, most Christians will argue, and insist their view is the only correct one - but, such people don't concern me, I was once like them, and understand completely why it is so important to them that others believe as they do, and conversely, that they believe as others do, though now I only believe as I do, and express that belief without expecting others to believe the same.
(J.D. 7-2-2014)
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Realizing My Insignificance
When we fear death, we are really fearing the realization of our insignificance. Life is a struggle for significance. We often perceive this as a struggle for power, or control. Sometimes we see it as a desperate need to be loved, or at least understood. But beneath all of these is the quest for recognition and significance. And death is the ultimate threat to that quest.
I have sometimes referred to the epiphany that caused me to stop wanting to hurt the people who had hurt me (i.e. society) and consequently stop killing and turn myself over to the authorities of the present world, as the realization that what I was doing WASN'T wrong (as starkly opposed to the realization that it WAS wrong, as one might assume). But, as I have often said, whatever it was that I experienced (or realized) that day was something that I have struggled with ever since to put into words, and saying that I realized that what I was doing WASN'T wrong is an example of one more failed attempt to express what happened in my "heart" (or "inner mind") that day.
What I was trying to convey with those words was the idea that I had somehow come to understand that my attempt to hurt society was futile, because all I was really doing (and later came to further understand that all I, or anyone, was even capable of doing) was hurting myself, and then projecting the pain I caused for myself onto society (i.e. imagining that they would now "feel my pain").
I have since come to understand that this is a very common sickness, exhibited not just by criminals and so-called psychopaths, but by anyone who has ever failed to sincerely forgive their transgressors. Any attempt to punish for the sake of retribution is rooted in this error of perception; this delusion, or outright fantasy, of power and control over those who we blame for our suffering.
And now, with yet more words, I have found a slightly better way to say what I was trying to say before; or at least a way to fail saying what I want to say just a little less:
What I came to realize that day was that all my attempts to make myself SIGNIFICANT were futile. That is what I was really doing by raping and murdering children. I was trying to assert my own significance, which had been repeatedly, and officially, and systematically denied by the society I was born into all my life. I was taking it back, in my mind at least, the only way I knew how; the way we are all taught, with force (i.e. the exertion of power and control).
But in that moment of awakening that I have described many times as I was a mere instant away from crushing the skull of yet another small child I suddenly saw not only the futility of my struggle for significance, but I saw that futility in the light of my TRUE AND ONLY SIGNIFICANCE! In that moment I saw the significance of life itself; a significance that does not depend on anything we do as individuals. It was this true significance that set me free from my self-defeating quest for personal (i.e. selfish) significance. I realized what "seekers" have been realizing for thousands of years or more; that we are only significant when we have eternal life, and we can only have eternal life by surrendering our attachment to the temporal one.
On the day I stopped killing and surrendered to the authorities of this world I had also surrendered to the One True Authority. You can call that "Authority" anything you like. I have given it many names myself (my favorite is still, The Living Truth), but no matter what you call it, IT is the only source of significance any of us will ever have; and we all already have it! (This is why one of the manifestations of my "awakening" had been the repeated insistence that everyone, not just me, is already significant, by virtue of their existence alone! And my struggle ever since has been the one to find that significance for everyone I meet, within myself)
(J.D. 5-25-2014)
I have sometimes referred to the epiphany that caused me to stop wanting to hurt the people who had hurt me (i.e. society) and consequently stop killing and turn myself over to the authorities of the present world, as the realization that what I was doing WASN'T wrong (as starkly opposed to the realization that it WAS wrong, as one might assume). But, as I have often said, whatever it was that I experienced (or realized) that day was something that I have struggled with ever since to put into words, and saying that I realized that what I was doing WASN'T wrong is an example of one more failed attempt to express what happened in my "heart" (or "inner mind") that day.
What I was trying to convey with those words was the idea that I had somehow come to understand that my attempt to hurt society was futile, because all I was really doing (and later came to further understand that all I, or anyone, was even capable of doing) was hurting myself, and then projecting the pain I caused for myself onto society (i.e. imagining that they would now "feel my pain").
I have since come to understand that this is a very common sickness, exhibited not just by criminals and so-called psychopaths, but by anyone who has ever failed to sincerely forgive their transgressors. Any attempt to punish for the sake of retribution is rooted in this error of perception; this delusion, or outright fantasy, of power and control over those who we blame for our suffering.
And now, with yet more words, I have found a slightly better way to say what I was trying to say before; or at least a way to fail saying what I want to say just a little less:
What I came to realize that day was that all my attempts to make myself SIGNIFICANT were futile. That is what I was really doing by raping and murdering children. I was trying to assert my own significance, which had been repeatedly, and officially, and systematically denied by the society I was born into all my life. I was taking it back, in my mind at least, the only way I knew how; the way we are all taught, with force (i.e. the exertion of power and control).
But in that moment of awakening that I have described many times as I was a mere instant away from crushing the skull of yet another small child I suddenly saw not only the futility of my struggle for significance, but I saw that futility in the light of my TRUE AND ONLY SIGNIFICANCE! In that moment I saw the significance of life itself; a significance that does not depend on anything we do as individuals. It was this true significance that set me free from my self-defeating quest for personal (i.e. selfish) significance. I realized what "seekers" have been realizing for thousands of years or more; that we are only significant when we have eternal life, and we can only have eternal life by surrendering our attachment to the temporal one.
On the day I stopped killing and surrendered to the authorities of this world I had also surrendered to the One True Authority. You can call that "Authority" anything you like. I have given it many names myself (my favorite is still, The Living Truth), but no matter what you call it, IT is the only source of significance any of us will ever have; and we all already have it! (This is why one of the manifestations of my "awakening" had been the repeated insistence that everyone, not just me, is already significant, by virtue of their existence alone! And my struggle ever since has been the one to find that significance for everyone I meet, within myself)
(J.D. 5-25-2014)
The Intelligence Factor of Psychopathy
If you've read this blog with any understanding at all then you must know by now what I think about the whole idea of "psychopaths": they don't exist. Psychopaths are the witches of our era. They represent nothing more than an intellectual attempt to rationalize and categorize something about ourselves that we deeply fear and do not understand. But they aren't real, at least not in any sense that they are portrayed by the pseudoscience/religious zealots who call themselves psychologists.
But, I'm not going to go into all the reasons I believe so here. Instead I like to simply expound on an elephant in the room of psychopathy that I hadn't really noticed before now (so well ignored it is).
We all know that studies show that so-called psychopaths are usually very intelligent (albeit, not very highly educated). As a matter of fact, Hervey Cleckley (who wrote THE MASK OF SANITY and is considered the founding father of psychopathy) lists intelligence as the first identifying quality of a psychopath. And yet we know from modern brain science that intelligence is a highly emergent phenomenon that relies extensively on the complex relationships between all parts of the brain, not just the intellectual (e.g. prefrontal cortex) and emotional (e.g. amygdala) regions. So, if psychopaths are highly intelligent, as Cleckley and others observe, then they must also be highly functional - not disfunctional at all, not even some mythical social sense.
There is actually a relatively new book out now about psychopaths (THE WISDOM OF PSYCHOPATHS, by Kevin Dutton) that seems to admit this fact. Though Dutton doesn't go so far as to say that psychopathy is no more than an ideology bounded by fear and ignorance (a good definition for religion by the way), he does admit that our current definition of psychopath needs some serious reworking if it is to hold up to the current findings of scientific studies (and if that sounds familiar, it should, since that is exactly what all religions must do in order to survive; that is, redefine their terms and beliefs to fit the times).
But, Dutton's floundering admissions aside, the only point I'm trying to make here is that if psychopaths are more intelligent than most, then perhaps what psychologists are really trying to categorize is a class of people who see and understand more clearly than most other people, and as a result they behave (antisocially) in a manner CONSISTENT WITH this deeper understanding. Not all intelligent people would share this "deeper understanding" of course. It would be something, like all natural phenomena, that combines state of being (e.g. intelligence) with experience (the most intelligent person in the world might have trouble tying his own shoes, a la Einstein, if he never had to do so as a child).
I'm no scientist (or zealot for that matter), but I think this "elephant" is obvious enough to at least be pointed out.
(J.D. 5-23-2014)
But, I'm not going to go into all the reasons I believe so here. Instead I like to simply expound on an elephant in the room of psychopathy that I hadn't really noticed before now (so well ignored it is).
We all know that studies show that so-called psychopaths are usually very intelligent (albeit, not very highly educated). As a matter of fact, Hervey Cleckley (who wrote THE MASK OF SANITY and is considered the founding father of psychopathy) lists intelligence as the first identifying quality of a psychopath. And yet we know from modern brain science that intelligence is a highly emergent phenomenon that relies extensively on the complex relationships between all parts of the brain, not just the intellectual (e.g. prefrontal cortex) and emotional (e.g. amygdala) regions. So, if psychopaths are highly intelligent, as Cleckley and others observe, then they must also be highly functional - not disfunctional at all, not even some mythical social sense.
There is actually a relatively new book out now about psychopaths (THE WISDOM OF PSYCHOPATHS, by Kevin Dutton) that seems to admit this fact. Though Dutton doesn't go so far as to say that psychopathy is no more than an ideology bounded by fear and ignorance (a good definition for religion by the way), he does admit that our current definition of psychopath needs some serious reworking if it is to hold up to the current findings of scientific studies (and if that sounds familiar, it should, since that is exactly what all religions must do in order to survive; that is, redefine their terms and beliefs to fit the times).
But, Dutton's floundering admissions aside, the only point I'm trying to make here is that if psychopaths are more intelligent than most, then perhaps what psychologists are really trying to categorize is a class of people who see and understand more clearly than most other people, and as a result they behave (antisocially) in a manner CONSISTENT WITH this deeper understanding. Not all intelligent people would share this "deeper understanding" of course. It would be something, like all natural phenomena, that combines state of being (e.g. intelligence) with experience (the most intelligent person in the world might have trouble tying his own shoes, a la Einstein, if he never had to do so as a child).
I'm no scientist (or zealot for that matter), but I think this "elephant" is obvious enough to at least be pointed out.
(J.D. 5-23-2014)
Saturday, June 7, 2014
To Those Who Would Hate Something Evil
Hating something evil is like loving something good; the passion only makes the object stronger.
One of my favorite songs that I listened to often when I lived in Fargo, North Dakota, was "Down with The Sickness" by a group called Disturbed. The chorus goes something like this:
"Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Open up your hate and let it flow into me!"
This song was so close to the truth of the "sickness" that I kept hidden from even my closest friends that I kept it heavily encrypted on my computer and only listened to it in complete privacy for fear that if anyone ever found it in my possession it would point them directly to the "dungeon" where my sickness lay hidden. (To this day the FBI has been unable to crack this encryption code, though they testified in court that they dedicated an entire room full of computers for over a month trying. I laughed when I heard that, because if they had just asked I would have told them that the key was 248 bits, and the algorythm PGP (a program so tough to crack that the NSA tried to get it outlawed). A little math would have then told them that a billion of the most powerful computers in the world couldn't crack the encryption if they tried for the lifetime of a trillion universes like ours. I guess they had to try to make themselves feel better. But, like I said then, it will take a quantum computer to crack the encryption, and my hope is that by the time we have the tech to do that we might also have the wisdom to learn from what those encrypted files contain, instead of using them to propagate the "sickness" that made them in the first place.)
"Open up your hate and let it flow into me!"
The "sickness" (i.e. evil) feeds on hate. I did the horrific things I did specifically to make people hate me. I needed them to hate me in order to feel vindicated, and justified, for what "they" did to me.
I once lay hidden in some bushes down the street from a house that I had just invaded moments before with every intention of raping and killing the children who lived there. But just as I was about to kill the one adult (the mother) who stood between me and my hate feast, the father came in through the front door and I ran out the back then up the street and then panting heavily into these bushes to catch my breath.
My car and my escape was only a few yards away, but I needed to make sure nobody saw me get in and drive away. So I waited.
And while I waited I heard the man scream from the other end of the block. I can only imagine, by the time it took for this scream to happen, that when the man entered his home and found his wife bound hand and foot in the living room, and children (one already naked from the waist down) awaiting my pleasure in the master bedroom, that he probably grabbed a gun (most likely) or some other weapon and run out in the back yard (the direction his wife no doubt told him I had gone) to hunt me down.
But, a quick search turned up no clues of where I was or even which way I had gone (I was long gone, as they say, by the time he even realized what was happening). And that's when the reality of what had just happened finally sunk in, and the hate and rage instantly boiled up to the surface and he screamed.
The scream was nothing coherent. It was a purely primal scream of rage and frustration. It was a scream of powerlessness and helplessness. All that hate had to come out somehow, and it came out in that scream, which he knew, I'm sure, that I would hear. If he couldn't pour his hatred into me directly, then he'd do it indirectly with his yell.
I drank it up. As soon as I heard it I smiled. It told me everything I wanted to know (i.e. that the coast was indeed "clear") and gave me exactly what I needed, his hate!
I remember thinking, "Yeah, motherfucker, now you know how it feels!"
I was spreading the "sickness" by doing the "evil" things I did. I was given "them" (the faceless members of the society that infected me with their hatred) a taste of their own medicine. And that scream was better than sweet buttermilk ass waiting to be violated.
That was then. But on the mountain with Shasta I had an epiphany that made me no longer desire such "justice" or "revenge". I no longer saw that man, or his children, or society, as my victims. Suddenly I realized in the deepest sense, that "they" were ME!
I was only hurting myself. I was only hating myself. I was only projecting my pain and hate, and confusion, and "sickness" onto them. But it all came from inside of me. I was the only one who could stop my suffering, my fear, and my confusion. And the only way to stop it was to stop projecting it onto others. If I wanted peace, I had to learn to embrace the hate, pain and fear as my own; my choice, not theirs.
Now, if only "they" could somehow come to this same realization; then, only then, there might be real peace for everyone, especially our children.
(J.D. 5-16-2014)
One of my favorite songs that I listened to often when I lived in Fargo, North Dakota, was "Down with The Sickness" by a group called Disturbed. The chorus goes something like this:
"Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Open up your hate and let it flow into me!"
This song was so close to the truth of the "sickness" that I kept hidden from even my closest friends that I kept it heavily encrypted on my computer and only listened to it in complete privacy for fear that if anyone ever found it in my possession it would point them directly to the "dungeon" where my sickness lay hidden. (To this day the FBI has been unable to crack this encryption code, though they testified in court that they dedicated an entire room full of computers for over a month trying. I laughed when I heard that, because if they had just asked I would have told them that the key was 248 bits, and the algorythm PGP (a program so tough to crack that the NSA tried to get it outlawed). A little math would have then told them that a billion of the most powerful computers in the world couldn't crack the encryption if they tried for the lifetime of a trillion universes like ours. I guess they had to try to make themselves feel better. But, like I said then, it will take a quantum computer to crack the encryption, and my hope is that by the time we have the tech to do that we might also have the wisdom to learn from what those encrypted files contain, instead of using them to propagate the "sickness" that made them in the first place.)
"Open up your hate and let it flow into me!"
The "sickness" (i.e. evil) feeds on hate. I did the horrific things I did specifically to make people hate me. I needed them to hate me in order to feel vindicated, and justified, for what "they" did to me.
I once lay hidden in some bushes down the street from a house that I had just invaded moments before with every intention of raping and killing the children who lived there. But just as I was about to kill the one adult (the mother) who stood between me and my hate feast, the father came in through the front door and I ran out the back then up the street and then panting heavily into these bushes to catch my breath.
My car and my escape was only a few yards away, but I needed to make sure nobody saw me get in and drive away. So I waited.
And while I waited I heard the man scream from the other end of the block. I can only imagine, by the time it took for this scream to happen, that when the man entered his home and found his wife bound hand and foot in the living room, and children (one already naked from the waist down) awaiting my pleasure in the master bedroom, that he probably grabbed a gun (most likely) or some other weapon and run out in the back yard (the direction his wife no doubt told him I had gone) to hunt me down.
But, a quick search turned up no clues of where I was or even which way I had gone (I was long gone, as they say, by the time he even realized what was happening). And that's when the reality of what had just happened finally sunk in, and the hate and rage instantly boiled up to the surface and he screamed.
The scream was nothing coherent. It was a purely primal scream of rage and frustration. It was a scream of powerlessness and helplessness. All that hate had to come out somehow, and it came out in that scream, which he knew, I'm sure, that I would hear. If he couldn't pour his hatred into me directly, then he'd do it indirectly with his yell.
I drank it up. As soon as I heard it I smiled. It told me everything I wanted to know (i.e. that the coast was indeed "clear") and gave me exactly what I needed, his hate!
I remember thinking, "Yeah, motherfucker, now you know how it feels!"
I was spreading the "sickness" by doing the "evil" things I did. I was given "them" (the faceless members of the society that infected me with their hatred) a taste of their own medicine. And that scream was better than sweet buttermilk ass waiting to be violated.
That was then. But on the mountain with Shasta I had an epiphany that made me no longer desire such "justice" or "revenge". I no longer saw that man, or his children, or society, as my victims. Suddenly I realized in the deepest sense, that "they" were ME!
I was only hurting myself. I was only hating myself. I was only projecting my pain and hate, and confusion, and "sickness" onto them. But it all came from inside of me. I was the only one who could stop my suffering, my fear, and my confusion. And the only way to stop it was to stop projecting it onto others. If I wanted peace, I had to learn to embrace the hate, pain and fear as my own; my choice, not theirs.
Now, if only "they" could somehow come to this same realization; then, only then, there might be real peace for everyone, especially our children.
(J.D. 5-16-2014)
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