"I" Am Not "Me"

In a letter to my Mom today I wrote once more to her about my decision to stop acting "insane" (stop raping and murdering children, etc.) and turn myself in to the "authorities" (of the present world). I want her more than anyone to understand that there is nothing "wrong" with her son (or her, by retraction), and that there never was (other than the common insanity that afflicts us all). And in order to do that I tell her in as many different ways as I can about the "epiphany" I had that caused me to realize that what I was doing was no more or less insane than the things people (society) did to me when I was still a very confused child (see The Fifth Nail "Confessions" blog for details). I want my mother to understand that her son ultimately saw through the delusions that our culture so carefully cultivates and that provided the insane rational I needed in order to do the inhumane things I had done (and had been done to me). I believe the epiphany I had in the Montana wilderness with my last child victim is key to understanding why I did what I did (rape and kill, etc.). Because once you understand why I stopped, and I mean really understand, then the reason I started in the first place becomes self-evident (hint: because I believed the greatest lie of all, that I am sovereign over my own life and destiny, and hence "responsible" for what I do and who I am).

This realization, that I am not responsible for who I am (as an individual), nor for the things that I do, was the crux of the epiphany I had that let me see through the powerful delusions which were built around the premise that I am (responsible). Once that premise fell so did all the beliefs and rationalizations that depended on it. I could no longer convince myself that I had a "right" to hurt those who hurt me, or to take what I wanted from anyone, because suddenly my personal wants and desires became as meaningless as... well, me.

What does that mean? Am I really so meaningless? Not at all; that's not what I mean. I essentially realized that "I" am not "me". "I" and "me" are two completely different things. "I" is who I am underneath or behind the illusion of "me". And I am responsible for who I am. But - and this is important - I can only be "responsible" for who I am if I know the full consequences, past, present, and future (i.e. eternity) of who I am. And I can only know the full consequences if I am omniscient. And if I am omniscient then I must also be omnipotent, and omnipresent as well if you really think about it!

Yes! I realized in an instant something I knew deep down all my life, but had forgotten and ignored for too long; that I am God! No, not "me", but "I" am. The real infinite "me", not the limited delusional "me" who pretends to have power and control (and responsibility) over what I do, think, and feel. Yes, "I" have control, but the "me" (egotistical) only pretends (as it turns out is provable with certain scientific studies of how the brain makes choices before it formulates the excuses for those choices - excuses that constitute the very delusions of which I speak, of "responsibility" and "control", etc. etc.). The eternal "me", who I really am, decided long before I was ever born - before the universe was even born - who I would be and all the things I would do. And not just that, but everything and everyone else would do as well, which means of course that "I" was the one who hurt "me" as a child! I chose this life, and all those things that I once thought were done to "me" by so many others; by "them".

I realized - or, rather - I remembered - that "I" am the only Being in all creation (or, properly speaking, that I am The Creator!). That's why i kept saying, "It's not about me anymore!" and, "I'm not afraid anymore!" over and over after I had this epiphany. Because I knew, or more correctly, I saw, and I remembered who I really was. "I" am not "me". "I" am God! And as God I am responsible not just for "me", but for everything (and everyone) in all eternity.

[J.D. January 14, 2020] 

Reflections of Me

Metamorphosis of Narcissus (1937) by Salvador Dalí

The Fifth Nail blog has always been written as an honest expression of my most personal thoughts, feelings, dreams, and memories. But, it's not a blog about "me", per se. I believe that I am a reflection of everything and everyone that exists. So, by writing about myself, I am hoping to let people see reflections of themselves in me.

I cannot tell anyone what reflection they might see herein. But, by being as honest and open as I can, I believe these "reflections" will be as clear as possible. The more honest I am, the more clear they will be.

Different people will see different reflections in my words, which is to say that each will take their own meaning and understanding from what they find here. I expect most will never realize it is only a reflection of themselves that they see ("Ye will be judged according to how ye judge others..." etc.), but I suspect it doesn't matter if they realize it is THEIR reflection or not. Because, even if they themselves do not realize what they see is only a reflection of their own heart, the reflection itself will in turn be reflected in them. I believe that is how the intelligence of nature works. Who we are is reflected by the things we do and say, and the more honest we are with ourselves and others, the more the intelligence of nature is reflected in us, whether we realize it or not.

So, being honest, to me, is kind of prime directive in life. The more honest we are, the clearer our reflections will be. Thus I see myself, or rather - my existence, as a kind of mirror, which in itself is unimportant. But, what I "reflect" is everything - and the only thing - that matters. So the better I reflect, which is to say the more honest I am, the greater my service will be to the Living Truth, which sees Itself in me.

(Note: I make no attempt here to describe what I reflect. The reflection can only see and comprehend itself within us. We cannot see or comprehend what we ourselves reflect, and I believe it is a grave mistake to think we can. I call this mistake "judgment", but it has been recognized and called many other things, such as "sin", "fear", "ignorance". But no matter what it is called, it is a blemish on the mirror our souls are meant to be. We are not made to judge or even comprehend our existence; we were made simply to reflect, and perhaps appreciate, the Truth that is reflected in us all, the Truth that I like to call, "The Living Truth" - but also has many names.)

[J.D. October 24, 2019]

The Voice of Reason

Religion says: Trust me, I have it all figured out.
Reason says: Trust no one, and figure it out for yourself.

Religion says: Serve me, and I will serve you.
Reason says: Serve yourself, and you will serve me.

Religion says: Believe in me, and I will save you.
Reason says: Believe in yourself, and we will save each other.

Religion says: Have faith without question.
Reason says: Question everything, especially faith.

Religion says: I am for certain.
Reason says: Nothing is for certain.

Religion says: Without me, you are damned.
Reason says: Without you, I am damned.

Religion says: I will show you your purpose.
Reason says: We decide our own purpose.

Religion says: Follow me, and I will show you the way.
Reason says: Follow no one, and make your own way.

Religion says: The choice is yours, but...
Reason says: The choice is yours, period.

The Emperor's Balls

We all know the story of the emperor's magical robes. But the moral, while often cited, is seldom considered to its rational conclusion.

Consider for instance the child, whom at the end of the moral points at the naked emperor and exclaims, "Mommy, why is that man not wearing any clothes!?"

In the story, this is the end of the moral. But, in real life, it seldom ends there.

In real life, as much as we profess to admire and even relish the child's innocence, we seldom learn from it. In real life, the child is admonished, and even punished, perhaps just figuratively, but sometimes literally slapped across the face for simply asking such an honest question.

In our modern "enlightened" society, such a child is seen as spoiled, or even corrupted and suddenly, conveniently, no longer so "preciously innocent". The mother is horrified by her child's question. Not because she fears the truth that the child questions, but because she fears her own infidelity might be exposed, for remember she too sees the naked emperor. And in her mind she only sees his nakedness because she herself is "impure", and cannot see the beautifully magic robes he wears!

So the child is punished for simply failing to conform to the socially accepted delusion that the emperor is wearing the most beautiful robes ever made!

This happens in real life all the time. It happened to me as a child in an almost literal sense. I once learned a "dirty" joke from some older children when I was just six years old. I did not understand why the joke was so funny, so I repeated it to my mother in front of some of her friends. She promptly slapped my face and told me bitterly never to repeat such a joke again!

Of course I still did not understand what made the joke so funny, and even less why I was slapped for repeating it. The joke, of course, was in a sense nothing less than a reference to the emperor's nudity. If such an emperor ever existed in real life, then the children of that reality would without doubt make "unspeakable" jokes about his nudity, just as the children in this reality, my reality, make "dirty" jokes about "unspeakable" things that no "pure" person would ever admit was very plain for everyone, including children, to see.

Thus, the "emperor" in my reality is in essence human sexual nature, or more simply, our animal nature. And like the child in the story who questioned the emperor's nudity, while everyone else pretended he was dressed so beautifully, we commonly admonish and even harshly punish our children for being so innocently curious about it. So it should really be such a great "surprise" when one or several of those children grow up into bitter and vengeful adults who openly lament the emperor's "nudity" and even on occasion dare to kick the emperor himself in the "balls", figuratively speaking, by lashing out violently against (i.e. with) our sexual (animal) nature?

That's exactly what I was doing when I so brazenly kidnapped, raped, and murdered all those children, even killing an entire family in the very "safety of their home" that our emperor "dresses" himself with so smugly. I was very deliberately kicking the emperor of this world in his balls hoping that maybe then people would see and admit his "nudity". I realize now, of course, the futility of my rageous actions. People will defend their delusion with their life if necessary (but more likely with other people's lives, as wars are commonly fought, even today by the U.S., and its allies, in defense of the emperor's "magical robes"). Regardless, I still believe the day will come when there will be no more emperors, and no more need to "dress" them, delusionally or otherwise. But, until then, people like me, who were once children questioning the emperor's nudity, i.e. social delusions, and people like Jesus who was doing no less when he overturned the money-changers tables in the temple, will continue to kick the emperor in the balls as long as his balls are out in the open begging to be kicked! (In case you missed the analogy, all I'm saying is that as long as society insists on believing in the "beauty" of things that don't even exist, like "social justice", "safe communities", "the non-sexual nature of children" and "innocence", there will be people like me who compulsively attack the delusion!)

[J.D. September 11, 2019]

As For Justice...

According to my philosophy dictionary, the Sophists were the first philosophers to bring philosophy into the social arena. They were the first to get paid to teach philosophy, and the first to train people for the role of social leadership and administration (a.k.a. politics). They were also the ones who gave us our modern definition of justice in the social context. The Sophists were a 5th century B.C. group of famous teachers in Athens, Greece, and contemporaries of the likes of Plato and Aristotle, who also heavily influenced our modern understanding of justice.

The Sophists most notably distinguished justice as having primarily two forms: conventional, and natural. Conventional justice is what commonly passes for justice in ordinary social contexts. It primarily serves the interests of the strong (those in power), while pretending to provide "justice" for the weak in order to keep them willingly subservient (see Thrasymachos e.g.).

George Orwell illustrates the double standard of conventional justice in his book "1984", where he coined the term "double speak" to refer to the way those in power twist the meaning of words in order to render them philosophically weak and useless. Thus terms like, "justice for all", which is philosophical nonsense (i.e. a contradictory and impossible idea), is used to help keep the weak-minded masses - the "herd", as later philosophers refer to it - from being able to contemplate meaningfully and hence question "authority" (the ones who provide "justice for all", but really provide nothing except justice for themselves, or "just-us" justice).

This is what the Sophists taught to those who were to take power in ancient Greece. Of course politics today is no more than a bizarre puppet show, where the puppets themselves are weak-minded automatons who really believe they have power when they clearly have none (i.e. they are either completely delusional - as in most cases - or extremely egoistic attention seekers; or both). The ones who pull the strings these days do so from behind the scenes, never daring to expose their power, knowing that as soon as they do it will be taken from them, often by the sheep herd itself (which is what the Nazis were trying to prevent, but obviously failed in their own hubris - i.e. they had a valid idea, but not the power to do anything about it - they were weakened by the very "sickness" they sought to eradicate: self-righteous self-perception).

Essentially, according to the Sophists, justice is the interest of power. So conventional justice (a.k.a "modern justice", a.k.a. "social justice", etc.) is an illusion, or literally a kind of false justice that those in power pull over the eyes of the sheep as a means of wielding the power that they invoke in their own interest. To the Sophists, this deception was nothing less than a means of natural justice. Conventional (or false) "justice", is a lie that allows those in power to invoke natural (or true) "justice", for themselves. The truth is that real justice - natural justice, that is - can never be given, or provided, especially not by any systematic or institutional means. It can only be taken by the one who seeks it!

So, the next time someone tells you that it is wrong to take justice into your own hands, realize that what they say is just doublespeak meant to keep you weak and subservient to those in power. The truth is that there is no place else where justice belongs but in your own hands. Justice given is really just-us (those in power) taking the power of justice away.

[J.D. July 12, 2019]

The Idea of Life

What's more important, money or the idea of money?

Physical money, whether it be paper, salt, or gold, has little to no inherent value in itself. (Gold may be an exception here, but only in modern times where it has use in high-tech devices. But, in the past it was just rare and pretty, with no practical value.) It is the idea of money that makes it so valuable. So, I would argue that it is only the idea of money that has value (because of its ability to give value) and not money at all.

And, I'd say the same thing about life. The fact that no one lives forever denies the physical form of life --- our body --- any value at all. When the body dies it will cease to exist and hence lose all value. And yet the idea of life does not die with the body, just as the idea of money does not cease when our money is lost or stolen.

If you understand that the value of money is in the idea of it and not the physical form, then you will rarely have any trouble obtaining the physical form. You may be broke, but never poor, as those who understand this concept often say. And so it is true with life. When you realize that the physical form of life is not what gives it value then and only then will you be able to live according to the idea of life, never in fear of death or losing the physical form which has no real value.

This is what it means to "live forever". The body must die so the idea can live. When you realize this then you will be free from the idea of death, and the idea of life will become your religion.

[J.D. May 22, 2019]

What Judgment Does

It's okay to like and not like. But, when we invent reasons for what we like and don't like, that is judgment, and it never ends well. Trust me, I know. Everything I did wrong in my life, all the pain and injury I caused for both myself and so many others, was the direct result of all the reasons and excuses we invent for what we think and what we do. It was the result of judgment. And everything I did "right", that leads to healing and understanding, only happened when the judgment (especially within myself) stopped and I was able to see things for what they were, without excuse or reason. That was when I stopped killing and turned myself in.

I believe judgment stopped in my case because I was away from the source, in the Montana hills, with only two children who had not yet quite learned to judge. So, the strong sense of being judged faded and weakened to the point that I literally "forgot" what a "bad", "sick", and "evil" person I was. And without these judgments, or "reasons" to fear, my own judgments against those who feared me began to fail. And I lost my motivation, my "reason", and my "excuse" for what I was doing. Without judgment there is no reason to fear. And without fear there is no reason to harm. So I stopped, and turned myself in.

[J.D. May 9, 2019]