What's It Like To Be Me?

If you have ever wondered what it is like to be a notorious «serial killer», like me, then let me tell you. It is nothing like anything you can imagine; unless you can imagine what it's like to be a teacher's aide, or industrial consultant, or a drag queen, or a computer programmer/research assistant, or college graduate with numerous academic honors, or even a boy scout. I can tell you it's a lot like being all of these because I have been all of them and much more: a loving son, a caring pet owner, a loyal brother, etc.

Basically, as I have been trying to say all along with this blog, being a «serial killer» or a «sex offender» or even just a «criminal» is just another way to be a human being. We really are more alike than we are different; a lot more than you can imagine, unless you can imagine what it's like to be you!

I can.

Because I am you!

That is essentially the very truth that I realized when I stopped being a «serial killer» and became a fully realized human being for the first time since I was a very young child. It is the truth that Jesus tried to teach, and the truth that will save this world some day. At least, that's what I believe.

I am you, and you are me. So, if you really want to know what it's like to be a «serial killer» you have only to know what it's like to be yourself. Unfortunately, that is something few people ever get to remember.

[J.D. August 19, 2016]

«That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou has sent me.» - Jesus (John 17:21 KJV)

«When you became you, Zen becomes Zen. When you are you, you see things as they are, and you become one with all.» - Zen Master, Shunryu Suzuki

«The killer in you is the killer in me...» - Smashing Pumpkins, «Disarm»

Nothing Is Personal

When I was in that mountain wilderness alone with eight-year-old Shasta ready to kill her in order to further my vengeance upon the child-worshipping zealots who took so much away from me in the name of their false gods, and I suddenly had an incredible epiphany that caused me to pick the child up and carry her home instead, I knew that I had realized something important; something that could even change the world gloriously and forever if more people could only come to realize the same thing. It was a profoundly emotional realization, that took a tremendous personal sacrifice to accept. I had to abandon everything I thought I knew about myself, and about my world of experience. Essentially I had to abandon my entire “reality”, and stop believing in the illusion that had been presented to me and forced upon me so violently all my life; because in the face of the Living Truth (as I came to call it, but have since learned that It has been called many things all throughout history; put simply, it is the “One Being” that animates all “beings”, a.k.a. the Christ, a.k.a. Buddha, a.k.a. Krishna, etc.) that became my new “reality” that day.

I was “reborn” into a new way of experiencing life that made the old way no longer important to me. Suddenly vengeance, and pleasure, and even survival didn't matter anymore. Only the truth mattered; the “Living Truth”, and I have been diligently and consistently honoring this “truth” ever since (which the “official” records clearly show, since even the witnesses, head-shrinks and investigators for the prosecution in all jurisdictions have testified that I have been “extremely honest” and forthcoming even at my own detriment; and my own “defense” attorneys have claimed that my honesty is a sign of some “mental illness” --- though I don't think they themselves would put it in so many words, it is essentialy what they are claiming in my “defense” --- they say I am “crazy” because I lack personal self-interest).

I have since struggled to put this “epiphany” into words, but have come to realize that I'm not the only one. It is an epiphany that has defned the foundation of numerous systems of philosophy and world religions. It is the Ineffable Truth that so many have tried (and failed) to express throughout history using every medium imaginable: words, art, music, violence, kindness, magic, myth, and many others.

I say they have “failed”, and yet they have not. Because even though this “Living Truth” can never be imposed upon anyone by any means, it can be realized by everyone at any time. And once it has been realized, once all the illusions have been sacrificed and the one living Truth is permitted to arise, then suddenly all the words and art and music and violence and kindness and magic and myth and all the rest that was meant to express it suddenly does! And we become able to talk, sing, and otherwise communicate with each other about the Greater Reality that binds us all and allows us to see beyond such illusions as death itself.

That all being said, and which I have said before, I have recently come to realize that there is a way that I can express my “epiphany” that is simple, yet complete at the same time. I actually tried to say it like this from the very beginning, when I picked Shasta up and carried in my arms over a half mile back to the Jeep so I could drive her home. I was crying profusely, and blubbering these words over and over...

“It's not about me anymore... It's not about me!” I also interjected, “I'm not afraid anymore.” But, mostly I kept saying, “It's not about me!”

That was the best I could do at the time to sum up what I had suddenly realized. But, now I think I might be able to put it a little more concisely than that. In a nutshell, all I have been trying to say ever since that moment is that life isn't personal! It's not about US as individuals, or even US as a species. It's not about anything you can see, touch, taste, or feel physically, emotionally, or intellectually. It's all about everything and everyone, all at once! Every person, every animal, every insect is just as important as any other. If a single molecule were to suddenly to cease being precisely what it was then the entire universe would cease being right along with it. You would no longer exist, and neighter would anything you ever loved, or hated. It's simply not about you, or me, or anyone or anything.

Life isn't personal
Nor should it ever be
This is the “epiphany”
That has set me free

J.D. July 9, 2016

P.S. I should note that my “epiphany” does not change anything “personal” about me. It only allows me to see my “personal” experience as a part of something infinite; and thus, far greater than myself (personally). It also does not keep me from continuing to have and appreciate personal experiences. But, it does allow me to put those experiences into a grander perspective, that in turn gives my personal experiences a much deeper meaning. Yes, nothing is personal; but, that doesn't mean I am nothing as a person. What it means is that I am infinitely more than I ever before imagined. And that changes everything!

The Real Cause of Crime

There is a remarkable fact that sociologists and psychologists have been studying for years and yet can't seem to fully appreciate its significance. The fact that no matter how much abuse, hardship, and emotional trauma that a person experiences – especially children – they can and will recover fully and live happy “productive” lives, but only so long as they have direct and meaningful (sincere) support from the people around them. And, conversely, even the most mild and insignificant emotional discomfort can and usually does lead to a self-destructive and dysfunctional lifestyle when a person has no real emotional support.

Of course I'm only stating this fact in simple layman's terms here in order to make it a bit more relevant to our blog; but it is a well-studied phenomenon that provides cues that could lead us to a far better world if only we were more willing as a society to accept the fact that “the harm one person can do to society is far less than the harm society can do to one person” (paraphrasing Michel Foucault).

In the present world society tends to shift blame for social problems onto groups and individuals within itself. The criminal is the cause of crime, and the terrorist the cause of terrorism. But, as numerous studies have consistently shown, not to mention history itself, criminals are invariably the product of social circumstances, and terrorism the inevitable result of greedy government policies.

The “real” problem, as I see it, is that we can't force people to care genuinely about each other. Any and all attempts to do so – i.e. attempts to “control” other people's behavior – invariably results in only more chaos and confusion.

So what should we do? I say there is only one thing we CAN do: Love, and be patient. This requires us to look within ourselves for the “answers” to the crime and terror we see around us. It requires us to stop trying to control other people and stop imposing our ideas (of “justice”, for example) onto others. It also requires that we have faith in humanity, and that we come to realize that inhumanity is born in our own ignorance, not the ignorance of others (i.e. their ignorance is a reflection of our own, without exception!)

[J.D. August 2, 2016]

“What is happening inside a cancer cell cannot be fully understood without considering its place within an intricate communications network [community?] of other cells.” - George Johnson, The Cancer Chronicles

P.S. I include this quote because it seems to reflect the ontological connection that all truth has throughout nature; it is one way we might know the truth when we see it.