The Fifthnail Exposed

No Easy Solution

2012-02-12T05:02:00.001-08:00

I have often lamented the insanity and injustice of persecuting sex offenders. It is a form of madness that invariably leads to more sexually abusive behavior in our society while pretending to prevent it. But I have never offered any ideas of how to fix it.

The omission has been deliberate. I believe that once the insanity is clear then the sane thing to do will also become clear. But the “sane” thing to do is never something any human laws will ever be able to fully emulate. The only sane thing to do is to love and an accept an offender, then trust love to solve our dilemmas for us. It is a solution as old as time itself.

So the “sane” thing to do when someone rapes a child might be to simply kill the rapist immediately, out of mercy (since no one would commit such an act of violence unless they are badly wounded psychologically and in great “spiritual pain”). Or it might be to simply ignore the rapist and help the child. It all depends on what love tells us to do, not logic.

Logic is cold and incapable of compassion and understanding. So as wonderful as it is for solving scientific problems, it will never be able to solve our moral ones. (In fact, attempting to apply logic to moral questions is the very crux of the insanity of our so-called justice system. This is also why psychology, sociology and even anthropology should not be considered sciences at all. They are pseudo-relogions and will never be anything more.)

(Originally written: May 10, 2010 – 12:45 pm)

Wagering On God

2012-02-05T03:59:00.001-08:00

Pascal wrote, “You must wager...Which will you choose?... Let us weigh the gain and loss in calling “heads “ that God is. Let us weigh the two cases: if you win, you win all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager then unhesitantly that He is.”

I have heard this argument before. The fact that anyone would actually resort to such logic in their attempt to answer the single most important question of their eternal life is appalling to me. It is a good example of how our foolish reliance on reasoning prevents us from ever experiencing that which is directly in front of us. I can hardly imagine that God, however defined, would acknowledge such a superficial attempt of belief. The wager itself is a copout, one that if taken, win or lose, will cause you to lose everything.

Knowing God should be no more of an exercise in reason than knowing your own mother, in fact, even less so. To question the existence of God is to question your own existence. There is no reasoning more complex than, “Cogito, ergo sum”, necessary to reach the required solution. If there is no God, then there is nothing. God is that that is; nothing more and nothing less. To wager on His existence is to wager on your own existence. It is a fools bet.

The Fourth Principle

2012-01-29T04:52:00.001-08:00

The fourth principle flows naturally from the first three: I exist, I am eternal, and I am infinite, therefore there is nothing that I am not.

I am who I am, I am the creator of all that I experience. I do not need to be aware of my devine nature, or my infinite power. The fact, whether I realize it or not, is that I am God.

Realizing this truth is incredibly humbling. In fact, if you think you are God, but you are not humbled by the thought, then you simply do not yet realize the truth of it.

From this truth wisdom flows. As God, we can plainly see the folly of judging others, and realize how by doing so we are literally judging ourselves. We learn the value, and power of forgiveness, not as a rule, but a devine law that can never be broken. We see that all struggle is futile and pointless. Peace becomes our nature, since to struggle makes no sense to someone who truly realizes they can never die.

The Third Principle

2012-01-21T08:03:00.001-08:00

The first principle says, I exist; and the second, I am eternal. So a third principle now becomes apparent, and is really only an extension of the second principle

If I am eternal (in time) then I must also be infinite (in space) since space and time are essentially the same thing (which mystics have been saying long before Einstein came along and proved it mathematically).

Since I am infinite, the I know there is nothing that is not me! This is critically important, because it informs us that everything we experience is as much a part of who we are as anything else we experience. I am you, and you are me. To realize this in your heart is to be enlightened. To realize it in your mind is just another illusion.

The Second Principle

2012-01-14T07:37:00.001-08:00

The first principle is, “ I am cognizant, therefore I must exist”. From this it is possible to derive other important information about our existence.

For example, if I exist – as the first principle claims – then I must also be eternal. The basis for this second principle is as unshakeable as the first. Since clearly anything with a beginning (and hense an end) cannot be said to exist at all. “If it has a beginning, then it has an end; and if it has an end, then it already has.” Anything that is not eternal is only an illusion in time (and space), and therefore does not exist. So, if I exist, then I am eternal. This is what I call the second principle.

So, I do not need to be cognizant of my eternal nature in order to know that I am eternal. It is as self evident as the first principle.

The First Principle

2012-01-08T07:57:00.001-08:00

Everyone has heard René Descartes most famous axiom, “I think therefore I am”. But, few people realize the full context and profound importance of this truth.

Here is a translation of the greater context of what Descartes actually wrote:

“I observed that, whilst I thus wished to think that all was false, it was absolutely necessary that I, who thus thought, should be somewhat; and as I observed that this truth, I think, therefore I am, was so certain of such evidence, that no ground of doubt, however extravagant, could be alleged by the sceptics capable of shaking it, I conclude that I might, without scruple, accept it as the first principle of the philosophy of which I was in search.”

First of all, it is important to realize that the basis of Descartes famous assertion, as is clearly indicated above, is that, “all was false”, which is to say that nothing we experience can be considered anything more than an illusion. Forget that modern science (i.e. quantum physics) bears this out; it is self evident to any careful thinker. As Descartes himself puts it elsewhere:

“What is there then that can be considered true? Perhaps this only, that nothing is certain.”

And I myself have often stated, “The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing for sure; except I am.”

The “except I am” is my own expression of Descartes famous aforementioned axiom. Of course he actually wrote in Latin, “cogito ergo sum”. But, contemporary historians note that the correct form is, “cogito cogitationes, ergo sum”, or “cogito me cogitare, ergo sum”. Using these forms, then a better translation that more correctly reflects what Descartes was trying to say is, “I am aware, therefore I am”. Or, more precisely, “I am cognizant, therefore I am”.

The importance of this “first principle” is that there is nothing else we can be certain of, except that we exist! But Descartes did not just stop there. He went on to ask, what can be derived from this most basic truth? And while that is presently about the extent of my knowledge of Descartes, I myself can derive a second, third, and even fourth principle from his well established first.

The Perfect Poem

2011-12-31T03:11:00.001-08:00

Life is a Poem
Written by God
With only one Word
And no revisions

The Gradual Soul

2011-12-25T01:31:00.001-08:00

Nothing in nature is ever completely unique. Everything exists on a spectrum, so that any difference at all is only gradual. It is not possible for anything to exist outside of some gradual spectrum as a unique entity in and of itself with any significantly discrete characteristic. Everything has a direct predecessor and decendent of like kind. And, everything evolves, or changes over time.

This is the most basic teaching of Buddhism called transiency. It is an ancient concept, and it cannot be rationally denied. And yet it is so often ignored and even contradicted for foolish reasons.

For example, people frequently claim that the individual “soul” is uniquely human. This is an error of the gravest sort. It pretends to provide a “spiritual” means for us to experience the oneness of the universe, or to “commune with God”. But, instead all it does is instill a deep sense of separation from the spectrum of consciousness that is the source of our being and our “soul”. It teaches us that we are separate to begin with, and therefore we must find a way back.

But we are not separate to begin with. The appearance of separation from the universe, from each other, and from “God”, is only an illusion. We are perpetually joined to everything through a spectrum of consciousness.

It does not matter how you define the soul. If it exists at all, by any definition, then it exists on a gradual spectrum. And, if humans have a soul then in some form so do all other animals, reptiles, and even insects and germs.

If what you believe cannot account for this graduation of the soul, then it accounts for nothing, and you should demand something better to believe... evolve.

All That We See Or Seem...

2011-12-18T01:44:00.001-08:00

Sometimes my dreams over the course of two or more nights seem connected in ways that defy common imagination. It is the kind of connection that only some sort of factually existing alternate reality could have. I hope the following accounts of two separate dreams that I had last night and the night before will express my meaning.

First of all, for the last two nights (3-4/3-5-2011) I have been having (or perhaps just remembering) more dreams than usual. But, that is not unusual. I sometimes go a few nights with almost no dreams, and others, like the last couple, I seem to dream constantly while I am asleep. Often even I seem to start dreaming as soon as I close my eyes.

So, the dreams that follow are picked from a hodgepodge of dreams, though these two specifically occurred on separate nights and in the midst of other seemingly unrelated (and unconnected) dreams.

The first dream in and of itself was a bit unusual. In this dream I was at a well attended outdoor induction ceremony for some sort of Harry Potter like magic college. I was in fact one of the inductees, and found myself wearing scholarly (or wizardly?) black robes suitable to the occasion.

The dream seemed to begin just as I was called forward from a group of other inductees, some of whom I knew to be my friends, and was compelled to take an oath of class by the traditional means of repeating short statements that were metted out to me by the headmaster.

I remember having trouble hearing the oath I was expected to repeat, and at one point I was certain that I flubbed my lines. The headmaster paused at that very point, and the entire student body fell silently still. I was not sure if this was because my oath was complete, or if my mistake had been a drastic faux pas.

At any rate, the headmast announced my acceptance into the school and a huge cheer went up from the entire student body as well as the group of other inductees who all started dancing around in celebration.

I too started dancing and waving my arms at everyone causing my robes to ceremoniously fly all over. I even leaped into the air at one point and actually few for about twenty feet and a good ten feet off the ground with my robes fanned out around me like a giant black bird. I did this to demonstrate my own worthiness to be a member of this college, though it was apparently the extent of my ability to fly at the time.

I “flew” back to my position in the group of other inductees and rejoined some of my friends in that group. I remember excitedly explaining to them that at my graduation I would be able to soar around in the sky flying for real!

Then the ceremony continued, and another boy's (we seemed to be teenagers) name was announced and called forward to be inducted. He was also a friend, or at least someone that me and my friends knew, though he was not in our immediate group. In addition to the black robes that all of us were wearing, this next boy also had a cowl drawn up over his head and as he walked forward he turned about so everyone could see – and appreciate! - the truly sinister appearance of his face buried deep in the cowl. My friends and I commented to each other on how gastly he was. We were impressed as only teen boys could be impressed by such a thing.

Well, the dream continued for just long enough for one or two boys (whom I didn't know this time) to be similarily inducted, each followed by rampageous cheers and a brief ceremony as the boys demonstrated in one way or another their prowess, usually by climbing a tall heavy curtain that hung from the wall of a nearby building and cutting off a piece of fringe from the top. This fringe cutting was some sort of tradition that I myself felt bad about not having engaged in.

So, that was the first dream, though there were a few other details that I'll just skip. What made this dream a bit unusual was how out of character I was in the dream. The person I was in the dream was clearly very outgoing and sociable, revelling in the attention of not just his friends, but an entire student body! In real life such attention would have made me very nervous. I am usually uncomfortable with the direct attention of more than just a few people at a time, especially if I am expected to win their acceptance as in this dream. And yet, in the dream I felt only the excited anxiety of a popular and accepted teenage boy in his element. It was not “me” at all, not even close.

The second dream, the one I had just last night, was far less extravagant in detail, but nonetheless interesting for the reasons I have already asserted above; the uncanny connectedness to the first dream.

In the second dream I seemed to be some sort of student of a very old university campus. I was apparently walking between classes. I was by myself, and as I just said, there were few details that I was aware of. It was like a vague “snapshot” memory of some mundane and ordinary day in the life of a college student.

There was no conscious connection between this “campus” and the previous dream. I did not think it was a magic school, but it could have been. I did not realize I was dreaming at all. In fact, it seemed my mind, in the dream, was blank. I wasn't thinking or feeling anything in particular at all. I was just moving (walking I presume) toward a building where I knew my next class would be.

That was all. Actually, the dream continued, but I cannot remember anything except a vague memory of being inside the building, which was some sort of very old church.

Again, I emphasize that this dream was vague and in no way seemed connected to the dream from the previous night. But, at some point later in the dream I remember looking at a brochure that had an idealistic photo of the same building I had entered earlier in the dream. I remember looking at the photo and realizing that this was the brochure that my parents must have used to select the school. The picture made the building seem much grander than it was in actuality.

That was pretty much all for the second dream. Now, here is the strange connection: according to the brochure, the building in the second dream was a monastic temple, but distinctly not Christian! That would mean that I was attending classes at some clearly mystical (i.e. magical) school!

Could it be that this was the same school that I remembered (i.e. dreamed) being inducted into the night before? If so, then why did I not appear to realize this connection while I was having the second dream?

Actually, and this is the uncanniness of it, the only reason I would have realized the connection is if the connection was subjective! In other words, if the connection were not “real” (i.e. objectively existing in some other “reality”), then it would have been necessary for the connection to be established subjectively in order to provide continuity.

But, if the connection were objective, and actually existed in some “real” sense, then there would be no reason for me to realize that connection within the experience (i.e. the dream) itself. You would not expect to “realize” the connection between any two random events of your life unless you were actually relaying those events in some narrative (i.e. subjective) form.

The fact – unfortunately a fact that only I can confirm to myself – that the dreams seem objectively and not subjectively connected at the same time is what I find so astonishing! Could this be evidence that dreams can at least represent some kind of objective experience?

Or, perhaps an even more intriguing question mightbe; is there any such thing as objective reality at all?

If dreams can represent objective experience – which is not to say that they always do, just that they can – then why couldn't our everyday “reality” just be a dream?

Of course I am admittedly biased on this point, believing as I do that dreams and so-called reality are intimately connected. But, like the proponent of any unproven theory, I ger understandably excited everytime I encounter some apparent evidence supporting my belief, as these two dreams seem to do. (The real challenge, of course, is to keep my mind open to the possibility that I am mistaken; maybe dreams have nothing to do with reality. But, so far I have found no convincing evidence or argument to support such an antithesis.)

Alas, I find myself once more compelled to quote the great dreamer, Edgar Allan Poe:

“All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.”

A Delusion?

2011-12-12T06:18:00.001-08:00

Dr. Richard Wacksman is a secret government agent. He was recruited the same way all field operatives are recruited by the S.G. (a.k.a. “M.O.M.”). They caught him engaged in extremely illicit activity and used the threat of prosecution and exposure to force him to work for them. MOM routinely recuits professionals in this manner and they have tens of thousands on their payroll.

Rich was assigned to be my “handler” after I obscounded from Washington State in 1997. His orders were to make contact and befriend me, nothing more. Later he received orders to intice me to come to North Dakota, where I could be better controlled (my handlers in Seattle let me slip out of their collar) since MOM's primary base of operations are dispersed throughout the badlands in Western North Dakota (under the cover of nuclear missile silo security).

I was being trained as a “mad dog”. Mad dogs are used by MOM to keep the American social mass under control during tense social manuvering proceedures. I was “set loose” (subconsciously ordered to attack a subrural American family) as a diversion (thought I don't know what from specifically). My “training” began while I was at McNeil Island Corrections Center. I was recruited and trained subconsciously to be a mad dog, then “leashed” and placed in the community ready for action. But I slipped my leash and killed three children without “orders”. I was not exposed for the murders because I was too expensive and still servicible.

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III – April 28, 2010 – 2:25 pm)

The Mind Hunter Farse

2011-12-02T03:21:00.001-08:00

I started to read “The Mind Hunter” (a book about an FBI profiler who claims to be able to understand the mental processes of serial killers) and couldn't get past the first few chapters before I decided there was no point reading any more since it was more fictional than the five o'clock news (which is almost pure fiction).

The whole idea that serial killers somehow think differently than “normal” people is as full of hype as the idea that there is such thing as a “normal” person. If you handed an FBI profiler letter written by a catholic nun and told him it was written by someone who kills children he would point out several things about the letter that “indicate” the writer is a psychopath (this has been done in numerous studies with even more dramatic and alarming results than this simple example with nuns even hints at).

But people love to think that they are “good” and the only way they can do that is by separating themselves from people who are “bad”. And it does not matter if the thing that separates them is as superficial as skin color, or as arbitrary as sexual preference. The goal is always the same; to make ourselves feel superior to someone else.

Even though this concept has been studied and documented for hundreds of years, society in general remains as ignorant as Nazi Germany to the damage they are doing to real human beings, not to mention their own children.

When, oh when will we stop sacrificing our children to Baal?

(Originally written by Joseph E. Duncan III – May 21, 2010 – 4:20 am)

How Much Longer Must We Kill?

2011-11-25T07:54:00.001-08:00

The question anyone who supports the death penalty should ask is, will our culture always support the death penalty?

If they answer yes, then their ignorance is irrepressible. But, if they answer no, then they should ask themselves, how many more victims of the death penalty should we tolerate before we start making reparations?

(If the Confederate States had asked this question about slavery then perhaps America's most shameful war could have been averted.)

“I hold that man is in the right who is most closely in league with the future.” - Eisenhower, quoting Ibsen in his '56 acceptance speech

Just Blame Me

2011-11-17T01:23:00.001-08:00

For most of my adult life I have believed that all of my problems were other people's fault and that anything good that ever happened to me was the result of my own hard work and determination. Of course I had a lot of strong evidence to support this belief system, not to mention being raised in a culture that clings to fault finding and hero worship as if nothing else matters. Without our villains to blame and our heros to idolize most of us would feel lost in a pointless existence.

(Originally written: May 12, 2010 – 4:10 am)

Round One

2011-11-10T22:22:00.001-08:00

After admitting in this blog that I still like to masterbate to deviant fantasies, I've decided that I should re-affirm my “reasons” (i.e. ignorant rationalizations) for doing so. And the most honest way to do that is to speak from direct experience. And, since it has been some time (2 years, at least) since I actually attempted to suppress my fantasies, then the only way for me to speak from direct experience is to suppress my fantasies now, otherwise I would just be relaying what I remember from the last time I did so, and memory is never a reliable witness.

So a couple of days ago I decided to actively suppress my fantasies, and this is what I have realized so far:

As usual, my mind has come up with some seemingly fresh and appealing reasons for NOT giving in to my fantasies. These reasons, as usual, relate mostly to my current interests and experience. I'm reading some books on ESP that talk about OBEs (Out of Body Experiences) and NDEs (near-death experiences). This subject interests me because of the vivid lucid dreams I frequently have, as well as other experiences in my life that seem to indicate that there is much more to life than meets the senses (hense, “extra-sensory”). So my mind has come up with reasons to not indulge deviant fantasies based on these experiences.

For example, what if ESP is real, and my thoughts (and fantasies) are projected into the collective unconsciousness of the world? Then I could be causing real harm without even realizing it!

Actually, I have thought of this before, but it seems fresh to me because of the books I am reading about ESP, that have changed my view somewhat on the topic of paranormal science. (I used to think it was a bunch of hocus-pocus, but after reading “The Conscious Universe” by Dean Radin, I am convinced that there is real scientific evidence for ESP, that has been systematically suppressed by the establishment.)

But, as has happened thousands of times in the past, a stack truth has stepped into my consciousness, a truth that I have never been able to deny (though I have often tried). The truth is this: I cannot trust what I think! I am still just learning to trust my actual experience again, after being so long out of contact with it because of what I thought. My delusions have destorted my experiences for so long, for awhile I was having a really hard time distinguish the two (i.e. separating my experiences from my delusions). So any thought I have that suggests a course of action (i.e. behavior) is extremely suspect. Especially if that thought is detached from experience, as any such thoughts of ESP usually are (sort of).

Of course, I could rationalize that my experiences seem to support ESP, but unless I have some kind of direct unequivocal support (books and dreams are not enough) then I cannot give credence to the idea. This does not mean that I reject ESP, or the possibility that my fantasies could be doing real harm to the world still. It just means that I cannot base my decisions on such ideas, since they are, as yet, unconfirmed. To me, the rational that it is better to believe in God, because if He is real then you “win everything”, and if He is not real then you “lose nothing”, is a lie. If you believe in God and He is not real, then you lose any chance you might have had at discovering what IS real! And that IS everything! This rational applies to all questionable truths, not just whether or not God is real.

And now my mind counters; but how will you know if ESP is real or not, if you don't TRUST it? Ah, now there is the classic zealot's parry! And a tempting fient to boot! But, an experienced “swordsman” knows better than to attack such logic. It is a clever circular reference that turns the energy of any attack back onto the attacker. No rational argument can overcome this “faith defense”. But it can be undermined, by simply observing that the same could be said for any belief!

And my mind is familiar with this backhanded attack as well, so it says, ah yes, but should you not at least explore the possibility? Otherwise you would never learn anything at all!

And there my mind has a valid point, touché! My only counter is to conceed the bout, or, make a desperate thrust for the heart; at what point, I ask my mind, should I stop “exploring” one possibility and turn my attention to some other?

My mind easily answers this question; when you have run out of new territory to explore.

Ah ha! My own fient worked! My mind has dropped it's guard and left me an opening at the end of the match for a counter-point: All of this, I say, IS old territory!

I have had such bouts with my own mind so many times that the only real challenge is to come up with moves that I haven't thought of before. And this I do as well, for both sides.

All this of course is an illustration of only a single round of an ongoing battle that I invariably get into when I try to suppress my fantasies. In fact, the ultimate reason that I stopped trying to suppress them is primarily to simply avoid this battle, and enjoy a little peace. If some harm is really being done by my fantasies, then it must come to the surface of my consciousness sooner or later. I can't force it to the surface by “believing in it” or I risk creating another delusion. I only believe in what I can experience directly and so far that is only one thing... me! Or, more succinetly; who I am (which if you read this blog at all you will know is not in any selfish sense at all – I believe that all things are caused by me, even you! So I believe in you too, or, at least I would if we ever met, that is, if you ever became a part of my direct experience).

And so, the battle rages on, in this case for your benefit, not mine. I still prefer the peace that comes from not resisting or trying to control my fantasies at all, but instead just observing them (in a safe environment) and letting them teach me what they may.

(Originally written on December 7, 2010)

God Is Who I Am (And Who You Are)

2011-11-05T03:17:00.001-07:00

Presume there is One God.

If God knows everything I know, then God is who I am, and then some (albeit, an infinite “some”). Think about this.

Let me say it another way.

I am the sum of my experiences. To be sure, by “experiences” I mean to include all internal as well as “external” experience (though I quote “external” because technically all experiences are strictly internal and only seem “external” to us). So all my thoughts, feelings, memories, moods and other characteristics are all, “my experiences”. Even “who I am” as a person is included in this definition of experiences.

So if God knows everything I know, then God knows all of my experiences, including the experience of “who I am”. In order for God to know “who I am”, God must experience “who I am”. And the only way to experience that is to also experience my limitations!

This is important. God cannot know me, unless God experiences “who I am” in the exact same way that I experience “who I am”, with all limitations!

Is that even possible? Well, according to the Bible, yes! What do you think the whole concept of Jesus is about? Over and over Jesus tells us, “I am just a man, not to be worshipped. And yet I am the infinite God, whom you must obey.” Jesus was “God made flesh”, which means “limited god”. Christians admit that Jesus was “limited and unlimited at the same time”. But they conveniently forget the significant and the importance of the limited aspects of Jesus. (Though the book of Hebrews spends considerable effort attempting to emphasize the importance of the Christ's limitations, without which he could not be a mediator between God and man.)

Now think about it some more.

Wasn't Jesus really just trying to tell us that God knows us, and even while knowing us God still loves us? Wasn't the profundity of the message of Christ that we are known, and loved? Jesus was only trying to tell us that our “salvation” depends on our realization that we are accepted (“forgiven”) by God “the Father” who knows us “through the son”, which means “in the limited sense of our being!”

The message of Christ is not some supernatural devine new law or decree sent by God. It is simply an affirmation of our relationship to God “the Father”. A new understanding of the ancient and eternal reality!

You shouldn't need religion to realize this!

(Originally written on November 11, 2010)

Murdering God

2011-10-31T01:26:00.001-07:00

It may be better for a man to commit murder and admit he was wrong than for a man to do nothing and believe he is right. The one murders the flesh and learns the truth, while the other preserves the flesh, but murders God.

How do you murder God? Easy, just ask the pharisees. (Hint: The Romans killed Jesus, but the pharisees were the ones who murdered him. Murder is a choice, not an act; though it often results in violent acts)

System Of Abuse

2011-10-21T06:05:00.001-07:00

If the checks and balances that are in place to protect us from abuse of authority are not secure enough to protect us from an x-convict who is given authority, then they are not secure enough to protect us at all.

By restricting positions of authority to those without a record of irresponsible behavior we only foster an illusion of non-abuse, while at the same time establishing a system ripe for abuse by those who are more adept at getting away with it, if not more prone to do it.

The officials in the position of authority are the ones most deceived by this illusion, since it promotes their self image of being a “good guy”, even as they routinely engage in abuses that would make most criminals look like kind hearted idiots.

For all its worth, the system itself spends almost all of its energy defending the illusion of protecting society. A significant portion of this effort goes directly and indirectly into propagating the very threats it then pretends to protect us against.

The saddest part of this insanity is that it is well documented and has been expounded upon by numerous people since the system was born thousands of years ago.

But, the system itself is a master of deception, which means it can evade the truth better than any master illusionist. Even its ability to deceive so many and keep people generally blinded to any attempt (such as this blog) to expose the truth, has been written about in incredible detail. But its defenses are seemingly impenetrable.

Seemingly.

The Ugly Truth

2011-10-14T08:12:00.001-07:00

The truth, no matter how ugly it seems to us, is the very Heart of the Universe, in the same way that a child, no matter how ugly it seems to others, is the heart of its own mother – even if that truth, or that child, is as “ugly” as me.

Ride Free

2011-10-09T04:58:00.001-07:00

On the way back from the jail shower this morning February 3, 2011, one of the deputies who was escorting me mentioned a biker video and his wish that he could just ride free like the bikers in the video. I piped up and said, “But oh, you can!”

He replied, “Yah, but how would I put gas in the bike?” and I stupidly retorted, “You'd figure out a way, legally, to do it. People would feel for you and help you out.”

I wish we could have carried on the conversation, but before we could get much further we were back at my cell and the deputy removed the handcuffs and then went about his duties.

I've been here in Riverside county jail for over two years now, and I have never had a single conversation with any of the jail staff. The most I have ever spoken with them is in little snatches, like this morning, and even then only rarely. Usually when I am being escorted I keep quiet, which I suspect the deputies prefer since any conversation at all with me could potentially land them in a witness box, a fate that they generally rue.

But, if I could have continued our conversation this morning I would have liked to explain to that deputy (who seems to be a genuinely nice person) that he wouldn't need to depend on handouts for gas either (which even I would not abide). With just a little planning he could arrange to work for his fuel as needed (which wouldn't be much if the bike were in good condition), or even live off investments.

I would have enjoyed discussing the possibilities because it is something that I have often thought about. In my thoughts (and I mentioned this also to the deputy just before our conversation was cut off, but did not have a chance to explain), if I had just jumped on a bike and took off after the first time I got out of prison then I would never have felt the need to “get even” (i.e. rape and murder) with society.

Why? Because I would have been FREE! The entire time I was on parole I never felt free and frequently expressed this sentiment to anyone who would listen, especially the parole officers. I thought I would feel free after I got off of parole, but the sex offender laws would never allow that either.

I was confined to being a “sex offender” for the rest of my life and this confinement amounted to numerous and often painful restrictions on my existence. It determined were I could live, work, even play. I couldn't even engage in normal adult social activities without feeling the chains of my confinement chaffing against my psyche. The sex offender laws made me a pariah; state sanctioned discrimination in the most insidious form ever, driving sex offenders to re-offend by undermining their social support structures. Study after study prove that a good social support structure is essential to keeping an x-offender out of trouble. So why do we keep passing laws that make it practically impossible for a person to be socially accepted?

Because we love sex crimes in the news that's why. The popular media cashes in on this perverse love all the time, so there's no point in denying it. I never had a chance to not reoffend, it was just a matter of time.

But, if I had ridden off on a bike I could have escaped the prison of pariahism (hey, I know that's not a real word, but just go along with me here) by remaining anonymous and slipped the sex offender chains completely. So my frustration would not have festered in stagnant confines of social laws and I would not have ever felt the need to lash out in desperation at the perceived source of my misery.

There are actually many “sex offenders” who have made this kind of escape from social bounds, which the authorities are only too happy to constantly remind us. It implies that the reason sex crimes aren't going away in spite of all the intense new laws, is because of all the “unregistered sex offenders” out there. But what they don't tell you is that as a group, “unregistered sex offenders” are practically invisible (i.e. ott the criminal justice radar). That's because very few of them reoffend. The overwhelming majority of them who do get arrested do so for not registering, not for committing some new crime. And every single one of them site the same reason for not registering: so they can socialize without fear, not so they can commit new crimes.

I don't suppose I'll ever get a chance to say all this to any of the deputies here in jail, though the information (in the right mind) could go a long way toward helping someone understand why I did what I did, and much more importantly, suggest ways to keep it from happening again (hint: killing me to “send a message” is not only barbaric, it only makes the problem worse!)

Someday society will understand, and maybe then we'll all ride free!

What Is An NDE?

2011-09-30T04:56:00.001-07:00

After I inadvertently revived the nine year old boy (Dylan), that I had hung by the neck until he stopped breathing and let loose his bowels (which commonly occures when lower brain function is lost), the first words he spoke were, “I thought I was in heaven...”

I immediately asked him what he meant. He told me, “I saw a light... I thought it was heaven.” I questioned him more about his obvious near-death experience (NDE) later on, and he told me that the last thing he remembered about being hanged was me pushing his head down so he couldn't breath. The next thing he remembered was floating in a pitch black space, and then he saw a light in the distance that started getting bigger (closer?). He “felt” that the light was heaven. Then the next thing he remembered was that his neck was suddenly really sore and he was laying on his back on the floor (of the cabin) and I was yelling questions at him.

After I saw that he was conscious (moaning and in pain) I started demanding that he tell me his name and how old he was. I did this to see if his higher brain functions were working (I was aware that he could have been brain damaged from lack of oxygen to the brain).

When we spoke later I told Dylan that the light may or may not have been significant. I explained to him that there were different theories about what he experienced, but it was a commonly reported experience from people who nearly die.

After telling him what little I knew about current NDE theories (from heaven to hypoxia), I asked him if he still thought it was heaven that he saw. He shrugged and said he didn't know. I also asked him if he could choose between “there” (the light) and “here” (being alive) which he would choose. With only a slight hesitation he said he'd rather be alive.

Because of Dylan's NDE I decided recently to read up on the latest information about them. Not much has changed since I last read about such things. Everyone seems to think they know what NDEs are, but I'm not convinced by any of them. I don't really have my own theory, but I don't think anyone else has a good theory either.

I don't believe that the OBEs (out of body experiences) that typically go along with NDEs are any more (or less) real than dreams. But I also think that our dreams are perhaps the best clue we have as to the nature and possible significance of the NDE.

In fact, I'm convinced that dreams hold the key to the nature of the universe itself. If we ever come to understand what a dream is then we will also then understand reality itself, not to mention NDEs.

After all “(everything) we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.” And that's what I believe (thank you Poe).

Survival Without Struggle

2011-09-23T12:04:00.001-07:00

The principle behind all martial arts is survival without struggle. This principle flows naturally from the knowledge that it is not possible to fail.

This is not the same as saying, “Failure is not an option”, which only invites struggle. Instead, a martial artist says, “Regardless of the outcome, I will not fail.” If I am defeated, then I will become stronger. And if I am victorious, then I will humbly look for a stronger opponent.

There is no anxiety or apprehension. There is no struggle in the conflict; only an exchange of power and a transformation of being.

This is the way of the peaceful warrior. It is the way of the shamman, the Christ, and the Buddha. It is the only way that makes any sense at all.

God Is A No-Brainer

2011-09-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

As soon as you start to think about whether or not God exist, or even about what God expects from us if He does exist, then you have already completely missed the point.

God is a no-brainer. If you don't have a relationship with Him that does not depend on what you think, then you have not yet realized what your relationship to Him is.

Most people who call themselves agnostic are actually closer to God than most people who call themselves Christian. This should be obvious to anyone who has stopped thinking about God and started knowing Him.

Most agnostics believe in the self as the only arbitrator of their existence. Because of this, without realizing it, they have identified their connection, and hense their real relationship to God.

Just because they don't call it God, or Jesus, or Buddha, or Krishna, or anything at all, does not change what “It” is. Only a person who is caught up in the delusions of the mind would let words inform their relationship to the Universe, God, Self, whatever.

The fly knows as well as I, that God is, and cannot lie.

My brain thinks it knows God too, yet still asks, “Why?” instead of “Who?”

Demonstrations Of True Love

2011-09-09T07:24:00.001-07:00

I have written a lot about the nature of love, faith, hope, fear, ignorance and many other things, but nothing I have ever written has ever been meant to imply that things should be any different than what they already are.

I have written about our destiny as a world, and about the lessons we have yet to learn before true peace can be known. But that does not mean that things are not already as they should be. In order for us to learn and grow we must make mistakes, even hurt each other and ourselves. So, when I say we must love unconditionally, I do not mean that we are wrong, bad or evil, if we do not love so. The truth is that we do love each other unconditionally already, but only a few of us yet realize it (and even I can not yet say honestly that I am one who realizes).

To say we must love unconditionally is really only saying that we already do. But it takes true faith (which is no more than the complete dominance over fear) in order to realize it. Once we do realize our love for each other then it becomes no longer necessary to demonstrate that love; it becomes pointless to continue pretending to not love each other, which is how we so often attempt to unconsciously demonstrate our love. We pretend to hurt each other for the same reason a child pretends to cut open another child while playing doctor, or even to shoot and kill their best friend while playing at war. It is a game (how can anyone deny that it is a game after honestly observing the silly rules, a.k.a. laws and reasons, that we play these games according to to) that we play as an immature species, in order to learn for ourselves the ways of the much greater Universe that we must some day inherit.

So everything is exactly as it should be, but never as it will always be. Life is change, change means death and rebirth. Life is eternal after all.

Unemotional Love

2011-09-02T04:06:00.000-07:00

Real love is not an emotion. A friend of mine once told me that real love is a choice. I thought and understood at the time, but I didn't. I thought he meant it was a choice to feel love for someone. But now I realize that real love is a choice to make someone else your top priority in life. Even if doing so causes you to feel unloved and forgotten, or any other emotional pain. Real love does not seek emotional pleasure, but finds happiness in suffering. As long as that suffering is for another person.

This can be confusing if it is not understood beyond words. For example, some people confuse masochistic suffering as real love. But in that case they are also confusing emotional pleasure with true happiness. True happiness, like true love, is not an emotion. It is simply a form of knowledge without confusion and doubt. It is knowing your purpose, and your ability to fulfill that purpose. Not a vague or imagined purpose. But a real and clear purpose that makes you smile when you think about it, even if you are in deep pain.

Another common mistake people make is thinking that love must be recipricated. True love is rarely recipricated, at least not in the present world. This is because real love is so rare in this world. The odds of two people being able to genuinely love each other actually meeting is very small. And even when such people do meet, they tend to unconsciously repell each other. Unless they come in close intimate contact. In that case they will lock into each other and become one. But this is extremely rare in the present world, and when it does happen it usually goes unnoticed by all but the two (or even rarer, three) who have become one.

I believe our destiny as a world is for everyone to become locked into each other to form one global “body-mind”. And I'm not the only one who believes this. I believe it because of what I have experienced within myself as reflected in the world. In other words, because of my direct experience, not because of something someone told me, or something I read. I always emphasize, it is not something that can be understood with words. It must be experienced. And so must real love, and real happiness.

Real love is when someone else's happiness is imperative to your own. And enlightenment is when everyone else's happiness is imperative to your own. And we make others the happiest by honestly being who we are.

Projective Identification Of Discompassion

2011-08-26T04:55:00.001-07:00

To imagine that it is possible for a person to live without compassion (“human monsters”) is a vice of ignorance.

We often convince ourselves of this possibility when we ourselves observe discompassion in our own thoughts and behavior.

Rather than take responsibility for this perceived failing in ourselves, we unconsciously shift it out into the world upon some convenient entity that seems insensitive to our experience.

And in order to prevent ourselves from realizing the connection between what we project and our own internal fallacy, we exaggerate the fault in the externalized form to the very extreme of its manifestation. We imagine that the target of our projected discompassion is a completely heartless human being with no sympathy at all (and therefore, ironically, deserving of our own lack of sympathy and compassion).

Because of this, some psychologists (and philosophers) say that we “become the monsters that we imagine”. But, the truth is that the only reason we imagine the monster in the first place is because it was already living inside us.

The “monsters” we perceive in the world are invariably products of our own discompassion, and the “evil” that they do is no more than a manifestation of our attempt to deny responsibility for the ugliness inside of ourselves.

Som is “society” to blame for the monsters it imagines? Not at all! No one is to blame. The so-called monsters themselves are no less, and no more, to blame than anyone else; they do the same counter-projecting back onto society (or other people who project onto them).

No one can be “blamed” for not taking responsibility. In fact, blaming someone, even yourself, is just another way to not take responsibility. This is why I don't “blame” society for w anting to kill me (at least, not since I surrendered almost six years ago). If I blame them, or even myself, then I accomplish nothing. So instead I focus on what I can do to be responsible for what has happened, without blaming anyone.

If society wants to blame me, and project their discompassion onto me, to hide from their own responsibility, that's okay, for them. But not for me.

You Tell Me

2011-08-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

I just realized that to think in terms of our “relationship” to other people, or to the universe, or even to “God”, is a tremendous mistake.

A relationship implies a connection between two or more entities over some distance. The form of connection itself is not important. It can be either physical or simply metaphorical. The important aspect of a relationship is the distance between the entities being related to each other, not the form os connection.

The reason the distance is so important is because without it there is no need for a relationship! Without distance no “connection” of any sort is required. In fact, without distance, no “connection” is even possible. Because without distance there is only one entity, not two.

So, before we can have a relationship we must establish a distance and hense separation from the entity that we wish to have a relationship with. And that's the problem; distance and separation are scientifically – not to mention metaphysically – known to not exist!

Scientist call it “nonlocality”. It was first theorized in the 1960's by John Bell and later proven in numerous lab experiments based on Bell's theorem. And it's not what Bell's theorem proves that makes it so astounding; it's what it disproves! Bell's theorem, ans the consequent rigorous scientific experiments, disproves the concept of “locality”, or “separation between physical objects”.

In other words, distance between objects is scientifically proven to be impossible. This is the “quantum enigma”, that baffled Einstein until he died (Bell's theorem was intended to directly address Einstein's assertion that quantum theory was “incomplete” because it could not account for the locality of objects in space, i.e. distance and separation).

So, there you have it. It is impossible for us to have a “relationship” with anything or anyone, because we are not separated!

This is obviously what “mystics” have been saying all along.

The Bible does not say that Jesus is our “connection” to God. It says over and over that He is God, and He is Us! He is “in us” and we are “in Him” at the same time; not separate at all!

The Buddha taught that it is impossible to become enlightened; we can only be enlightened. Becoming something implies a distance (in time) that must be bridged (connected). But, “being” recognizes that no such distance exists.

So what are we waiting for? What's keeping us from believing what we already know to be true?

What are we afraid of?

You tell me!

Beyond Evolution

2011-08-12T07:08:00.001-07:00

Natural selection is not something that only effects genetic material. It is dynamically intertwined with reality itself. Even the very thoughts we think are result of a process that selects which ideas come into our conscious awareness according to the successfulness of the idea in competition with other ideas. A completely conscious person can actually become aware of this process and even consciously modify the selection criteria. Partially conscious people also modify the selection criteria of their awareness all the time, but they do it unconsciously.

This process – conscious or unconscious – is the basis of intelligence itself. What we perceive as intelligence in ourselves is the result of a process that extends out into our world, and even into the universe. Our brains are no more than organic transceivers for this intelligence. The more we open ourselves to it, the more “intelligent” we seem.

It is not possible to have any thoughts independent of your experience. Even basic instinctive urges are motivated by experiences that are stored in your genetic material, much as complex psychological reactions are the response to experiences stored in the synapses of your brain.

Yes, this implies that we are no more than automatons, or at least our bodies are. Yet, the intelligence that our bodies (and minds) respond to is WHO we really are. Enlightenment is the event of identification with the intelligence, and source of our physical form and all experience. Delusionment is the event of mistaken identification with the experience itself.

Both enlightenment and delusionment are necessary for any experience to occure at all. They are the fundamental events of reality. To have one, you must have the other. It is the constant transition from one to the other that comprises what we call experience.

What Exactly Is Karma?

2011-08-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

I have read many things about Karma, but nowhere have I ever read about how to realize what Karma is without being told.

If you can't realize something without being told, then that thing is either false, or not significant to the truth. This is why I try to emphasize discovering the truths that I write about for yourself and never just take my – or anyone else's – word for it. The truths you discover may or may not correspond with what I write, but it does not matter if they do or not. The only thing that matters is that you can feel and experience the truth, so that it is real to you. It does not have to be real for me or anyone else; only for you.

Karma is real to me, but not in the same way that it is often expressed by other people. My experience of Karma is a real and direct experience, not something I have read somewhere.

Karma, as I experience it, transcends time. It is instantaneous and eternal at the same time. Not only do I receive back all the enrgy, both yin and yang, that I put into the universe, but I receive it back at the exact moment that I express it, and I receive it back for all of eternity also.

We can be (and ere) forgiven for anything we do, but we can never escape the consequences! Karma forces us to live with the consequence of out actions for all of eternity, past and future. I suffer today for crimes that I will not commit until a hundred years from now. And I reap the joy of compassion that I expressed two thousand years ago at the same time.

This is the Karma I know through my direct experience. But even as such it is not a static belief unsubject to change. My experience of Karma could be different tomorrow, and I will let it be different if it wants to. Who am I to determine what Karma should be? I will let it be what it wants to be without judging it, but always heeding what it has to teach me.

Desire, My Friend

2011-07-29T04:35:00.001-07:00

For some reason a lot of people seem to think that desire is an obstical to absolute truth. But I doubt if that is what Christ, or even the Buddha meant when they indicated that we must overcome, or control, desire in order to come closer to God (the ultimate truth).

Desire itself is obviously a completely natural and even critically necessary part of nature. Without desire we would not feed, procreate, or even breath. So how do we “overcome” something that is such a fundamental part of our existence?

Obviously we cannot get rid of desire. Somehow we must make our peace with it. The same can be said about death as well. The Bible tells us that when The Christ returns He will put death “beneath His feet”. It does not say that death will be destroyed, or otherwise illuminated at all. Instead, it clearly indicates that death will be a servant (that's what “beneath His feet” means).

So perhaps desire is meant to be our servant as well. Maybe the idea is to be able to control and direct our desires, not to simply illuminate them.

William Blake wrote, “Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained;...”

I think Blake is right. Strong desire cannot be restrained by any human effort. Most people realize this to be true, but then they say that with “God's help” we can overcome any desire. But, if that were true then why is the innermost sanctum of every church plagued with uncontrolled desire of usually the most base sort? Even St. Paul wrote of God's refusal to assist him in overcoming his own “affliction” (with desire), and he wrote extensively about his own struggles with it (though most “Christians” prefer to ignore, or even worse, “interpret”, what Paul wrote in order to support their own beliefs, of course).

So, if we cannot restrain desire, what are we expected to do with it when it interferes with our communion with the Ultimate Truth? Well, if there were an answer to that question that could be simply put into words then there probably would never have been a “fall from grace” in the first place. Yet, while I can't speak for everyone, I can express my own thoughts on the one approach to this dilemma that seems most honest to me.

I think we should become friends with our desires! Rather than pushing them away, which only forces them to become more devious and manipulative, we should embrace them, “talk” to them, and more importantly, “listen” to them. As we get to know them we will find (at least I have) that they are a lot like people, and not “bad” people at all!

Of course, in order to befriend our desires we must learn to communicate with them. I find that the best way to do this is to start by “listening” carefully. In practical terms that means paying conscious attention to them. I “listen” most intently to my own desires while I am meditating.

Of course, I also “listen” carefully while I am engaging them. I think most people “tune out” when they are “giving in” to their desires. This is a mistake. It promotes detachment and alienation from an important part of yourself, namely your desires.

I have come to realize that my desires are so much like individual people, with egos and the whole nine yards, that if I treat them with love and respect they in turn tend to treat me the same way. Likewise, I have found that by ignoring them and berating them disrespectfully I only end up incurring the same treatment from them.

My desires seem to behave in complete disregard for my feelings and interests if I don't treat them with the same love and respect that I would give my own children. And in many surprizing ways, they are exactly like my own children! Sri Aurobindo seems to understand this as well. He writes that our thoughts (and desires), “... are forms, and have an individual life, independent of their author”. In his book, Powers Within, Aurobindo discusses this concept at great length and expounds on the importance of recognizing our thoughts as our own children that we send out into the world to find their way, and whom eventually “return home” to you.

If we try to control our desires with threats and intimidation, then, like children, they end up rebelling against us and even intentionally acting in spite of us. But if we listen to them, and try honestly to understand and love them as an extension of ourselves, then maybe they will even confide in us what their own desires are! To achieve this level of communication takes time and patience. But once you have gained their trust, then they will share their own motivations with you; motivations that they normally keep to themselves (“unconscious” to you) out of fear that you might turn this knowledge against them. It is in effect like knowing the name of a demon. It gives you power over it, but it does not let you destroy it. How you use that power will ultimately determine your eternal fate.

So, I believe that the only true path to lasting and meaningful control over your desires is to develope a mutually loving and respectful relationship with them. Get to know them, and let them get to know you. Like any parent-child relationship, it is important that you yourself set a good example. You can only do this of course, by coming to know and understand your own purpose (i.e. primary motivation) in life. If you do not already know this, then I'd suggest you find out. It is YOUR True Name, the one that will or will not be found “written in the book of life” at the “end of days”. If you ever expect your children to respect and obey you, and tell you their “names”, then you will have to tell them yours.

If we think of God as “Love”, then perhaps it is only with his help after all that we will ever win the obediance from our desires that can only come with love and respect. In this case God is perhaps teaching us by example (as I believe He always does). He never asks us to do what He Himself isn't willing and able to do; not even be a human being with human desires!

If your desires are completely out of control (as mine clearly were when I raped and murdered children), then you cannot expect to earn their love and respect overnight; or even at all, especially if they are relatively “grown” and mature desires. But, with enough patience and time, you can come to know your desires well enough to at least befriend them. And if, like me, your relationship with your desires is severely strained with a painful past, then perhaps a friendship is the best you can hope for. In that case you will have little hope of ever winning their devotion and obedience, but at least you can be friendly (non-abusive) with each other, and talk, share secrets (which otherwise would remain “unconscious” to you), and perhaps even dance arm-in-arm once in a while, as good friend should.

The Coldest Blooded Killer Of All

2011-07-23T04:30:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been a bully? Think honeslty about this, because the truth in this matter can be very enlightening.

When I was a kid, more often than not I was the victim of bullying, in school, in my neighbourhood and even in my own family. But on one or two occasion I clearly remember becoming the bully. And I remember the reason I did so in every case: peer preasure.

I once turned on my own best friend, simply because for a rare moment I felt accepted by a group of other boys for doing so. I actually tried to apologize to him later, but he just shrugged it off and said it was okay, he understood, which made me feel even worse.

But I didn't understand. It was the first time I ever really sucumbed to peer preasure. As a younger child, for some reason, peer preasure did not seem to a part of my awareness.

Once, around age six, I was playing with a group of other boys around my age in a playground sandbox. Suddenly several of the other kids started yelling, “Oh no! Here comes that stupid German kid!” (we lived on an Army base in Germany, and sometimes German families would come visit the American families on base). All the other kids scattered; except me. I just continued playing with my toy jeep in the sandbox as I watched the unfamiliar boy approach. He came straight up to me since I was the only child who didn't run away from him and began a jovial thought mostly one-sided conversation with me in German.

So what happened between the age of six and fifteen, when with a group of other boyscouts on a camping trip I started calling my best friend names along with the other scouts because he was the only kid who couldn't run fast enough to jump up onto the the supply truck for a free ride back to the campsite? Mob mentality; a.k.a. peer preasure, that's what happened. It is the coldest blooded killer of all.

Dancing With Desire

2011-07-15T06:15:00.001-07:00

How do we dance with desire? Oh, but how we have forgotten. Our children will help us remember. They dance so well, without thought, or inhibition. They dance too, without shame or sin.

This is the dance; to be free to move, to speak, to show how we feel. This is the dance, consciousness arisen. To know only the truth, and fear only one false move. This is the dance, unforgotten .

To dance with desire is to dance in God's arms; safe, loved protedted, desired. It is also to dance in our neighbour's front yard, unbidden; insane to a world that is insane to you.

It is what want wants. It is what need gets. It is what desire is. To dance with desire is to live, knowing only that you are alive, and will be forever.

Samurai Me

2011-07-07T23:44:00.001-07:00

I suspect, but so far only suspect, that my present incarnation was designed to teach me humility. And given the obvious intensity of the lesson, if indeed it is a lesson, perhaps there was a nearly insurmountable amount of vanity and pride in some other life that I am compelled to account for.

I once had a very vivid dream that I was a samurai provincial lord waiting on the side of a hill for first light over a small village. In the dream I understood that it was necessary to kill everyone in the village, men, women, and children, as a way to control the prosperity of my province. I did not feel bad about what I had to do, it was just “necessary”, that was all. In fact, even though I knew my samurai warriors would attack the village very soon – it was predawn and they were to move in and start killing the people as they slept at dawn – I was preoccupied with thoughts of a teenage boy lover.

The dream was so real and detailed, and contained numerous elements that intrigued me enough that I decided to read what I could find about samurai.

I discovered several things in the dream that were historically plausible that I was not consciously aware of when I had the dream.

For example it was not unusual or even unsavory for a samurai to have a boy lover. If anyone had enough nerve to say anything derogatory about a samurai's sexual exploits they would likely be killed, or end up having to kill the samurai that they derided as a matter of honor if they themselves were also a samurai (if they were a subordinate samurai then they would be required to kill themselves).

Also, the killing of an entire village as a form of “management” was very common. I would never have imagined this to be true before my dream. But even before I confirmed it in a history book I knew the dream was right. It just made sense somehow.

At one point in this same dream I encountered a completely incongruous character; a man lounging in a reclining lawn chair wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts sipping on a margarita, who seemed to be watching me as if he were enjoying a show.

In character with the samurai I believed myself to be, I drew my sword and raised it over my head in a challenging manner and charged down the hill toward what to my mind was an invader. But to my consternation the strange man, though clearly unarmored and at my mercy, showed no fear at all!

Precisely because he showed no fear, and ONLY because he showed no fear, I stopped my attack. I believe there was some baffling exchange of words, but I no longer remember the nature of the exchange. But the interesting point here is that I behaved exactly as I only learned later that a samurai might behave in such a situation. The strangers lack of fear and obvious poise caused me to assume he had more power than me. This is very much a samurai kind of rational, or so I read later, after the dream.

I also read that samurai tended to be very conscientious in regard to their role and purpose in this world. It would not be unusual at all for a samurai to earnestly question the purpose of his own existence. While of course the samurai were never supposed to question their role or their loyalties as samurai, they often did dedicate their lives toward higher purpose.

So, it would not be unfathomable to suspect that if I were once a samurai lord in some other life that perhaps even then I knew that I needed an entire lifetime (at least one, maybe more) of abject humulity in order to counteract the extreme imbalance and disconnectedness that one lifetime of a severely proud and vane samurai lord would likely have wrought.

Or maybe I'm just subconsciously trying to make myself feel better about all the terrible things I have to be ashamed of in this life. Who knows? Anything is possible!

Christian Love

2011-07-01T11:04:00.001-07:00

Shortly after my arrest in 2005, a Christian minister from a local parish came to visit me. I told him the following story in order to illustrate my understanding of divine love. The minister was so impressed by the story that he worked it into his next Sunday sermon. It was not well received.

Imagine that you walk into your young son's bedroom and find a naked man standing over your child's bed covered in blood. You look down and to your horror see the nude and sexually mutilated body of your child laying in a large pool of blood on the mattress. Your son is clearly dead.

When you look back at the man you see that he is holding a knife, also covered with blood, that he obviously used to murder your child. He waves the knife at you menacingly and warns you with wild eyes and a sinister smile to stay away.

Instead of attacking the man, or running away, you speak calmly and with steady assurance, and tell the man, even as your heart wrenches and tears pour down your face, that you forgive him, and that you understand why he has done this terrible thing.

Your tears and pain are for the loss of your son and equally for the terrible state of pain and confusion and desperation that you sense in the man who has killed your son. You beg the man to let you help him, and he is so stunned that he just stands still while you pick up one of your child's shirts from the floor and use it to whipe your own son's blood off of the murderers body.

Gradually the murderer realizes you are no threat to him and he lets you lead him into the bathroom, where you run water and provide him with what he needs to get the rest of the blood off.

After he gets dressed, you take him into your kitchen and prepare some food to his order for him to eat. When he finishes, you tell him again that he is forgiven, and more importantly, that you love and understand him. You try to make him understand that you can feel his pain and confusion.

Eventually the man leaves, and you call the police to report the murder. The police don't believe your story about the man who killed your son, especially when you tell them with tears in your eyes that you forgave him and let him walk away. They arrest you and soon you are charged, convicted, and sentenced to die for the crime. But, of course, your only “crime” is love.

Actually this is an embellished version of the story I told the minister back in 2005. But the points it illustrates are the same. This is how Gos loves us, and it is how His Son commanded that we love each other.

The minister I told this story to later told me that several of his parishioners withdrew from his church's congregation when they learned the source of this story and that he was visiting me in jail.

The minister himself stopped coming to visit me when I refused to “accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior”. I told him that such “verbal circumcision” would only dishonor the genuine nature of forgiveness and love that I had already experienced. No words could, or should, ever express the divine presence that overcame me on that mountain. It was an ultra-personal experience that no words will ever adequately express.

I have not heard from that minister on over four years. I have come to suspect that he thinks the devil was attempting to influence him through me, merely because I raised doubts in his mind about his own beliefs; another sad case of blinded faith ingoramatitis.

God commands us to love and understand each other. No man is a devil deserving to be hated, though all men hear the devil's voice (deception). You can believe the lies, blindly, or open your eyes and see the Truth for yourself. God's command to love unconditionally is no more than a command to open your eyes, and to wake up!

And this command is spoken plainly and directly in our “hearts”. You should not need to “believe the Bible” in order to realize God's command. You should also realize that it is a command, not a suggestion. God is not telling that we should try to love as he loves.He is commanding that we do so.

God would not issue such a command if it were not within the power of every living soul to comply. There will be no excuses on judgement day.

My Eternal Life

2011-06-24T07:03:00.001-07:00

I do not pretend to know what my experience will be after the body of Joseph E. Duncan III dies. I only know that my experiences will never end.

I do not know this because of anything I have read or have ever been told. And I do not know this because it comforts me to believe it. It does not comfort me; it humbles me and would terrify me if I let it.

But I have faith in the Universe that determins every experience I will ever have. I believe that all experience is ultimately purposeful. And I believe THAT because it DOES comfort me.

In other words, I don't KNOW my experience (i.e. my life) is purposeful, I only BELIEVE it is because to believe anything else causes me to suffer. And I don't BELIEVE I will live forever, I KNOW I will from having direct knowledge of The Eternal Being.

Materialism vs. Science

2011-06-17T07:26:00.001-07:00

It has come to my attention that I have been mistaking materialism for science. But now I realize that I have been giving science a bad rap.

Materialism is a metaphysical ideology that even most scientists confuse with science itself. To claim that something metaphysical is unscientific is to imply that materialism is not a metaphysical viewpoint. My own confusion, often refering to science as a neo-religion, has been the result of my mistaking materialism for science.

Materialism exhibits all of the dogmatic and irrational faith-based belief systems that has defined religion from the beginning (note, shammanism and buddhism are not religions by themselves, but are turned into religions by those who like most scientists today, tur the experiences expressed by the shammans and buddhas into dogmatic belief systems).

The book, Science and the Near-Death Experience, by Chris Carter (see Fifthnail book list), has an excellent chapter that addresses just this confusion (chapter 16, p. 235). It opened my eyes, but note, that does not mean that my views have changed, only the words and terms I use to express those views have changed.

Philosophical Vanity

2011-06-10T06:42:00.001-07:00

Any philosophy, theology, or ideology that presumes humans to be more significant than other living creatures is biased and useless.

If we cannot see ourselves as a part of the continuous spectrum of life then we only deprive ourselves of any significance at all.

So, if we have souls, then so must germs. If we have eternal life, then so must an insect. And if it is possible at all to know the source of our being, then it must be possible for all beings to equally know that source!

That does not mean that our individual relationships with (i.e. understanding of) our source must be the same. It only means that our ability to have a relationship with (or and understanding of) our source must be derived from the same principles. It is a mistake to take any intellectual understanding of our existence as devine or imperical at all. True understanding must have such a nature as to exist independently of all thought or intellect.

To Know Me Is To Love Me!

2011-06-04T02:38:00.001-07:00

If you can put what you believe into words then you do not yet know what you believe.

I say that I believe in One Consciousness (i.e. “One God”). But to say this is not a true expression of my belief. My belief transends words. That is why I often seem to directly contradict myself. I can say just as honestly that there are an infinite number of gods (or conscious beings). Though these statements seem to contradict each other they are both true, but only in their own sense of expression. The ultimate truth about the unity or duplicity of consciousness is inexpressible. But – and this is important – it is knowable! (Gnostic)

In fact, it is directly known by all conscious beings. It is what I might call true belief, if that term wasn't as wore out as it is. To me, true belief is what everyone believes, but only a few realize. All religions are based on true belief, but no religion manages to convey it. It is impossible to convey, at least not with any human words.

To know God is to know yourself; and to know yourself is to know (and understand) me!

God's Advantage

2011-05-29T01:21:00.001-07:00

God gave Himself all the advantage He would ever need when He invented Time.

A Place For Me In The World

2011-05-20T08:48:00.001-07:00

If I were to be miraculously exonerated of all crimes and set free to do my own will once more, I would like to go to Africa, as an AIDS worker. I realize that this will never happen. We are still a long way off from anything resembling constructive justice (our current system being almost exclusively destructive in nature). But some day, men like me will have a positive and constructive place in this world. I'm just saying that I think mine would be in a part of the world were ignorance is rampant and feral. I'm certain that my deviant sexual tendencies would naturally atrophy in such a place. I would feel valued and significant. And I would be kept busy working my ass off, so I'd never have time to day dream (i.e. fantasize). Any time that I did get would be too precious to squander on mere sexual fantasies. I'd use it to either meditate or contemplate ways to help the people I worked with.

Methinks I'd be happy there.

My Best Hope

2011-05-14T03:19:00.005-07:00

At this point in my life (or, at least this incarnation of my life) my best hope is to be executed by the state. And, my worst fear is that I will be killer by another inmate in prison.

I will do nothing to prevent either of these possibilities from happening. I will nor contest my death sentences (though I have permitted my attorneys to contest for me, this is out of respect and consideration of their wishes and my mother's wishes, not my own). And, if I am sent to prison population at some future date – which will only happen if my attorneys are successful in their appeals – then I will not request protective custody (though I admit, it is unlikely that any prison will put me in general population).

It is not death itself in either case that gives these scenarios their weight in my conscience. Ironically, perhaps, it is not death that concerns me; it is injustice. I'm not suggesting either that a public execution would be “just” in this case. I am only saying that such a killing would be the least injust, which is what makes it also my “best hope”.

The Yellow Brick Road

2011-05-07T01:36:00.001-07:00

A person who focusses their attention on the only thing in our experience that it is possible for us to know to be real soon begins to realize that all experience is a manifestation of that one thing.

What is the one thing? It is that we exist. Or as Descartes has exclaimed, “Cogito ergo sum”. I think, therefore I am. Descartes called this the first principle of pure philosophy. It is the starting point of the path to truth. The beginning of the Yellow Brick Road. But we must first kill the Wicked Witch of the East (our ego?) and claim her Ruby Slippers (consciousness?) as our own before we can begin that journey.

And of course, we all know where we will end up; right back where we started; Home!

What Will They Say?

2011-04-30T06:58:00.001-07:00

I've read some pretty crazy stuff on the Internet, and in the conventional media as well. “Elvis is alive!” “Moon landing was faked” “John Lennon was Jesus!” So there's no telling what people might write about me after I'm gone, especially with all these blogs for fodder. But if nobody says anything about me, or even if they just ignorantly rant, as they have been, about how “evil” I am, then I'll consider the world lucky. The worst thing that could happen to me on the Net would be for someone to start claiming that I was a good person who didn't deserve to die.

Actually, I don't deserve to die. And, I can even honestly say that I'm a good person. But, I'm also a bad person, just like anyone. I'm no worse than the Dalai Lama, and no better than Adolf Hitler. Nobody deserves to die, and nobody deserves to live. But everyone who lives will die.

So if anyone wants to say something positive about me, I would only hope that it would be something consistent with these blogs. Something like, “He died trying”. Or, maybe something neutral like, “He was only human”. Or best of all, to take these blogs more literally and just say, “nothing!” It's what's in your heart that counts, not what you say anyway.

A Few Of My Beliefs

2011-04-23T07:59:00.001-07:00

I believe that the core essence of my being is pure consciousness.

I believe that all consciousness is one infinite thing that exists in all places and all times at once.

I believe that my finite conscious experience, a.k.a. “my life”, is no more than a page, or maybe just a name, in the eternal “book of life”.

I do not believe that “my life” (my finite conscious experience) is eternal in any sense, nor would I want it to be, not even if I were a respected and wealthy king.

I believe death is a cherished friend of eternal life.

I believe that what I do today is more important than what I do tomorrow and more important than what I did yesterday. And, tomorrow I will believe the same.

I believe that each moment that I am alive (in the finite sense that any momentary experience has) extends forwards and backwards into infinity at the same time. No moment is ever truly finite.

The Last Time I Ever Fell In Love

2011-04-16T00:50:00.001-07:00

I turned 21 years old in prison protective custody where I sat for six months in a ten-by-six cell while the classification people decided what to do with me. It was a two-man cell, so I could play cards, and even have sex with my cellmate, if you can call being forced against my will to lick his smelly-ass balls while he sucked my dick and masterbated himself having sex. Some people call it rape, but by then I could hardly tell the difference.

I also managed to study a highschool US History book and then write several essays that were counted as class credits; the last few credits I needed to get my highschool diploma. So I finished highschool in protective custody too.

Besides having forced sex and finishing highschool I also fell in love... uh, with a real girl, not my celly. Her name was Anne Campbell, and she was my younger brother's 19-year-old x-girlfriend, and mother of his son. She wrote to me and sent me a picture of herself holding her baby boy, C.J., my nephew. My brother left her after getting her pregnant. I don't know why, but I suspect he accused her for getting pregnant in order to snare him. Whatever the reason, he abandoned her with the baby and shortly there after she started writing to me.

Maybe she thought if she couldn't have one brother she would settle for the other; I don't know. But, she hinted that I would make a good father for C.J., and she made me feel not just wanted, but needed. I desperately wanted to make up for my brother's abandonment. I imagined – fantasized really – that the parole board would realize how much she needed me and release me so I could take care of her and her child. In short, I fell in love with her.

My desire to take care of her burned genuinely in my heart. I remember being so frustrated at not being able to act on my desire to “rescue” her that I contemplated rebelling against the guards by refusing to return to my cell after chow. I so desperately felt that my desire to help Anne was so strong that all my “deviant” desires would just go away, IF I could just be her husband. Indeed, I didn't fantasize at all about rape or sex with children while I was in love with Anne. She was my cure, my purpose, my love! I needed her more than she needed me. I thought we would “save” each other, if only we could get married.

Of course that never happened. Maybe she only loved my brother and thought that by getting close to me she could win him back; I don't know. But after I proposed to her in a letter, she respectfully declined, and then gradually stopped writing. I, of course, was heart broken, again (the first time my heart broke was when my first real girlfriend, Sharon Winget, was forbidden for me to contact by the sexual psychopath treatment program. They said I couldn't write her or call her because she was one of my “victims” because I had sex with her while she was under-age. Never mind that it was consensual, and that she was less than two years younger than me, and that we were both in the same grade together in highschool, and that we wanted to get married after highschool... the SP program rules were clear and inflexible...she was a juvenile, and I was declared an adult by the court at the age of 17, so that made her my “victim”... this was necessary for my “treatment”).

The hardest part about being in prison is so tough that nobody even talks about it; it is the pain of watching loved ones hurting and not being able to help.

About a year and a half after my proposal to Anne, my nephew, C.J., was repeatedly abused by an army GI that Anne moved in with to help take care of the baby. C.J. Was permanently brain damaged from the abuse. He would never be able to develop mentally beyond the age of two as a result. The man who caused this brain damage by hitting the small boy only served a few months in jail for the abuse, and was then released on probation.

To this day, C.J. Must still wear diapers, crawls on hands and knees to get around and can only speak a few simple words. His favorite words are, “I love you”. He is 28 years old.

Screams Nobody Heard

2011-04-11T12:54:00.001-07:00

I took the two children into the mountainous wilderness of Western Montana. I had killed an entire family, a man, woman and teenage boy, just so I could kidnap these two, a boy and a girl, aged nine and eight, to rape and molest at my leisure.

I stood naked at the edge of a cliff overlooking a dirt road that twisted and turned along the contours of a narrow valley. It was the only way to get to the clearing where I stood, staking my claim.

The children were behind me in the Jeep. They too were naked, watching and fearing my every move as I exposed myself to the forest, to the sky, and to them.

I dared anyone to see me, as I contemplated my situation. In a moment I would rape the children, but I felt compelled to do something else first; some necessary part of the script that would make my revenge more legitimate.

The instructions came, just as they always did, right when they were needed. There was something I had to say, but what?

Suddenly I knew.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, my voice straining, booming across the valley, forming words, and challenging anyone to hear.

I screamed, “Where are you now? You fucking pigs!” Not a question, but a demand.

And I screamed, “How'ya gonna stop me from havin' my way with these children now?!”

And I screamed, “What good is all your power and authority now?!”

Then, breathing heavily, I waited for an answer, bot none ever came. Nobody heard my screams and nobody would rescue the children. That was exactly the point. The challenge was a symbolic formality.

I turned around and walked back to the Jeep. I looked at the naked children, my prize. I saw the questioning terror in their eyes, and I could smell the smoldering fear in their hearts. For a moment I wanted to cry, but I laughed instead. Me rio para no lloar.

Then, I pronounced their sentence, “I'm gonna rape you”, I said, “and nobody's gonna save you, and nobody's gonna hear if you scream.”

Then I raped them.

And nobody tried to save them.

And nobody heard them scream.

(Originally written on November 4, 2010)

Write Me

2011-04-10T07:00:00.000-07:00

You (anyone) can write to me at this address:

Joseph Duncan
USP#12561-023
P.o. Box 33
Terre Haute, IN 47808
USA

I will try to respond to all questions here, but I will not write back to individual letters. I am not looking for new penpals – at least, not generally.

Letters must have a return address or they will not be delivered by the prison.

Letters that contain threats, prejudicial content, or descriptions of explicit sex or criminal activity will be rejected by the prison.

Please do not send stamps or money, they are not allowed in the mail.

I am mostly interested in what people think (honestly), good or bad, positive or negative.

Lets Be Friends

2011-04-08T07:58:00.001-07:00

The only thing that I want from you is your friendship. But if I have to be dishonest with you, by telling you things you want to hear, or by not telling you what you don't want to hear, then I cheapen you, and I cheapen our friendship. I would rather not have your friendship at all than have you as a cheap friend. Cheap friends are a dime a dozen, but a real friend is worth more than all the money in the world.

A real friend is someone who listens, and opines honestly, but does not judge. A real friend might take offense, but would never deliberately offend. A real friend does not need to remember who their friend are, because being a real friend is as much a part of their nature as the color of their hair; it is something that one simply cannot forget, or, for that matter, even fail to be!

The Cowardly Ignoramus

2011-04-08T05:25:00.001-07:00

To be clear, when I say that I am the most cowardly ignoramus that I know, I do not mean so disparagingly. I am simply making an objective observation. I am not consciously or intentionally a coward (i.e. ruled by fear), nor am I deliberately ignorant. But when I observe my own behaviors and thoughts I find evidence of both of these attributes.

I have also said that my greatest accomplishment has been being able to embrace my greatest failure. By this I do not mean that I condone my own cowardly ignorance, but neither do I condemn it. Instead I metaphorically say to it, “You are welcome inside my home (mind, heart, etc...), as long as you do not mind me keeping the light on!”.

What I mean, is that every idea, emotion, thought, and experience that I have is subject to the constant “light” of consciousness. In other words, I tell my own mind, “I'm watching you!”. And then I do watch, as consciously as I can.

And what I see is an ugly mess (in places). But rather than quickly turning off the lights again, like most people do, I accept what I see, and set about the arduous task of putting things in order and cleaning up the messes, instead of merely denying my own sloven past.

I will probably not finish “cleaning house” before I am released (i.e. murdered by the state). But, my goal is not so much to have a “clean house” as it is to learn how to clean. Sometimes I even “make messes” just so I can clean them up again.

So when I point out evidence of psychological messes in other people's lives, I only do so out of the understanding that comes from having cleaned (or at least found) those same messes in my own “house”. I do not mean to condemn or judge anyone. I'm not saying, “You should not be that way”. Instead, I am only trying to say, “You should be aware of the way you are!”

And when someone else says to me, “You are a coward!” I like to ask, “Could you please be more specific?” (so that I might learn something new about myself!)

What Poe Didn't Know: An Answer To A Dream Within A Dream

2011-04-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

I took your kiss upon the brow!
And, in not parting from the Now
Thus much let me avow -
You were not wrong, to deem
That your days have been a dream;
But, if hope has flown away
To alight upon another day,
And if in your vision you have none
Is it therefore really gone?
All that we see or seem
Is yet, a dream within a dream.

You stood amid the roar
Of your own tormented shore,
And held within your hand
Those grains of golden sand -
How few! we heard you weep
With seas of sand beneath your feet,
And yet you weep – and yet you weep!
My God! why do you vainly grasp
What must defy a mortal's clasp?
My God! why do you seek to save
The very sand that fills your grave?
If all that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream,
Perhaps the answer that you seek
Is who we are, when not asleep!

Inspired by: A Dream Within A Dream, by: Edgar Allan Poe
Received (and written) by: Joseph E. Duncan III (March 2011)

The Weakness of Anger

2011-04-02T03:15:00.000-07:00

If you thing that getting angry makes you stronger, it is only because you are weak to begin with. Anger is a sign of weakness and fear, nothing more. The only strength that comes from it is superficial and desperate. The only purpose anger serves is to help a mentally weak person to overcome obsticals that any strong healthy person can surmount in stride.

There are no obsticals in life that a mentally strong and healthy person cannot overcome; not even death.

Go away!

2011-03-26T03:54:00.001-07:00

If you are reading this blog with the intention of coming to some conclusion about joseph Duncan, then let me make it real easy for you: He is a sick, perverted, child-rapist/murderer, coward, selfish, pety, small minded, ignorant, queer, weakling who doesn't deserve to live.

There, that should make you happy.

Now, GO AWAY! Your wasting your time here.

But, if you are reading this blog in order to understand yourself (i.e. the world you live in, which is the same thing), then please don't let my insanity deter you, please, read on...

Death Is Not A Failure

2011-03-20T03:26:00.001-07:00

When we fail to see beyond death, then death appears to us as a failure. But death is no more than another transformation of being essentially no different than the transformation that already occures from one moment to the next.

Who you were before you read the above paragraph is dead. And, who you are now as you read these words is a new creature. Yes, you have much in common with your former self, and yet for all the characteristics that you share with that other manifestation of yourself you can never ever be that person again. Your other self is dead.

So, you died. But is this then failure? Of course not. It is only transformation. And when the transformation from one moment to the next becomes so drastic that we no longer are able to psychologically make the connection between the two selves, such as when the body dies, that does not mean that the connection is lost.

Who we are, the “I am” is what connects all life, and all things together. When we realize this we become immune to the illusion of death. When we can see the stream of consciousness that runs continuously through all life, then death becomes a respected friend, and no longer a source of fear or apprehension.

This is what it means to put death beneath our feet. We see that death is a necessary part of eternal life, not our enemy at all. To defeat death is not to destroy it, it is only to see it for what it is; a necessary part of our journey through eternity; another transformation, nothing more. And certainly not a failure.

In fact, death, like any other defeat, will only make us stronger. This is why killing a killer makes no sense. It only makes the killer – that is, the reason the killer became a killer – stronger. No person exists without a cause. And killing a person without understanding their cause only strengthens it. To understand the cause is to gain power over it. And the only way to understanding is to seek its reflection inside of ourselves. Killing the killer is like smashing the mirror because you do not like what you see there. It is the failure to recognize yourself, the only real failure that can ever happen.

L.W.O.P.?

2011-03-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

I must admit that I am a bit befuddled by the people of Riverside county's decision to not sentence me to death and give me L.W.O.P. (Life Without the possibility of Parole) instead.

Of course this was not a decision made by any one person, or even by any select group. It was a decision ultimately made by the people of Riverside, and that's what has me perplexed.

The District Attorney by himself could not have decided to not seek the death penalty without committing political and social suicide. I get the impression that the new D.A., who just took office a couple of months ago, seems to realize the importance of maintaining the “integrity” of his office. He would not undermine the power (a.k.a. authority) of his position by making decisions that were insensitive to the so-called “will of the people”. (And to his credit, I also don't think he would make the common political mistake of pandering to that “will” either.)

So if the D.A. Is being as responsible as he seems to be, then how is it that I'm not being sacrificed on the alter of social justice? The popular media in this county has been following my case doggedly ever since my arrival here two years ago, and yet no one has raised a voice at all (at least not that I have seen in my limited persuals of the local paper) to demand that “justice be served” in my case.

Why? Perhaps I'll never know. People still seem eager to execute other less notorious offenders. And my offense is not just high-profile, it is also extremely offensive, to say the least. (In case you don't know, I am in Riverside County Jail for charges of kidnapping a ten year old boy out of his own backyard where he was playing with several other children. I then drove him to a secluded desert ravine, raped him, then murdered him and left his bound and nude body to be found decomposed and ravaged by scavangers several weeks later. And if that wasn't bad enough, I got away with it, and there were no suspects in the case until I told them I did it after I was arrested in Idaho for a completely different – and even more violently shocking – case, eight years later!) So why spare me?

Of course, there are the so-called “practical” reasons. For example, the county is in a fiscal crisis (what county isn't these days), and a death penalty case typically costs millions for the initial trial alone. But, that could never be used as an excuse to not prosecute such a high-profile and extremely heinous case as mine.

So, what about the fact that I am already sentenced to three death sentences (for the Idaho case) in Federal court? That would make any death sentence in California seem superfluous, and indeed it would be insanely superfluous if I had continued to not appeal the Federal sentences. In that case I would have been executed by the United States long before California even got its hands out of its pockets.

But, as you may know, I have decided to allow the Federal defense attorneys to proceed with their appeal. Yet still, the Federal appeal will be decided years before California even appoints an appeal attorney for me. And if my Federal appeal is denied, then again I will be executed before California even starts the appeal process.

But, if the appeal in the Federal case is somehow miraculously won, and the Feds don't execute me after all, then, and only then, the California death sentence would act like a kind of (albeit very expensive) backup execution. Wouldn't that be “justice” (I'm just going by my own impression here of what most people think “justice” is, of course I would never call any kind of killing “justice”... “necessary” maybe, but not “justice”). Wouldn't that be enough to justify the expense of sentencing me to death here in the Golden state?

I guess not, because nobody raised a stink when they heard the D.A.'s office was considering a plea agreement in my case that would “take death off the table”.

Maybe the people of Riverside are just tired of hearing about this case. The “shock” value has worn off a long time ago, and now all that's left is disgust, and even that has turned sour over the years. So there's no “ entertainment” value left in the story for the media to sell...

But wait, maybe this plea agreement will actually end up giving the story new life! People could be shocked and disgusted all over again at the new D.A.'s audacity for accepting such a deal. The media would love that they could spin it a dozen different ways and get a good few weeks of good “entertainment” out of it. We'll just have to wait and see on that one.

Who knows? Obviously there are any number of reasons for why the people of Riverside county in California has spared me a death sentence trial. But the reason I like the most, and the one I presonally prefer to believe (lacking any evidence against it, of course) is that the people have somehow, perhaps on the level of the collective unconscious, realized that killing, at least in this case, is wrong in a way that could potentially expose the “wrongness” of the death penalty in every case.

I stopped killing and turned myself in and have taken full responsibility for my actions since. While these facts are relatively under reported (nobody like to hear about a “monster” who doesn't act like a monster should act) they are out there, and even the most oblivious person must realize the significance of the fact that I didn't “get caught”, I surrendered, at least on some subconscious level.

So maybe people are starting to wake up a little bit to a larger reality, where monsters no longer hide in the shadows, or beneath beds. Maybe people sense, if not realize, that the death penalty is a crime too. Maybe...

Checking Out Of The Hotel California (News Update)

2011-03-16T07:12:00.000-07:00

The Riverside (California) D.A. accepted the plea offer that will give me “Life Without The Possibility Of Parole”, twice, in exchange for my guilty plea and admission to all special circumstances (aggravators).

As I understand the reasoning behind the DA's decision, they figure the Federal death sentences will be carried out long before any California sentence; so why bother? It also gets the case out of everyone's hair (since I can't appeal the California case now).

The plea has already been entered and accepted by the court (yesterday, March 15) and the actual sentencing is scheduled for April 5th (three weeks away).

Shortly after my sentence (presumably within a day or two) I will be flown back to Terre Haute, Indiana (Federal prison).

I am still waiting for a decision in the Federal appeal. If they accept my belated consent (i.e. notice) of appeal then the Federal appeal process begins from scratch (even though it has been two and a half years since I was sentenced in Federal court).

I'm not sure what will happen if they do not accept the appeal. Probably the appeal attorneys will just file another appeal to the US Supreme Court. I don't know how long that takes though. Probably a year, or two, I would imagine.

Either way, I'll be back in Terre Haute on Death Row for a while, and will continue this blog from there.

What The BLEEP Do I Know?

2011-03-14T11:18:00.001-07:00

I am careful to frequently assert my ignorance throughout this blog. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm just talking out of my ass like so many people do.

Everything I write is what I believe to be the honest truth, usually with careful consideration of the possibility that I may be unconsciously blowing smoke. I am always acutely aware that I have been frequently and gravely mistaken in the past about what I honestly believed to be true.

So my ignorance disclaimer is a way for me to protect my pride, I suppose. It allows me to speak freely and honestly without trapping myself in my own ignorance. If I learn tomorrow that I was mistaken about something I wrote today, or last week, or even ten years ago, I can just point to my disclaimer and unabashedly correct myself.

It gives me the freedom to grow and to learn to be even more honest. And it gives you the best assurance you can get that I'm not just bull*BLEEP*ing you! :)

As I have said before, if a person is not contradicting themselves then they are not learning and growing. And, if they are not learning and growing then they cannot possibly be being honest.

The most honest and wisest men in history have always contradicted themselves, frequently even in the same sentence. And the most dishonest and manipulative men have always stuck doggedly to their guns, defending their “truths” even to their dying breaths.

(It is interesting then that in our culture we quickly condemn the person who contradicts himself, even if it is only to correct a mistake, while at the same time we revere and reward the person who never changes their mind and hense never learns anything. We even teach our children to “not tell lies”, but what we are really teaching them is to not contradict themselves, and hense to not be honest by admitting their mistakes. Is it any wonder then that there is so much strife and dishonesty in this world when we so unwittingly worship deception?)

Baby Huey

2011-03-12T12:41:00.001-08:00

Baby Huey is who I think of every time I see this one particular baby-faced and overweight deputy. But unlike the comic duck, this deputy is filled with prejudice and hatred, especially toward me. I'm not sure why, since I have never so much as even acknowledge his existence beyond what is expected of me to exist peaceably in this jail. And even less than that actually, in his case, since he seems offended if I speak to him even in courtesy. So I don't speak to him at all. No sense upsetting the baby duck.

It is difficult for me to love and understand a person like “Huey”, because his level of ignorance seems astounding to me. But I am usually quick to remind myself that if I can't love and understand someone like him then I will never truly love and understand myself. And, loving and understanding myself is tantamount to loving “God”, which I believe is the most important task of all.

So, instead of suppressing my negative feelings toward him (and people like him), I realize that these feelings are only a symptom of a more basic flaw in my character. And, I let the feelings run their course, but under close observation. I am trying to understand my emotions, by seeking the source of their steam. I can only do that by paying close and objective attention to them, sometimes even interogating them to try to expose their hidden causes buried in the dark unconscious realms of my psyche. I frequently succeed, and have learned immeasurable volumes about myself and my relationship to “God”, this way. But I still feel like I want to hurt people like “deputy Huey”. I am clearly still missing something important and have more to learn.

So, I keep my head up, eyes, ears, heart and mind open, and hands inside the car. I'll figure it out eventually! :)

Judge Not...

2011-03-09T05:45:00.001-08:00

We can, and do, only judge ourselves. It is not possible, under any circumstance, to judge another person. We can pretend to judge someone else all we want, and others can even pretend along with us. But, regardless of what we convince ourselves, in the final analysis, it will be only ourselves we have judged.

To realize this truth is to realize the futility of jurisprudence and the source of true justice at the same time.

The Most Important Thing You Will Ever Know, Period.

2011-03-03T08:53:00.001-08:00

Since I am about to convey you the absolute most important thing that you will ever know in your lifetime, I suggest that you take the time now to find a comfortable place to sit in a quiet location to give yourself plenty of time to reflect on what you are about to learn. I'll wait...

Now, before I tell you this most important thing of all, I should warn you that once it has been conveyed to you everything else in your life that you thought was important will of course be drastically affected. Thus, I further suggest that you take a moment to reflect on the things that are important to you and then decide if you really want to let them become less important by hearing what it is that I have to tell you. Do this now...

Also, having the most important knowledge in the entire universe just suddenly dumped into your mind can cause severe shock, or worse, even physical damage to your brain, if you are not prepared to contain the information. So you should make sure you are mentally braced for the impact and willing to accept all risks as well. I'll wait while you do this also...

Okay, there is just one more thing that you need to do before learning this life altering information. This is necessary for my own peace of mind, so that if anything bad happens as a result of my letting you in on the ultimate truth then at least there will have been some contingency. Please at this time make sure that your last will and testiment is up to date...

Alright, I'm sorry about all the delays. But you realize of course that this is no ordinary piece of information that I am about to relay to you. So a little preparation is certainly warranted. And now, at last, I can tell you. But first, I must give you one final chance to make sure you are ready, or to change your mind. Please only continue when you are ready...

Are you ready? Are you sure? Okay, here is the most important thing you will ever know: You are...

(Due to unspecified technical limitations to human faculties of reason, this blog post has been inter rupted and suspended. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause to your higher brain functions. In the event of complete psychological collapse, call your mother (or some other loved one). Thank you for your patience and understanding.)

Natural Compassion

2011-03-02T10:58:00.001-08:00

I have written in this blog that compassion is not an emotion. This may be a confusing misuse of words on my part. Compassion is not an emotion, but it requires us to be able to feel emotion. You could say that compassion is the ability to listen to our emotions, but it is not in itself an emotion.

To have true compassion it is necessary to be able to let our emotions guide our behavior and thoughts without interference from our ego. When the ego gets in the way we end up letting our thoughts rule our emotions instead of the other way around. This always results in suffering of one from or another, either pain or pleasure. Regardless of the result, our egos can never be compassionate, though it frequently tries to convince us we are being compassionate when we have thoughts that invoke feelings os sympathy for another person. By raising your consciousness you become aware of these thoughts and begin to be able to distinguish between the false emotions they generate (false compassion) and the genuine emotions that come directly and unhindered (innocently) from your heart (“heart” is just a convenient term for the complex inner-workings of your unconscious mind). Only by learning to listen to these emotions do you begin to naturally have compassion.

Demanding freedom

2011-02-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

I am physically confined in a concrete cell eight feet by ten feet, and yet I am just as “free” as anyone else.

I'm not just telling myself that I am free in order to escape my imprisonment through denial. In fact, I don't believe I am “free” at all. And that's my point; nobody is!

Can you walk on the sun, or even the moon for that matter? Of course not. And neither can I. So we are not free.

But wait, this is no mere word play with exaggeration. This is a serious restriction on our freedom! We do not recognize the seriousness of it because we just accept it. But we don't have to accept it at all!

We were meant to be truly free! And if we don't demand our freedom from the universe then we make ourselves slaves to it.

Demand to be free! And don't stop until you are.

My Teeth Hurts And Other News

2011-02-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my attorneys “made an offer” to the state to allow me to plead guilty if the death penalty is dropped. It would be smart for the state (actually, the county) to accept this offer since a trial in this case would pointlessly cause a lot of unnecessary anguish for the family of the boy who was kidnapped and murdered, as well as for the community in general.

Ultimately, whether or not I am killed by the state (Federal or local) will be decided in Federal court. California can do little to nothing to effect what the Federal system decides. So forcing the families and community to go through an ugly trial would be pointless and maybe even cruel.

As fas as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter whether it goes to trial or not, except that I'd really rather not be a witness to such futile anguish. That, and my feegin' teeth hurt! So I hope the “deal” is accepted so I can get back to the Federal prison in Terre Haute, Indiana, so I can get my teeth taken care of!

Because I have been in one county jail (i.e. “short term confinement facilities”) after another I have been unable to get basic routine dental care. So, now, after almost six years of no floss and shoddy toothbrushes to try to keep my teeth clean my teeth have had enough and are starting to rot in my mouth uncared for.

I imagine that just a hundred years ago I would have no place to complain. Back then most people didn't understand the relationship between oral hygiene and dental health. But this is a supposedly informed world these days, and I would hope that I'm not the only one who realizes that no general dental care means painful tooth problems and loss.

So far I've managed to keep all of my teeth in my head where they belong (sans third molars, which I paid to have removed while I was living in Fargo, for hygienic convenience). I've never needed any dental work more complicated than a single-surface filling, or filling repair. I have no caps, bridges, root canals, or anything. I never even had to wear braces.

But now, after over five years of forced neglect, I need at least one root canal, and probably several more fillings. So, I'm complaining, yes. Because like the trial here in California, there is no reason that I should have to suffer. (Unless you take a sick view of “justice” by thinking that I deserve to suffer severe tooth aches because of what I did to those children and their families. But in that case why shouldn't I just be drawn and quartered? If you think I should, then I wouldn't blame you. I'd just welcome you to the club!)

If the offer is not accepted then I will stick to my plan of trying to get the trial over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. Even if that means firing my attorneys and representing myself again (which is definitely what it would mean). I'd have to fire my attorneys in order to not delay the trial any further simply because there is no way they can be ready for trial in less than at least another year (probably more time than that given the complexity of the case and the multi-jurisdictional issues involved). And if they are not ready then the judge can waive my so-called “right to a speedy trial” over my objections, in order to give my own attorneys time to prepare.

And, since the only way I can get my teeth taken care of is to get back into Federal custody (i.e. “long term confinement facilities” which provides basic dental care) I would have no choice but to fire my attorneys, if the plea offer is not accepted, so I can get the trial overwith and then sent back to Terre Haute.

I don't like being so drastic, but I don't like being in severe physical pain even less. Let's hope the case is settled quickly to avoid a rotten mess of a trial!

We Need A New Religion

2011-02-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

Articulating our understanding of consciousness will ultimately require a new religion. Science cannot do it, and the older religions hardly even try because they too are clearly inept.
Our most advanced methodology for deriving an understanding of the nature of our world is constricted to external experience. In fact, early on science was apt to conclude that external experience was the only thing that could be considered real. Extreme sects of this belief system, such as Behavioralism, even became widely accepted. Such views are in decline today (though remarkably still clung to by many) because of the overwhelming number of experiments (i.e. experiences) that contradict the very existence of any external reality at all.
Science is currently struggling, as all religions do when experience begins to contradict the basis of their methodology, to find a new definition for Go (a.k.a. Theory of Everything) that will conform to its way of thinking. But the inevitable is already clear: Science has failed in its mission to explain the ultimate nature of the world, and there is evidently no chance of it ever succeeding.
We need not just a new science, but a whole new way of approaching the truth. We need a new religion The holy scientific method has been exposed as another false, or at least limited religion at last. Now we can move on, forward to a better religion, or perhaps backward to a purer religion. Whatever we do, we must abandon science, for it has not only failed to provide the ultimate answers that we crave, but in so failing it has brought us to the brink of self annihilation.
We instinctively know that if we cannor grasp the true nature of our reality then we will never be able to claim our relationship to it (i.e. inherit heaven). We must know our ultimate Father before we can ever truly know ourselves.
So the search goes on, and I will humbly make this one small suggestion to those who would join the ultimate quest: Look within. And the new religion must needs do the same.

Dear Shasta

2011-01-29T11:45:00.000-08:00

You probably think you remember me. But if you feel anger and resentment, or hatred when you remember me then you have forgotten, who you are.

Do you remember what I told you as I was taking you home through the woods in Idaho? Do you remember when I put my hand on top of yours, and told you, “You might not think so now, but someday you will probably hate me because of what I did.”

Do you remember the rest of what I said? The important part? The reason I touched your hand, even though at that point I felt I had no right to even speak to you, much less touch you. But I touched your hand because I wanted you to remember what I said.

Do you remember? I said, “It's okay if you hate me. I'll understand”. And you, being the wise and honest soul that you were, remained silent. You did not try to deny that you would ever stop loving and forgiving me. And that's how I could tell your love and forgiveness then was genuine. You loved me as only an innocent can love. And you forgave me the same way.

Do you remember now? I pray that you do, because the child you were then, is the child who will redeem this world someday.

Why I Don't Kill Myself

2011-01-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

I suspect that when this body dies that the psychological sickness that has haunted my life will die with it. But at the same time I fear that the CAUSE of the sickness will persist in one form or another after my death. And that is why getting at the cause of my sickness is so important to me.

If I thought the cause would somehow die with this body then I would destroy it myself without hesitation. I have no reason to doubt this kind of resolve, since my history bears my tendency to put principle before my own life. The thoughts I think may be subject to the disease I suffer and therefore are not to be trusted. But, what I do, and have done in the past, is subject only to my true nature, and therefore can be trusted to illustrate the truth. So I am as sure as I can be that the cause of my sickness is not in my body, or my mind. For if it were then I would have killed myself long ago.

Cold Compassion

2011-01-25T17:30:00.000-08:00

Compassion is not a feeling or an emotion. To feel sorry for someone, or to feel sympathy is not compassion. I felt sorry for every person I killed. I thought that meant I was a compassionate person. I was wrong.

Compassion is the will to act out of understanding. Feeling sorry for someone often actually prevents us from being compassionate. Compassion understands emotional anguish, but it does not cater to it. True compassion is as emotionally cold as a natural predator. In fact, a true predator is driven by compassion, not lust, or wrath, or any other emotion. No rapist is ever really a true predator.

But, cold compassion is not unloving or inhuman. True compassion rises above feeble human feelings and raises us into the realm of eternal life. In truth, real compassion can only come from the eternal sense of reality, which is a world that surrounds us in space and time though we are unaware of it until our self deception (and illusion of space and time) wanes.

The emotions that we commonly call compassion (such as sympathy) lead us to do more harm than good when we turn to them for a sense of purpose. In and of themselves, these feelings are benign, and clearly even necessary. Like hunger, sympathy serves an important role toward our physical well-being. But also like hunger, sympathy can become a dangerous addiction that compels us to over feed oue egos the way hunger, when not checked, compels us to over feed our bodies.

If you doubt what I am saying here, then you effectively doubt the wisdom and compassion of the Universe (i.e. “God”), which sadly, most people do; even professing Christians, Muslims and Jews. Consider the child that is born only to suffer a few years of poverty, disease and starvation, then dies for lack of just a few dollars worth of food and medicine. Now, consider this child living over a thousand years ago, so the lack of food and medicine is “natural”, and not any man's fault.

Is the Universe without compassion? If you say yes, then you do not yet understand what compassion is, and nor can you realize the true meaning of salvation. Salvation is the realization of true compassion.

The Reason Why

2011-01-25T14:00:00.000-08:00

To ask why I did what I did is to ask why I was born. No matter what answer you give or get, no answer will ever be all there is to it.

If you truly want to understand, do not ask “Why?”. But instead ask, “Who?”.

Asking “Why?” changes nothing, and only allows the pain to continue. But, asking “Who?” will change everything, and turns the pain into understanding, so we can grow, and so we can heal.

The answer is who I am, not why.

You are who I am.

And that, is why.

An Ode To The Killer

2011-01-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

I wrote the following in a small black journal in 1997, the day after Anthony Martinez was raped and murdered. (The police have this book in evidence and actually presented tgis page of it as evidence in the Federal trial to kill me, though they never referred to it in their arguments, so the reason that they presented it remains unclear)

I know the reason why
I know the reason for your hate
And I know the reason for your pain
I know the reason for my love
And I know the reason we're not the same

God's Love
God's Love is the reason
And God's Love will bring you down.

It came to me all at once while I was driving away from Indio, California (where I am presently jailed). I had to stop to write it down. It seemed important. It ended up being prophetic in a way I could never have imagined at the time I wrote it. It was indeed God's Love, as expressed through the innocence of a little girl, that caused me to turn myself in (and release the girl).

There Are No Facts

2011-01-23T02:00:00.000-08:00

Modern science is only just beginning to realize what mystics have known all along; that the truth is a potentiality, not a fact.

Honesty is a Contradiction

2011-01-23T01:00:00.000-08:00

To say one thing and do another is hypocrisy. But, to say one thing and then say another is honesty. The nature of truth is such that it can never be fully expressed with words. So, if your words do not contradict themselves then you are probably not being honest. In fact, a sure sign of a dishonest person is extreme verbal consistency, usually accompanied by hypocritical deeds.

What I Deserve

2011-01-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

There is no corresponding element in nature for the intellectual concept of just deserts. Obviously then, no one really deserves to live or to die. And yet nearly all of the pain and suffering inflicted by people against other people is done in the guise of just deserts.

The rapist believes either his victim deserves to be raped or he deserves to rape her. The soldier believes the enemy deserves to be killed. And the jurist believes that the murderer deserves to die.

You might think that some people clearly deserve to die, such as a man like myself, who has raped and murdered children. But if I deserve to die, then so do you.

“No man is an island”. And no man exists or behaves independent of social influence.

To say that I deserve to die is to ignore the very reasons that I raped and killed in the first place. To ignore these reasons is to ultimately condone what I did, in the sense that you are allowing it to happen all over again!

Blaming me, and then killing me (a.k.a. Spacegoating) accomplishes nothing. Oh sure, it temporarily relieves the anguish that is primarily caused by fear. That is, it prettends to remove the problem, while at the same time letting the real problem get worse, usually much worse.

The problem in my case was that I was rejected and punished by society for perfectly natural behavior that resulted from confusion as a child over the very mixed signals I got over my sexual identity. The problem was exacerbated by societies own irrational anxieties over juvenile sexual interests. I acted out of my confusion with no intentional malace. And for the one hour of sexual imposition that I forced on another boy I was sent to prison for 20 years, convinced by means of psychological torture that I was a “sexual psychopath”, and repeatedly raped and physically abused by other inmates. And when I finally got out of prison I found no hope of social redemption, or even acceptance.

The boy I raped became a man who is to this day convinced that I got what I deserved because of what I did to him. He thinks being forced once to swallow another boy's semen has “scared him for life”. He seems to have no idea of what its like to be the boy who made him swallow the semen. Even then, when I was but 16 years old, I would have traded my misery for his in a heartbeat. He at least has sympathy and compassion for his one confusing experience. All I got was a lifetime of much much worse pain and confusion, with no sympathy at all.

And so is it really any surprize that after I started to realize that I wasn't a “sexual psychopath” at all, that I had (and have) a real heart that was sorely wounded, and yet I was systematically forced to play the role of the “monster”, a role I despised... is it then any wonder that I wanted justice?

I quickly realized, as all convicts do, that the only just deserts that I would ever get I would have to take for myself. And so I did; indeed, so I did.

And now I only laugh, morbidly, when I think about how society thinks I “deserve to die”. If anyone could ever deserve to die then I am certainly one. But, so was Jesus. After all, his crimes (open blasphere) in that day and age were far worse then mere child rape or even murder. A man who killed a common child in those days would have been sued for the value of the lost child, not even criminally charged (unless he could not pay the restitution, and that would have been a completely seperate offense). But a man who blasphemed was the lowest of the low! Why else do you think they spit on him and demanded that he be crucified?

So I laugh, yet I cry at the same time when I think of all the children yet to be raped and murdered because they live in a society that does not yet know how to take responsibility for what its citizens do. And I cry even more for all the children in our society who grow up to be men like me, still confused by their own behavior and even their own thoughts because the world they live in offers them no help and no understanding.

(No, I'm not suggesting child rape should be condoned. All I'm saying is that children would not get raped if we learned to take responsibility for when it happens instead of blaming the rapist and “putting him away” or “punishing” him. After I was arrested as a 16 year old boy, I wanted “help” more than anything in the world. I knew there was something ”wrong” with me, but I didn't know what. Almost all so-called “sex offenders” feel exactly the same way, at least they do the first time they get in trouble, but after that they quickly learn that there is no help, so they almost always eventually resolve to just “be what they are” and keep on hurting themselves and other people. All of which is completely unnecessary, if instead of blaming them and punishing them we simply asked them, “What's wrong?”. Then listen to what they tell us, and sincerely try to help!)

The solution is really so simple that I frequently cry when I think about how so many people (especially children) suffer so unnecessarily. The solution to crime is love (understanding), anything else is just more crime.

The Cause of Understanding

2011-01-21T02:00:00.000-08:00

The only thing I have to be ashamed of is shame itself. There is no shame in being an ignorant fool, it is only shameful to deny that you are one. To be such a fool is the very definition of being human. To deny our foolishness is the cause of shame. To embrace it is the cause of understanding.

Why Be Honest?

2011-01-17T02:00:00.000-08:00

No matter what you do or say, it is impossible to predict how other people will react. That is why it only makes sense to be honest, in deed as well as in speech.

As long as you are honest, then how other people react, even if they rape or kill because of your honesty, is not your responsibility. This may seem extreme, but what if you are dishonest and the result is that other people rape and kill? You simply cannot be responsible for how other people react. The only responsibility we can take is for what we do and say, not for how others react. Not even if we think we know how they will react. It is not possible to know such a thing. So thinking that you do know can only be a result of delusion; a form of self deception.

Being honest requires us to overcome self deception. This is our real purpose in the raw. But the task of overcoming self deception can (and always does) take many forms. It could mean anything from realizing a simple mistake in perception, to a devastating and life altering revalation that reveals everything you spent your life believing in and fighting for is wrong. Unfortunately, in the present world we live in, the later of these two extremes is what is necessary for most people to be honest.

An honest person takes responsibility for themselves, and by extension for the entire universe (since everything you do and say has infinite repercussions). While at the same time an honest person remains blameless (“without sin”).

Only a dishonest person can be blamed. But only because they blame themselves by the act of being dishonest. An honest person does not blame a dishonest person, except in the sense that they reflect blame back to its source; the dishonest person.

When I raped and killed, I was behaving dishonestly, and acting according to my own self deception. I believed I had the “right” to rape and kill because of the way that I was so severely “wronged” by society. This wa swhat I believed, but I was deceived. I unconsciously blamed myself and that self blame created deep unconscious turmoil that supported my conflicting reality.

But when I saw the Truth, that no such “right” existed... when I realized that my entire life struggle for acknowledgement and self justification (i.e. justice) was futile, and something that can never be achieved by effort, only by grace... when I saw that everything I believed to be important was a lie! Then I became honest, or at least, much more honest than I was, though still not completely honest.

I became honest, and as evidence of this honesty I became responsible for what I was doing. I threw down the rock that I was only seconds away from using to crush a naked little girl's skull, screaming in anguish as I realized how deceived I had been. And I took the child home, and turned myself over to my formely most feared and hated enemies. By doing this I took direct and immediate responsibility for my actions - - - in the present, which is the only place responsibility can be taken (blame, and hense irresponsibility, always focusses on past actions, which is another indication of its futility) - - - and I became blameless (in the present) by doing so.

In so far as I am honest, so I am blameless. And yet I still blame myself in many ways, which tells me I am still not completely honest and have much painful work to do. But I at least know better now than to blame others. I would even say that the fact that I no longer attempt to shed blame (by blaming others) is a good indication that I am at least heading in the right direction.

I would like to just say to myself, “you are not to blame”, and so be it (or “amen” as they say). But the struggle is never as simple as that. I must grow and learn about my blamelessness (i.e. that I am freely forgiven, as some would say) just as any child must grow and learn to become an adult. The important thing is to know that I am growing and learning, which is something I did not know before I threw down that rock!

The Power of One

2011-01-15T23:00:00.000-08:00

When two or more people bond to each other, a synergistic consciousness arises that has the power to take over and direct the lives of the individuals who comprise the bonded unit. We normally take this for granted and seldom realize the extent that this higher consciousness dictates our lives when we are a member of such a unit. Instead we continue to perceive our thoughts and actions as our own. But if we question the source of our motivations, and if we question them honestly, such as through deep contemplative meditation, we soon find that strikingly few of our thoughts originate in our own mind. They are the result of our extremely complex unconscious experiences, which are determined by the groups or units that we are bonded to, such as family, community, nation and even world. This process of unification occures on all levels of nature and consciousness. Quarks bond to form mesons, mesons (electrons, protons, etc...) bond to form atoms, atoms bond to make molecules, molecules form compounds, compounds (proteins, amino acids, etc...) become cells, cells bond to make organisms, and organisms bond to create us. But it doesn't stop there. We bond together as families, and families form communities, which make districts, states and nations. Nations bond (ultimately) to form hemispheres... which comprise the world. Actually, all bonded units are polorized into what you might call hemispheres. Male-Female, The Left and Right, and The East and West. Of course, it is what the Chinese have long called yin and yang. All bonded entities have yin and yang.

All bonded entities have yin and yang.

The synergy of bonding is so common that the language of every culture, even the most primative, revolves around it. Our most important and meaningful words reflect it. When we speak of love, we speak of this bonding force that any poet knows has a life and will all its own. All religions attempt to appease it by honoring it. Whether we call it love, or God, or life force, it is all the same. I call it consciousness, but only because that word best expresses my own experience with it. (I actually call it many things: “The Living Truth” was my favorite for a while after the first time I directly experienced it.) But it does not matter what we call it. It only matters that we recognize it, and acknowledge its devine soveriegnty.

Circle Jerk

2011-01-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday (Friday) I had a “status hearing” before Judge Downing here in Riverside County (Indio, California). The trial for the case here is tentatively set for some time in March. But the defense attorneys cannot possibly be ready to go by then. So I must either consent to another time waiver (which allows the trial to be delayed again), or dismiss counsel and go to trial pro se (representing myself again).
The problem is that I desperately need some basic dental work (fillings) to keep my teeth from needing to be pulled. Because I have been in short term confinement facilities (Jails) for the last five and a half years (since my arrest), and jails only provide “emergency” dental care (basically they only do extractions) and nothing else, I can't even get a general exam to find out what is wrong with my teeth. And my teeth hurt. At least three probably need small fillings, if not a root canal filling.
I have always taken care of my teeth. I brush daily (though the only toothbrush I can have in jail frays badly after only two ot three uses) and would floss too, but the jail doesn't allow dental floss (it's supposed to be a “security risk”, but if I want strong nylon string to make a weapon with all I have to do is pull it out of my mattress, which of course, other inmates do all the time, destroying the expensive mattresses in the process). So I still have all my teeth and have never needed anything more than a few fillings, as I do now.
The only way I can get the dental work I need is to get this pointless California case overwith so I can go back to Federal prison and have my teeth cleaned, examined and repaired. If I waive time and let the trial be pushed back again (the defense attorneys are asking for “at least 12 months”) then I will not only end up loosing some of my teeth, but I will also have to sit here for up to two months in pain while I wait for an “emergency” appointment to have the teeth pulled.
So, I told the defense attorneys that I will not waive time for the trial unless they can guarantee I will have my teeth taken care of. Actually, I asked them about getting my teeth taken care of several months ago (as soon as they took over the case after I stopped representing myself last year). I even told them explicitly that my dental work was my number one concern. But after several months they basically told me that there was nothing they could do. So I told them I had no choice but to get the trial overwith in March so I could go back to Federal prison and have my teeth taken care of. Ultimately, what happens here in California is purely for show and will have no bearing on whether I live or die. If the Feds find me not competent on appeal, then any California death sentence will be rendered mute. And if the Feds find me competent, then they will kill me long before California even gets their hands out of their pants (and don't think too much about what they are doing with their hands in there). So there is no reason why I should sit here in jail and let my teeth rot in my mouth while they enjoy a good long circle jerk with me in the middle of the circle. (I actually wouldn't mind them jerkin' off over me so much if my teeth didn't hurt. It's not that I enjoy the attention of anything, it's just that I understand the “need”... believe me, I understand!)
So now the defense lawyers are attempting to solicit funds (defense funds) to pay for a private dentist plus transportation and security to have my teeth worked on. But it appears to me as if they are placating (the requisition they showed me as evidence of their efforts was severely illprepared and underestimated) and trying to got me to waive time without a guarantee. They don't seem to realize how painful a sore tooth can be! They seem to think that I should just back-up and sweat it out. And I might have considered doing that, IF the trial were anything more than a big pants pocket circle jerk.
So, I did not waive time yesterday at the hearing. The court rescheduled another progress hearing for February 22nd. If I don't waive time then the trial will have to go in March, and I will have to represent myself again (since the lawyers cannot be ready by then). That's okay, I just hope my teeth will hold out until March!

Blades of Truth

2011-01-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

This blog is written in such a manner that anyone who knows what they are looking for will find it here, then hopefully quickly go away. But those who do not know, well, perhaps they to will find what they are looking for too, but it won't be in this blog; it will be inside themselves.

The truth can never be written. But when it is written about, it can have many edges that can cut many ways. My hope in writing this blog about the truth, is to dull some of the more dangerous edges, while leaving the most important edge safely burried, but sharp as ever.

In the hands of an ignorant person – like a scalpel in the hands of a child – my words can do considerable damage. Not to me, but to others, especially the ignorant person wielding these words so foolishly.

But in the heart of an honest person, these same words can cut away calloused deception in the darkest (unconscious) recesses of the mind, exposing profound truths that may not always appear very beautiful at first. I cannot say what those truths will be, or even how they will appear. But I can tell you much about what the calloused deception looks like.

And that's what this blog is all about.

The Ultimate Uncertainty Principle

2011-01-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

The ultimate uncertainty principle says: It is not possible to know you are right and to be right at the same time.

This is perhaps the most profound realization I have had yet. It has the power to change the world, if it could ever be understood and embraced. But by its own assertion, it cannot be understood by direct observation.
Like Heisenburg's uncertainty principle, which says that observable quantities like position and momentum cannot be precisely known at the same time, this ultimate principle pins down the enigma of the dual nature of all energy and matter, including consciousness itself.
If consciousness is a form of energy, then Einstein proved over a hundred years ago that it is interchangeable with matter (by his most famous equation: c=mc^2). So why should we be surprized to find in quantum mechanic experiments that consciousness seems to effect matter?
In fact, consciousness, as quantum theory predicts, exists in both wave and particle form at the same time. We routinely observe this dual nature of consciousness all the time. We call it the conscious and unconscious mind.
The conscious mind (our individual consciousness) is the manifested “particle” state of conscious energy. The unconscious mind is the probability “wave” form of conscious energy. So every thought we have is manifested consciousness and the “silence” between thoughts is infinite conscious potential (the probability wave).
In order for something to be right, it must be the truth and it must be real (truth and real being pretty much the same thing). If something is true and real then it is also right. But a thought, which is a manifestation of infinite probability, is not real. It exists finitely, at a point in time. So nothing we can ever think will have the quality of infinity. Therefor, neither can it be real, as only something infinite can be said to be real at all (this should be self evident when carefully contemplated). Only infinite consciousness is real. So only a person who exists in a state of infinite consciousness can be right! Any thought such a person has of being right will immediately expell them from the state of infinite consciousness into a state of finite consciousness. This is the same thing that happens when a quantum of energy is observed. It becomes finite, as numerous scientific experiments confirm. (It is the “Quantum Enigma”)

The Rise and Fall of Death

2011-01-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

The modern scientific view that natural death caused by aging is a disease is perhaps the most fatal error science has ever made. In the day that we perfect a “cure” for aging death itself will rise up as the supreme ruler of the world. In that day humans, who previously only anticipated death with trepidation, will learn to fear death even more than the loss of their very soul (or conscientiousness). In that day death will become the ultimate source of fear, and by said virtue, the ultimate despot over the entire world (or at least the parts that have “the cure”).
Fortunately, every prophecy of this event – and there are many such prophecies – also predicts that death's reign will be very short and disasterous. But we don't need prophecies to tell us this future. It is written plainly in our hearts (or unconscious mind).

According To The Laws Of Physics

2011-01-07T04:30:00.000-08:00

According to the known laws of physics, if life is eternal then it must also be infinite. That means that in order for life to stretch forward into infinity, it must by definition also stretch backward into infinity. This is the meaning of the saying, “If it has a beginning, then it has an end”.

Also according to the laws of physics, if life is infinite in time then it must also be infinite in space. Einstein proved over a hundred years ago that time and space are one and the same thing. And since then, that proof has become a foundation of all modern physics. So in order for one person to have eternal life, all life must be eternal and all life must be one and the same life. This is the meaning of the saying, “There can be only one (eternal being)”.

And alas, according to the laws of physics, if all life is eternal, then every finite experience we have in life is locked into infinity. That means it is predetermined and undetermined at the same time. In physics they call this a state of superposition. It is the meaning of the saying, “If it has an end, then it already has”.

The Ultimate Servant

2011-01-07T01:00:00.000-08:00

A true understanding of eternal life must not devalue life in the present. “Heaven” cannot be a place in space and time. Which means that it is not some place you go after you die (or otherwise leave this world). Heaven, if it exists at all, must exist in the here and now. Otherwise it is meaningless and even contrary to the Ultimate (Devine) Truth. Why this is so should be self evident under honest introspection.

A true understanding of eternal life will only enhance life in the present. It will cause our current existence to take on profound meaning and purpose. When we understand and believe our infinite nature then all struggle against death ceases. Death becomes our obedient servant, and safe to ignore; no longer a tyrannical master demanding our constant attention.

Bad Actor

2011-01-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

The best actors are able to convince themselves that they aren't acting while they are on stage. This is true especially for the stage of life.
For some reason I have never been able to convince myself that I am not just acting out a role given to me to play. I suppose that's why I am such a bad actor.

The Mask of Shame

2011-01-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

Pride is no more than a mask that shame wears in order to hide from the self. It is a fig leaf that we wear to hide our shame from God. To see this, we have only to consider the pride that is so commonly taken in the clothes we wear. We clothe ourselves primarily to cover our nakedness (the quintessential symbol of shame). By turning the clothes we wear into a symbol of pride, pride is revealed as no more than a mask that shame wears.

Honestly Ashamed

2011-01-05T05:30:00.000-08:00

As much as I try to deny it, I am chasmically ashamed of what I have done and for what I am. I have denied this shame in the past because I recognize it as a primary source of my negative self destructive behavior. My attempts to deny my shame have not been motivated by a desire to make myself look better, or even feel better. But, I thought that if I deny my shame then perhaps I would not be ashamed, and my tendency toward anti-social behavior would be at least somewhat alcaviated. Now I realize that my shame is not something that will go away just by denying it. Perhaps it will never go away.
I have also attempted to turn my shame into humility, with what I thought was some success. I was certainly humbled. But now I suspect that ultimately while humility embraces shame, it does not replace it. I must learn to live with my shame written on my face at all times, or I am not being an honest person. Perhaps that is all humility really is; being honestly ashamed.

Nothing Is Random

2011-01-04T03:30:00.000-08:00

In order for there to be free will there must be meaningfulness. A choice is not a choice unless the constituents of that choice are given weight with meaning. Without meaning, a “choice” is only random. Random choice is not free choice. Fortunately, careful contemplation has revealed that purely random choices are impossible (this is supported by numerous scientific studies). If random choice is not possible, then only meaningful (free) choice remains. So, life as we know it does in fact have meaning.

What we perceive as random events are really events for which we are not conscious of their meaning (or purpose). Hense, when we witness a violent crime we commonly label it “random”. Or when we experience some natural catastrophy we think it too is random. But randomness is a meaningless word in and of itself. Everything has meaning, this is a self evident truth of being. We can find peace by embracing this truth. We can also find meaning.

Individuality Is Nowhere

2011-01-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

When I speak of the perils of individuality (and there are many) I do not mean to imply that we should not be individuals. In fact, if my assertions are understood correctly, then it should be clear that only by viewing ourselves as one undivided being is it possible for us to be truly individual at all!
What I'm saying is that we become more individual only by denying the illusion of separation from the universe. If we see ourselves as separated from the universe, then no matter what color we dye our hair, or how unique the clothes we wear are, or even how strangely we behave, we are pathetically no different than every other delluded person out there. Only by becoming conscious of our true being do we become truly unique, and only then do our individual characteristics (such as hair color and behavior) have any meaning at all.

Infinite Responsibility

2011-01-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

I am responsible for what I have done to harm others, but not as an individual. To presume that I, as an individual, somehow am capable of making even the most common decision is an error. Every choice I make, from when to brush my teeth to whether or not to kill, is made as a consequence of literally infinite factors which are impossible for me as an individual to weigh.
So, does this realization (or “claim” as some would have it) somehow release me from, or lesson my responsibility? Absolutely not! It increases my responsibility infinitely! And it forces me to stop focussing on myself as an individual, and consider myself in the true light of my being. It compells me to come to know the eternal source of my volition, since it is clearly the only possible way for me to take responsibility for my actions, past and present.
Only by not striving to know my true infinite self (which means learning to love unconditionally or forgive absolutely) do I shun my responsibility and bring more suffering into this world whether I realize it as an individual or not.

On My Honor

2011-01-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

A man who protects his honor is a fool. If his honor needs to be protected, then it is not honor, it is vanity, or worse, pride.
Honor is the knowledge that you are worthy of existence. There is nothing that you can do as an individual separated from the universe to deserve honor. Honor is deserved by virtue of your existence alone.
This should not seem surprising, after all, it is no different than what Jesus tried to teach.

The End Is Near

2011-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Relatively soon people will begin to realize that there is no space or time.

There is only consciousness.

We will also come to understand that consciousness is the inevitable product of infinite probabilities.

Science will fall, harder than any religion has ever fallen, taking with it all modern social systems (as well as what is left of religion).

Out of the chaos, Consciousness will arise, as the One True Religion.

And all suffering in this world will abrubtly end, and the new world, that we have been building unconsciously for millions of years will manifest in the “physical” realm of space and time.

Life vs. Death

2010-12-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

What is life in prison without the possibility of parole? That is a very subjective question. To some, it is a life worth living, restricted, but a life nonetheless. To others it is not life at all, it is no more than a living nightmare of deprivation, worse than death.
I belong to this later group. I say, “Give me liberty, or give me death!”. And I mean it. But I don't mean, as the original author of that statement, that I would rather fight to the death than be enslaved for life. I simply mean that I would rather be murdered by sanction of the state than live out my natural years in a modern penal institution.
And, it's not because of the restrictions that such a life would entail. It is not because of the lost so-called privileges of a free citizen. It's not because I wouldn't be able to have, or do, certain things. I could (and for many years have) live easily without such “freedoms”. But what I find it difficult and even excruciatingly painful to live without is intimate contact with someone I care deeply about.
It does not need to be a lover, just a brother, a sister, or mom, or dad, or even a good friend. And by intimate contact I don't mean sex, or even physical contact at all. I just mean regular interaction, such that that person shapes my thoughts (and behavior) every day. Such contact would free me from my “sickness” (this is a part of what I began to realize just before I surrendered to the present authorities of this world), and it would give me a chance at self-actualization.
Without someone to love, and to love me, in my life, I have no chance of ever coming to know my purpose. Without that chance, that hope, I would rather die. Not because I give up on life, but so I can move on with it! Maybe in my “next life”, in this world or some other, I will be able to appreciate what I gave up so much to learn in this world; that without love, there is nothing. Without forgiveness, there is only insanity.

PS: I realize, of course, that a “self-actualized” person would be able to love everyone. But, I also realize that we need someone to love to help us become self-actualized. This is the truth that I, like most people, ran from all my life. All I'm saying here is that I would rather move on (die) than be forced (by incarceration) to keep running.

My Children!

2010-12-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

When I say that my fantasies have a will, motive and even consciousness of their own, I do not mean to imply that I have no power over them. In a sense, I realize that I am the “god” of my fantasies (and thoughts and actions for that matter). So by attributing will and consciousness to my fantasies I am not attempting to shirk responsibility for them. I am only recognizing them for what they are: My children!

Learning to Drive

2010-12-23T02:00:00.000-08:00

I do not follow where my mind leads. I instead let it wonder on its own, always watching it carefully, like a loving parent watches an immature child.
I know that my mind will never have true wisdom. So unlike a child it will never become independent of me. Perhaps my mistake in the past was to burden my mind with moral responsibilities that it was never meant to manage.
My mind is a remarkable machine, but no more (or less) of a machine than my body. My mind and body are essentially the same thing; a living organism. But I am the life in my body and in my mind.
In my dreams my physical form is frequently represented as a car that I am driving but can never quite completely control. I can actually gauge my mastery over my form (mind/body) by simply contemplating my ability to drive in my dreams. So far I'm not doing very well, but I am making progress at least.
It is possible to gauge my mastery of form when I am wide awake, but more difficult because I must watch not what just my mind does, but also what my body does and most significantly, the consequences that occure in my life. To ignore the consequences of my actions would be synonymous to driving a car without looking out the windows (which I frequently find myself doing in my dreams).
My thoughts are like a stearing wheel. So, if I don't look where I am going then it does not matter which way I turn my thoughts. This is why, in my efforts to learn how to “drive”, I am presently concentrating on what is going on around the “car”, and watching closely what effect my thoughts (and actions) have.
Slowly, but surely, I am learning to drive.

Multiple Me's Dream

2010-12-22T13:00:00.000-08:00

This morning I had a rather unusual dream. I dreamed that I was in a larger than usual two-man prison cell alone. I decided in the dream to masterbate to a fantasy of being used by other inmates (something I used to fantasize about often when I was in prison years ago). So I pulled down my pants and layed down on a bunk in the cell on my stomach, and began my fantasy (which usually began with me seducing the other inmates by letting them see me naked).
Then suddenly I heard a guard coming. So I jumped up and pulled up my pants... or at least one of me did. When I looked back at the bunk, I was still laying there! Only now I was completely naked, waiting to be used.
The guard came into the cell as I was whispering desperately to my other naked self to “get up!”. But the guard, a female, walked in and saw both of us, me standing fully clothed and me laying on the bunk naked, at the same time. But she could not see who the naked man on the bunk was because he had long hair (which in the dream I thought how strange it was that my hair had grown so quickly – because in real life right now my hair is only crew-cut length), so she clearly thought we were having sex, a prison rule violation. But I told her it was “Just me” on the bunk as I slapped the other me on the ass to get him to look up so she could see his face.
Once she saw that it was in fact just me, I pointed out to her that there were no rules against masterbating (except I was not using words, and the true meaning of what I “said” to her was more like, “having sex with myself”, though it also meant “masterbating” at the same time). She agreed, and then left, apparently satisfied that no rules were being violated.
I only remember one other time that I dreamed of multiple “me's”. And in that one other dream there were four me's! Two me's, one a young man, and the other a young boy, were playing on a lake dock together, and in the water, while an older, middle age me-me (the one who was having the dream) watched them from a near-by hill, while a much wises and disembodred-me “stood” behind me-me. I asked (again without using words) the disembodred-me what I could do to “help the boy” (refering to the boy-me on the dock), and the disembodred-me replied, “He needs to know he is forgiven/loved” (again not with words, so “forgiven/loved” is the closest I can come to what was actually said. Actually, an even more correct term would be, “unconditionally forgiven/loved”, but of course in the dream all of this was expressed with just one word that seemed to be “forgiven”).
Both of these multiple-me's dreams seem to have important messages from me to me. Is that weird or what?

What Education Is

2010-12-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

Education is a word that is used to refer to the process of discovering the depth of our ignorance.

“...certainty is the enemy of true knowledge. Knowledge is a process, a journey toward, not an arrival. People who believe they possess certainty are capable of any atrocity, ranging from the concentration camps of the Nazis to the cross burnings of the KKK. Because they are certain they are right, these people feel they can justify any act of subhuman cruelty. Throughout history, it has been the doubters, the assailers of accepted truth, who have moved the species forward. A corollary to this thought is that the only thing you can truly learn in life is the depth of your own ignorance.”

Al Goldstein, Publisher
Screw Magazine
New York

True Religion

2010-12-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

Only when we fail to recognize the intelligence that created us do we feel unloved by the universe. If we think of our existence as the result of random events, then how can we feel loved at all? The love we seek from other people under such circumstances is empty and superficial because they too are only mortals whose love can and will be taken away someday.
So this failure to recognize the intelligence behind our creation is a critical failure. It keeps us trapped in a perpetual state of fear. And even worse, is our attempts to substitute direct knowledge of that intelligence with the rationalized constructs of our own mind. We create false images of the intelligence that created us, and then invest tremendous amounts of time and energy into substantiating our false beliefs. This is the phenomena we call religion.
If there were a true religion, then it would not need to be promoted, defended, ir even defined. It would exist regardless of human endeavors. I believe such a religion does exist, only I hesitate to apply the word “religion”, or even the term “true religion”, because then it would become too easily confused with all the other false religions that use the same term (all of them do, by implication at least).
If I could, I would define religion as the open acknowledgement of devine intelligence. By this definition then all religions are accommodated, both the one true religion (as yet undefined) and the many false ones. All religions openly acknowledge higher intelligence, though they typically go on to embellish their image of that intelligence with all sorts of human attributes and qualities. A true religion would, of course, not use such embellishments, either directly or by implication. So maybe we'd be better off to refer to it as “pure religion” rather than “true”. This at least would acknowledge the fact that all false religions have a true element at their heart. This also allows us to recognize the validity and value of false or “embellished” beliefs.
This concept is not very unlike the core principles of catholicism. They seem to believe (as I understand) that all the rituals and symbols that comprize the external church are really only humanized verisons of a much purer and truer inner church that is the charge of all Christians (Catholics) to cherish and to protect. But I believe even Catholicism fails in its mission to preserve the “true faith”, as evidenced by all the atrocities it has committed. No true religion would ever feel so compelled to establish itself in the world of men.
True religion is not only already established in our world, it is the very foundation of it! A worshipper of such a religion would know this and without fear, wait patiently for his church to arise. Not only that, but he would know, by virtue of every breath he takes, that he is loved and cherished by the entire universe as well. Such a man would not seek out human love and companionship. He would not have to, for he would be automatically loved by all seekers of the truth, who would see him in ints light. Yet, at the same time, he would be despised by those whose faces are yet turned away from the truth, for to them the truth is an ugly and sinister thing, and so anyone bathed in its light will appear ugly and sinister to them. Such was the fate of Jesus and it is why even he predicted a similar fate for all followers of the true religion.

There Are No Cruel People

2010-12-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in cruelty. I believe there are people who do cruel things, but not because they are cruel, only because they are confused.
I believe that cruelty is a human invention, not a human trait. Even though we observe what appears to be cruelty in very young children, if we look more carefully we will see that the behavior they exhibit is really no more than raw survival impulses that have not yet been honed by social instinct. To punish them for being “cruel” is how cruelty itself is instigated.
The parent who punishes such behavior is the one who is really being cruel. A more responsible and loving parent, who has faith in their own child's development, will see the behavior for the aberration it is. And rather than responding out of fear that there is something “wrong” or even “evil” with their child, they will instinctively either ignore the behavior (which is usually, but not always, the best thing to do the first time or two that it is displayed), or they will take some “corrective” action other than punishment. Such as distracting the child from the negative “cruel” behavior, by given them a hug for some other positive “kind” behavior, thus helping to hone the child's rough edges rather than agitating them with punishment, which only teaches the child to avoid the parent (i.e. authority), not the behavior. Punishment often even makes the “cruel” behavior seem appropriate to the child. After all, the punishment itself is no more than a demonstration of the “cruel” behavior it is supposed to avert!
And when you extend this understanding of how children are taught to be cruel by fearful parents to the way a fearful society teaches its citizens to be cruel with a “punishment” based justice system – a system that demonstrates cruel behavior and calls it “justice” - then we might start to understand how we bring crime down upon ourselves.

“All Penal Laws court Transgression & therefore are cruelty & murder...” - William Blake (1757-1827), English poet

“Cruelty is a tyrant, that is always attended with Fear.” - Thomas Fuller (1654-1734), English cleric

“I was trying to punish society... I wanted justice for what happened to me (in prison)...” - Joseph E. Duncan III (b. 1963), American “Serial Killer” statement to the court (September 2008)

Crime Isn't The Problem

2010-12-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

Crime is a symptom, not a problem. This would be an obvious truth if it weren't for the tens of millions of people who have invested their lives in the “blood letting” of society. Like the so-called healers of old, they have a vested interested in keeping people ignorant of the truth and an even stronger reason for lying to themselves. If the truth were generally known, that all their efforts are all for show, and any effects they have are purely incidental, then they would be exposed for the charlatans they are. And even worse, for exacerbating the problem while pretending to cure the symptom!
The problem is age old, but that does not mean it cannod be solved. The solution is as old as the problem itself, and every great book of truth has expounded on the solution from the Holy Bible to the Buddhist sutras, for thousands of years.
I myself have been writing about it non-stop since I stopped killing and turned myself in. This blog is centered around it. And life itself proclaimes it loudly, for those prepared to hear.
The problem is fear, the solution is faith.
The problem is isolation from the source of our existence (which begets fear), and the solution is returning to the source (which requires faith alone).
You don't need to believe in God, or Buddha, or even science to realize this truth. You have only to be honest, with yourself. The more honest you are, the more self evident this truth will be, and the less fear you will have, and the less suffering you will bring into the world.
But being honest with yourself is the hardest thing you will ever do. If it is not hard for you to be honest, then you are either still deceived – and bringing suffering into the world, even if you yourself do not realize it – or, you are an enlightened being, at one with the source of all things. Which is to say, that becoming honest is the hardest thing you will ever do, but being honest is the easiest! Or, as I've written before, the “easy yoke to bear”, is the hardest one to don.
Any observer can note that our present social system, especially the so-called “Justice System”, does everything it can to support and promote the illusion of isolation from the source of our being. It fosters and advocates an “Us-Them” mentality that denies the oneness and unity of all things.
It is easier to pretend we are better than someone else, and blame “them” for our problems (our suffering) than to take responsibility for our own actions – which is the only real “authority” anyone has! When a man robs or assaults another man, the present social system literally demands that the “victim” report the “crime” and cooperate with the “authorities” in the “persuit of justice”. But no one ever expects the “victim” to take responsibility for the “crime”, perhaps by admitting that he should not have been flaunting his gold jewelery in front of young drug addicts (and what was he doing with gold jewelery in the first place, while there are starving people in the world he could have given a job to instead of buying “shiny metal” emblems to wear?).
It was easier for me to accuse the police of being self-righteous cowards that ignorantly drove me to commit my crimes, than for me to admit that I need the police (as human beings) and that I myself was responsible for their self-righteous attitudes by acting so cowardly myself by attacking children in order to hurt “Them”.
That is until I saw through the eyes of my last intended victim that she was me, and they were too! I saw this truth as plainly as I saw her. Even now it is hard for me to fathom how I had been so blind! But, the reason for my blindness is just as plain at the same time; Fear.
I was terrified, because I believed the system's lies; that I was alone in the world, and would die alone, and forever. But when I finally saw the Truth – the same Truth that all the ancients talk about, and that modern science even confirms – that I was not alone, and that I would never die! Then I no longer had a reason to hurt “them”, because I knew that they were me! And crime, for me at least, lost it's power.

“The intellectual who no longer feels attached to anything is not satisfied with opinions merely; he wants certainty, he wants a system.”
“...Whether it wants to or not, the (System) consodilates and establishes injustice. It helps men to forget their ills instead of curing them.” - Raymond Aron, French political philosopher

“We would rather be ruined than changed; We would rather die in our dread; Than climb the cross of the moment; And let our illusions die.” - W. H. Auden (1907-1973) American poet

“There is no such thing as the State, And no one exists alone; Hunger allows no choice, To the citizen or the police; We must have love one another or die.” - W. H. Auden

Who I Am

2010-12-16T19:00:00.000-08:00

My mantra: The greatest enemy of knowledge is the presumption of knowledge.

My motto: The only thing I know for sure, is that I know nothing for sure; except, I am.

My greatest hope: To know who I am.

My greatest fear: To know who I am.

My greatest accomplishment: Embracing my greatest failure.

My greatest failure: Not knowing who I am.

My current theological bent: Gnosticism (True and indirect knowledge of ”God”, and/or the source of our existence, is attainable through honest introspection, and is reflected in all external experiences)

My former theological bent: Agnosticism (Experience is all there is, and the source of experience, a.k.a. “God”, is unknowable)

My current practice: Self sacrifice without self debasement.

My former practice: Self debasement without self sacrifice.

My current occupation: Seeker, student, fool (in that order)

My former occupation: Fool, student, seeker (in that order)

My greatest personal asset: An open heart.

My greatest personal handicap: A broken heart.

My favorite animal: Domesticated cats.

My least favorite animal: Domesticated humans.

My current life goal: To remember who I am.

My former life goal: I forgot.

Baal's Hypocrisy

2010-12-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

If it is no excuse for a man to abuse children because he was abused, or to rape because he was raped, then why is it okay for society to kill him because he killed?

Randon Choices Make Us God

2010-12-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

I read in a book on the science of chaos once, about a popular novelty random-motion desk sculpture that has three steel balls attached to stiff wires that are driven to rotate chaotically around each other by a magnet in the base of the sculpture. The book explained that a little simple math (relatively speaking) indicates that the motion of the steel balls can be completely altered in as few as 20 cycles, by the gravitational pull of a building five blocks away.
That means, if it were possible to create two machines that were identical all the way down to the quantum level, and set them in motion with the exact same force, even inside a vacuum, the mere fact that they occupied different positions in space, even if only a few inches, would cause them to lose synchronization within 20 or so cycles andstart rotating in completely independent chaotic patterns with no discernable relationship to each other's movement.
Within 40 to 100 cycles, the gravitational pull of a building sized object on Jupiter would have the same effect. And within, say, 1.000 to 10.000 cycles, such an object orbitting the nearest star (about three light-years away) would also cause our matched machines to “forget” their common origin (assuming of course that nothing else in the universe changed during those 1000 or so cycles).
With a little extrapolation it becomes clear that our machines could not remain in synch for more than a few years if nothing else changed in the entire universe, except the existence of a single molecule in a galaxy far-far away!
If that single molecule, billions of light-years from here, has the ability to alter the course of motion in our random-motion machine here on Earth (and every molecule in the universe has this ability to influence what happens), then it also has the ability to change the entire course of history on this planet, in much less than a few years!
What's my point? Is this just a novel but meaningless mental exercise? I think not. In fact, everything I think is also effected by that distant molecule. And that brings me to my point.
If any molecule in the universe can change what “random” thought I may be having two or three years from now, then how can we say that I have volition of thought (much less “free will”)?
Of course the first, and most obvious, response to that question is that, “the motion of the machine may change, but the machine itself does not change. It still behaves according to its own nature”.
But what determines the “nature” of the machine? Wasn't it “designed” by mere thought? So, this response to my question fails when you consider that the machine's very existence, and its “nature”, are determined by all those distant (and near) molecules in the first place. My question stands; where is our free will?
Actually, there is a solution to this puzzle, but not one that most people can accept (at least not yet). The answer, assuming we do in fact have “free will” (which we must, or all is lost!), and the only answer, is that we, in determining what we do and think, also determine the existence and state (location and motion in space and time) of EVERY SINGLE MOLECULE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE FROM THE BEGINNING AND TO THE END OF TIME! There is no other solution.
Hense, we are God, or we are nothing!

Unconscious Realms of Consciousness

2010-12-12T23:30:00.000-08:00

If you are conscious, then even when you “empty your mind”, your mind is infinitely far from being empty! The empty mind is merely the un-focusing of attention. Or, put another way, it is consciousness focussed on itself. In this state you have the ability to explore consciousness.
By “explore” I mean that you can effectively move about within the world of the “unconscious”, which is in fact an infinite world (as anyone who has ever achieved this level of consciousness well knows!), but that does not mean that it is without structure or laws.
In fact, the laws of the unconscious mind are the only true laws in nature! The first and most important law, for example, is “Do not be ignorant!” (Of course that is only one way to state the law in limited human terms. Another way to say this same thing is, “Love God!” And/or, “Love thy neighbor as thyself!” Which all mean the same thing.) Because this is an absolute law, it cannot be broken, but it is possible to exist in a self imposed state of ignorance (and fear, which is, to “hate God”) but this is purely illusory and has no basis in the conscious or unconscious universe.
I should explain what I mean by “no basis” just to be clear: Ignorance (and fear, which is inextricably intertwined with ignorance) is no more than a substanceless shadow. It can only be perceived at all in the same way we perceive shadows, not by what is there, but by what is NOT there! So, in the same sense that shadows don't exist, so ignorance (and fear, and hate, and “evil”) has no “basis in consciousness”. That does not mean it is unreal, or cannot cause real harm. Just as a shadow can weaken or even kill a plant (by depriving it of sunlight), so ignorance can weaken and even “kill” (destroy) a human “soul”! But also realize that as long as a plant is not kept in the shadow all the time, most can survive and even thrive on very little sunlight. And so it is in the realms of consciousness.
“Light” in the realms of consciousness is “Love” and “Understanding” (which are the same thing). The “physical” world only exists by virtue of mutual ignorance that causes “fixed illusions”, that we all share. Modern science has been studying the edges of this illusion since the beginning of the last century. Quantum physics has clearly established the link between consciousness and the “physical world” for some time now (though few scientists will even admit to themselves what the data from their experiments shows; that we don't even exist! Or, to put it another way, we only exist as “conscious energy” or “thoughts”.
So, a person with a truly “empty mind” is one who has lifted the veil, and sees consciousness for what it is; the source of everything we call “the universe” or “reality”. In such a state of understanding (i.e. Love) this person can move about to any point in space and time of the physical world, but not just space and time, to any point in consciousness itself! That is why such a person cannot easily relate their freedom of movement (a.k.a. freedom of choice, though “movement” in a much better term, it still does not fully express the actuality) into human terms. This is what it means to “know the will of God”. It is to know your own true will! (If you think you already know your own will, then think again! Who decided when you would be conceived? You did! And when you truly realize this – by “visiting” that point in consciousness! - then you will understand what I mean!).
So the next time you meditate – and if you don't meditate then why are you wasting your time by reading this! - try to realize the freedom you have, by letting go of your physical mind (your thoughts and perceptions) and “moving” into the unconscious realms of consciousness, and “see” what you find!

P.S. By “meditation” I do not necessarily mean anything as formal as Zazen (but anyone who practices Zazen regularily will easily follow what I am saying – though they'd probably disagree on a few technicalities). All I mean, is simply the practice of “emptying the mind”, or just “quieting the mind”. Most people meditate without even realizing it when they engage in some kind of “relaxing” activity, such as running, or working on a stamp collection, or such. As long as you suspend your thoughts long enough to become aware of consciousness itself, sometimes perceived as “existence” - so if you do something that makes you “feel real” then you are probably meditating.

Fantasies of Nature and Nurture

2010-12-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

When I fantasize, I often let my fantasies “run free”. “Run free” is the only term I can think of to describe what actually happens. My fantasies seem to take on a life all their own that frequently leaves me pondering their intentions, which regularily seem to contradict my own.
I don't think letting them run free is irresponsible in and of itself, so long as they are confined to my own experience and not imposed upon others (i.e. acted out). In fact, I often think that I learn things from my fantasies, about myself, and about sexual instinct in general.
For example, when I was living as a female in prison, I was taken by surprize once by a fantasy that imagined I could become pregnant. This seemed as unsexy as anything to my mind (I had no psychological association that I was aware of that connected “getting pregnant” to the sexual pleasure osf letting a man make love to me anally), and yet when the fantasy came to mind (while I was being made love to by a caring man) my arousal level unexpectedly skyrocketted! Suddenly I wanted to passionately whisper to the man who was inside my body, “Yes! Yes! Give me your babies!”
Was this mere perversion? Or, was it some sort of instinctual response to sex that lives inside all of us, not just “Jennies” (genetic females). Well, judging by the unexpected intensity that the mere idea of being made pregnant by a man I cared deeply for (and hense, wanted to “keep” him in my life) caused me to feel, I'd say it was something that came from nature, not nurture at all.
There are many other things I have learned about myself mostly, but also about being human in general, by letting my fantasies “run free”, and just paying close attention to what they do.